Divine Mercy Diary - Notebook 1 (Page 1 of 3)
Preface | Introduction
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Divine Mercy
In my soul

The Diary
of the Servant of God
Sister M. Faustina Kowalska

Perpetually Professed member
of the
Congregation of Sisters of
Our Lady of Mercy

Notebook I

O Eternal Love, You command Your Sacred Image to be painted And reveal to us the inconceivable fount of mercy, You bless whoever approaches Your rays, And a soul all black will turn into snow. O Sweet Jesus it is here You establish the throne of Your mercy. To bring joy and hope to sinful man. From your open Heart, as pure from a pure fount, Flows comfort to a repentant heart and soul. May praise and glory for this Image Never cease to stream from man's soul. May praise for God's mercy pour from every heart, Now, and at every and at every hour and forever and ever.

O My God

When I look into the future, I am frightened, But why plunge into the future? Only the present moment is precious to me, As the future may never enter my soul at all. It is no longer in my power to change, correct or add to the past; For neither sages nor prophets could do that. And so what the past has embraced I must entrust to God.

O present moment, you belong to me, whole and entire. I desire to use you as best I can. And although I am weak and small, You grant me the grace of Your omnipotence. And so, trusting in Your mercy, I walk through life like a little child, offering You each day this heart Burning with love for Your greater Glory.

J.M.J.
(Jesus, Mary, and Joseph)
God and souls
King of Mercy, guide my soul.
Sister M Faustina
of the Blessed Sacrament.


Vilnius, July 28, 1934.
O my Jesus, because of my trust in You, I weave thousands of garlands, and I know that they will all blossom. And I know that they will all blossom when God's sun will shine on them. O great and Divine Sacrament That veils my God! Jesus, be with me each moment, And no fear will enter my heart.

J.M.J
GOD AND SOULS VILNIUS, JULY 28, 1934 FIRST NOTE BOOK.

Be adored, O Most Holy Trinity, now and for all time. Be adored in all Your works and all Your creatures. May the greatness of Your mercy be admired and glorified, O God,.

I am to write down the encounters of my soul with You O God, at the moments of Your special visitations. I am to write about You, O Incomprehensible in mercy towards my poor soul. Your holy will is the life of my soul. I have received this order through him who is for me Your representative here on earth, who interprets Your holy Will to me. Jesus, You see how difficult it is for me to write, how unable I am to put down clearly what I experience in my soul. O God can a pen write down that for which, many a time there are no words? But You give the order to write O God; and that is enough for me.

Warsaw, August 1, 1925
Entrance into the Convent.
From the age of seven, I experienced the definite call of God, the grace of a vocation to the religious life. It was in the seventh year of my life that, for the first time, I heard God's voice in my soul; that is an invitation to a more perfect life. But I was not always obedient to the call of grace. I came across no one who would have explained these things to me.

The eighteenth year of my life. An earnest appeal to my parents for permission to enter the convent. My parents flat refusal. After this refusal, I turned myself over to the vain things of life, paying no attention to the call of grace, although my soul found no satisfaction in any of these things. The incessant call of grace caused me much anguish; I tried, however, to stifle it with amusements. Interiorly I shunned God, turning with all my heart to creatures. However, God's grace won out in my soul.

Once I was at a dance (probably in Lode) with one of my sisters. While everybody was having a good time, my soul was experiencing deep torments. As I began to dance, I suddenly saw Jesus at my side, Jesus racked with pain, stripped of His clothing, all covered with wounds, who spoke these words to me: "How long shall I put up with you and how long will you keep putting Me off?" At that moment the charming music stopped, (and) the company I was with vanished from my sight; there remained Jesus and I. I took a seat by my dear sister, pretending to have a headache in order to cover up what took place in my soul. After a while I slipped out unnoticed, leaving my sister and all my companions behind and made my way to the Cathedral of Saint Stanislaus Kostka.

It was already beginning to grow light; there were only a few people in the Cathedral. Paying no attention to what was happening around me, I fell prostrate before the Blessed Sacrament and begged the Lord to be good enough to give me to understand what I should do next.

Then I heard these words: "Go at once to Warsaw; you will enter a convent there". I rose from prayer, came home, and took care of things that needed to be settled. As best I could, I confided to my sister what took place within my soul. I told her to say goodbye to our parents, and thus, in my one dress, with no other belongings, I arrived at Warsaw.

When I got off the train and saw that all were going their separate ways, I was overcome with fear. What am I to do? To whom shall I turn, as I know no-one? So I said to the Mother of God, "Mary, lead me, guide me". Immediately I heard these words within me telling me to leave the town and to go to a certain nearby village where I would find safe lodgings for the night. I did so and found in fact that everything was just as the Mother of God told me.


Very early the next day, I rode back into the city and entered the first church I saw (St. James Church at Grojecka Street in Ochota, a suburb of Warsaw). There I began to pray to know further the will of God. Holy Masses were being celebrated one after another. During one of them I heard the words: "Go to that Priest (Father James Dobrowski, pastor of St. James) tell him everything; he will tell you what to do next". After the Mass I went to the sacristy. I told the priest all that had taken place in my soul, and I asked him to advise me where to take the veil, in which religious order.

The Priest was surprised at first, but told me to have strong confidence that God would provide for my future. "For the time being" he said shall send you to a pious lady (Aldona Lipszycowa) with whom you will stay until you enter a convent" . When I called on this lady, she received me very kindly. During the time I stayed with her, I was looking for a convent, but at whatever convent door I knocked I was turned away. Sorrow gripped my heart, and I said to the Lord Jesus, "Help me; don't leave me alone". At last I knocked on our door.

When Mother Superior, the present Mother General Michael came out to meet me, she told me after a short conversation, to go to the Lord of the house and ask whether He would accept me. I understood at once that I was to ask this of the Lord Jesus. With great joy, I went to the chapel and asked Jesus: "Lord of this house, do You accept me? This is how one of the sisters told me to put this question to You".

Immediately I heard this voice: "I do accept; you are in My Heart". When I returned from the chapel, Mother Superior asked first of all, "Well, has the Lord accepted you?" I answered, "Yes". "If the Lord has accepted (she said) then I also will accept".
This is how I was accepted. However, for many reasons I still had to remain in the world for more than a year with that pious woman (Aldona Lipszycowa), but I did not go back to my own home.

At that time I had to struggle with many difficulties, but God was lavish with His graces. An ever greater longing for God did take hold of me. The lady, pious as she was, did not understand the happiness of religious life and, in her kindheartedness began to make other plans for my future life. And yet, I sensed that I had a heart so big that nothing would be capable of filling it. And so I turned with all the longing of my soul to God.

It was during the octave of Corpus Christ (June 25 1925). God filled my soul with the interior light of a deeper knowledge of Him as Supreme Goodness and Supreme Beauty. I came to know how very much God loves me. Eternal is His love for me. It was at vespers. In simple words which flowed from the heart, I made to God a vow of perpetual chastity. From that moment I felt a greater intimacy with God, my Spouse. From that moment I set up a little cell in my heart where I always kept company with Jesus.

At last the time came when the door of the convent was opened for me - it was the first of August (1925), in the evening, the vigil of the Feast of Our Lady of the Angels. I felt immensely happy; it seemed to me that I had stepped into the life of Paradise. A single prayer was bursting forth from my heart, one of thanksgiving.

However, after three weeks I became aware that there is so little time here for prayer, and of many other things which spoke to my soul in favor of entering a religious community of a stricter observance. This thought took a firm hold of my soul, but the will of God was not in it. Still, the thought, or rather the temptation was growing stronger and stronger to the point where I decided one day to announce my departure to Mother Superior and definitely to leave the convent. But God arranged the circumstances in such away that I could not get to the Mother Superior (Michael). I stepped into the little chapel before going to bed, and I asked Jesus for light in this matter. But I received nothing in my soul except a strange unrest which I did not understand. But, in spite of everything, I made up my mind to approach Mother Superior the next morning right after Mass and tell her of my decision.


I came to my cell. The sisters were already in bed- the lights were out. I entered the cell full of anguish and discontent; I did not know what to do with myself. I threw myself head long on the ground and began to pray fervently that I might come to know the will of God. There is silence everywhere as in the tabernacle. All the sisters are resting like white hosts enclosed in Jesus' chalice. It is only from my cell that God can hear the moaning of a soul. I did not know that one was allowed to pray in the cell after nine without permission.

After a while a brightness filled my cell, and on the curtain I saw the very sorrowful face of Jesus. There were open wounds on His Face, and large tears were falling on my bedspread. Not knowing what all this meant, I asked Jesus, "Jesus, who has hurt You so?" And Jesus said to me: "It is you who will cause Me this pain if you leave this convent. It is to this place that I called you and nowhere else; and I have prepared many graces for you". I begged pardon of Jesus and immediately changed my decision.

The next day was confession day. I related all that had taken place in my soul, and the confessor answered that, from this God's will is clear that I am to remain in this congregation and that I'm not even to think of another religious order. From that moment on, I have always felt happy and content.

Shortly after this, I fell ill (general exhaustion). The dear Mother Superior sent me with two other sisters for a rest to Skolimow, not far from Warsaw. It was at that time that I asked the Lord who else I should pray for. Jesus said that on the following night He would let me know for whom I should pray.

(The next night) I saw my Guardian Angel, who ordered me to follow him. In a moment I was in a misty place full of fire in which there was a great crowd of suffering souls. They were praying fervently, but to no avail, for themselves; only we can come to their aid. The flames which were burning them did not touch me at all. My Guardian Angel did not leave me for an instant. I asked these souls what their greatest suffering was. They answered me in one voice that their greatest torment was longing for God. I saw Our Lady visiting the souls in Purgatory. The souls called Her the Star of the Sea. She brings them refreshment. I wanted to talk with them some more, but my Guardian Angel beckoned me to leave. We went out of that prison of suffering. ( I heard an interior voice) which said, "My mercy does not want this, but justice demands it." Since that time, I am in closer communion with the suffering souls.

End of postulancy (April 29, 1926) - My superiors (probably Mother Leonard and Mother Jane) sent me to the novitiate in Krakow. An inconceivable joy reigned in my soul. When we arrived at the novitiate, Sister (Henry) was dying. A few days later she came to me (in spirit, after her death) and bid me to go to Mother Directness of Novices (Sister Margaret) and tell her to ask her confessor, Father Rod pond, to offer one Mass for her and three ejaculatory prayers. At first I agreed, but the next day I decided I would not go to Mother Directness, because I was not sure whether this had happened in a dream or in reality. And so I did not go.

The following night the same thing was repeated more clearly; I had no more doubt. Still, in the morning I decided not to tell the Directness about it unless I saw her (Sister Henry) during the day. At once I ran into her in the corridor. She reproached me for not having gone immediately, a great uneasiness filled my soul. So I went immediately to Mother Directness and told her everything that had happened to me. Mother responded that she would take care of the matter. At once peace reigned in my soul, and on the third day this sister came to me and said, "May God repay you".


The day I took the (religious) habit, God let me understand how much I was to suffer. I clearly saw to what I was committing myself. I experienced a moment of that suffering. But then God filled my soul again with great consolations.

Towards the end of the first year of my novitiate, darkness began to cast its shadow over my soul. I felt no consolation in prayer; I had to make a great effort to meditate; fear began to sweep over me. Going deeper into myself I could find nothing but great misery. I could also clearly see the great holiness of God. I did not dare to raise my eyes to Him, but reduced myself to dust under His feet and begged for mercy. My soul was in this state for almost six months. Our beloved Mother Directness (Mary Joseph) encouraged me in these difficult moments. But this suffering became greater and greater.

The second year of the novitiate was approaching. Whenever I recalled that I was to make my vows, my soul shuddered. I did not understand what I was reading; I could not meditate; it seemed to me that my prayer was displeasing to God. It seemed to me that by approaching the Holy Sacraments I was offending God even more. But despite this, my confessor (Father Theodore) did not let me omit one single Holy Communion. God was working very strangely in my soul. I did not understand anything at all of what my confessor was telling me. The simple truths of the faith became incomprehensible to me. My soul was in anguish, unable to find comfort anywhere.

At a certain point, there came to me the very powerful impression that I am rejected by God. This terrible thought pierced my soul right through; in the midst of the suffering my soul began to experience the agony of death. I wanted to die but could not. The thought came to me: of what use is it to strive for virtues; why mortify oneself when all this is disagreeable to God? When I made this known to the Directness of Novices, I received this reply, "Know, dear sister, that God has chosen you for great sanctity. This is a sign that God wants to have you very close to Himself in Heaven. Have great trust in the Lord Jesus".

That dreadful thought of being rejected by God is the actual torture suffered by the damned. I fled to Jesus' Wounds and repeated the words of trust, but these words became for me an even greater torture. I went before the Blessed Sacrament, and I began to speak to Jesus: "Jesus, You said that a mother would sooner forget her infant than God His creature, and that even if she would forget her infant, 'I God would never forget My creature'. O Jesus, do you You hear how my soul is moaning? Deign to hear the painful whimpers of Your child. I trust in You, O God, because heaven and earth will pass, but Your word will last forever.' Still I found not a moment of relief.

One day, just as I had awakened, when I was putting myself in the presence of God, I was suddenly overwhelmed with despair. Complete darkness in the soul. I fought as best as I could till noon. In the afternoon, truly deadly fears began to seize me; my physical strength began to leave me. I went quickly to my cell, fell on my knees before the Crucifix and began to cry out for mercy. But Jesus did not hear my cries. I felt my physical strength leave me completely. I fell to the ground, despair flooding my whole soul. I suffered terrible tortures in no way different than the torments of hell. I was in this state for three quarters of an hour. I wanted to go and see the Directness, but was too weak. I wanted to shout but I had no voice. Fortunately, one of the sisters (another novice, Sister Placid Pottery) came into my cell. Finding me in such a strange condition, she immediately told the Directness about it. Mother came at once. As soon as she entered the cell she said "In the name of holy obedience get up from the ground". Immediately some force raised me up from the ground, and I stood up close, to the dear Mother Directness. With kindly words she began to explain to me that this was a trial sent to me by God saying to me "Have great confidence; God is always our Father, even when He sends us trials."

I returned to my duties as if I had come out from the tomb, my senses saturated with what my soul had experienced. During the evening service, my soul began to agonize again in a terrible darkness. I felt that I was in the power of the Just God, and that I was the object of His indignation. During these terrible moments I said to God, "Jesus, who in the Gospel compare Yourself to a most tender mother, I trust in Your words because You are Truth and Life. In spite of everything, I trust in You in the face of every interior sentiment which sets itself against hope. Do what you want with me; I will never leave You, because You are the source of my life". Only one who has lived through similar moments can understand how terrible is this torment of the soul.

During the night, the Mother of God visited me, holding the Infant Jesus in Her arms. My soul was filled with joy, and I said, "Mary, my Mother, do you know how terribly I suffer?" And the Mother of God answered me, "I know how much you suffer, but do not be afraid. I share with you your suffering, and I shall always do so." She smiled warmly and disappeared. At once, strength and a great courage sprang up anew in my soul; but that lasted only one day. It seemed as though hell had conspired against me. A terrible hatred began to break out in my soul, a hatred for all that is holy and divine. It seemed to me that these spiritual torments would be my lot for the rest of my life. I turned to the Blessed Sacrament and said to Jesus, "Jesus, my Spouse, do You not see that my soul is dying because of its longing for You? How can You hide Yourself from a heart that loves You so sincerely? Forgive me, Jesus; may your holy will be done in me. I will suffer silently like a dove, without complaining. I will not allow my heart even one single cry of sorrowful complaint."


End of the novitiate. The suffering does not diminish. Physical weakness dispenses me from all (community) spiritual exercises; that is to say, they are replaced by brief ejaculatory prayers. Good Friday (April 16, 1928) -Jesus catches up my heart into the very flame of His love. This was during the evening adoration. All of a sudden, the Divine Presence invaded me, and I forgot everything else. Jesus gave me to understand how much He had suffered for me. This lasted a very short time. An intense yearning - a longing to love God.

First vows (First profession of temporary vows, April 30, 1928). An ardent desire to empty myself for God by an active, but a love that would be imperceptible, even to the sisters closest to me.
However, even after the vows, darkness continued to reign in my soul for almost half a year. Once, when I was praying, Jesus pervaded all my soul, darkness melted away, and I heard these words within me: "You are My joy; you are My heart's delight". From that moment I felt the Most Holy Trinity in my heart; that is to say, within myself. I felt that I was inundated with Divine light. Since then, my soul has been in intimate communion with God, like a child with its beloved Father.

Once Jesus told me, "Go to Mother Superior (probably Mother Raphael) and ask her to let you wear a hair shirt for seven days, and once each night you are to get up and come to the chapel." I said yes, I found a certain difficulty in actually going to the Superior. In the evening Jesus asked me, "How long will you put it off?" I made up my mind to tell Mother Superior the very next time I would see her.

The next day before noon I saw Mother Superior going to the refectory and, since the kitchen, refectory and Sister Eyelashes little room are all close to each other, I asked Mother Superior to come into Sister Eyelashes room and told her of the wish of the Lord Jesus. At that, Mother answered, "I will not permit you to wear any hair shirt. Absolutely not! If the Lord Jesus were to give you the strength of a colossus, I would not then permit those mortifications."

I apologized for taking up Mother's time and left the room. At that very moment I saw Jesus standing at the kitchen door, and I said to Him, "You commanded me to ask for these mortifications, but Mother Superior will not permit them". Jesus said "I was here during your conversation with the Superior and know everything. I don't demand mortification from you, but obedience. By obedience you give great glory to Me and gain merit for yourself."

One of the Mothers (probably Mother Jane), when she learned about my close relationship with the Lord Jesus, told me that I must be deluding myself. She told me that the Lord Jesus associates in this way only with the saints and not with sinful souls "like you Sister!" After that, it was as if I mistrusted Jesus. In one of my morning talks with Him I said, "Jesus are You not an illusion?" Jesus answered me, "My love deceives no one".

On one occasion I was reflecting on the Holy Trinity, on the essence of God. I absolutely wanted to know and fathom who God is... In an instant my spirit was caught up into what seemed to be the next world. I saw an inaccessible light, and in this light what appeared like three sources of light which I could not understand. And out of that light came words in the form of lightening which encircled heaven and earth. Not understanding anything, I was very sad. Suddenly, from this sea of inaccessible light came our dearly beloved Savior, unutterably beautiful with His shining Wounds. And from this light came a voice which said, " Who God is in His Essence, no one will fathom, neither the mind of Angels nor man." Jesus said to me, Get to know God by contemplating His attributes." A moment later, He traced the sign of the Cross with His hand and vanished.

Once I saw a big crowd of people in our chapel, in front of the chapel and in the street, because there was no room for them inside. The chapel was decorated for a feast. There were a lot of clergy near the altar, and then our sisters and those of many other congregations. They were all waiting for the person who was to take a place on the altar. Suddenly I heard a voice saying that I was to take a place on the altar. But as soon I left the corridor to go across the yard and enter the chapel, following the voice that was calling me, all the people began to throw at me whatever they had to hand: mud, stones, sand, brooms, to such an extent that I at first hesitated to go forward. But the voice kept on calling me even more earnestly, so I walked on bravely.

When I entered the chapel, the superiors, the sisters, the students, and even my parents started to hit me with whatever they could, and so whether I wanted to or not, I quickly took my place on the altar. As soon as I was there, the very same people, the students, the sisters, the superiors and my parents all began to hold their arms out to me asking for graces; and as for me, I did not bear any grudge against them for having thrown all sorts of things at me, and I was surprised that I felt a very special love precisely for those persons who had forced me to go more quickly to my appointed place. At the same time my souls was filled with ineffable happiness, and I heard these words, "Do whatever you wish, distribute graces as you will, to whom you will and when you will." Then, instantly, the vision disappeared.

Another time I heard these words, "Go to the Superior and ask her to allow you to make a daily hour of adoration for nine days. During this adoration try to unite yourself in prayer with My Mother. Pray with all your heart in union with Mary, and try also during this time to make the Way of the Cross." I received the permission, though not for a full hour, but only for whatever time was left me after I had carried out my duties.


I was to make this novena for the intention of my Motherland. On the seventh day of the novena I saw, between heaven and earth, the Mother of God, clothed in a bright robe. She was praying with Her hands folded on her bosom, Her eyes fixed on Heaven. From Her Heart issued forth fiery rays, some of which were turned towards Heaven while the others were covering our country.

When I told this and certain other things to my confessor, he replied that these might really be coming from God, but that they might also be an illusion. Because of my frequent changes (of assignments), I did not have a permanent confessor and besides, I had great difficulty in speaking of these things. I prayed ardently that the Lord would give me that great grace - that is, a spiritual director. But my prayer was answered only after my perpetual vows, when I went to Vilnius. The priest was Father Sopocko. God had allowed me to see him in an interior vision even before I came to Vilnius.

Oh, if only I had had a spiritual director from the beginning, then I would not have wasted so many of God's graces. A confessor can help a soul a great deal, but he can also cause it a lot of harm. Oh how careful confessors should be about the work of God's grace in their penitents' souls! This is a matter of great importance. By the graces given to a soul, one can recognize the degree of its intimacy with God.

Once I was summoned to the judgment (seat) of God. I stood alone before the Lord. Jesus appeared such as we know Him during His Passion. After a moment, His wounds disappeared except for five, those in His hands, His feet and His side. Suddenly I saw the complete condition of my soul as God sees it. I could clearly see all that is displeasing to God. I did not know that even the smallest transgressions will have to be accounted for. What a moment! Who can describe it? To stand before the Thrice - Holy - God! Jesus asked me, "Who are you?" I answered, "I am Your servant Lord". "You are guilty of one day of fire in Purgatory". I wanted to throw myself immediately into the flames of purgatory, but Jesus stopped me and said, "Which do you prefer, suffer one day in purgatory or for a short while on earth?" I replied, "Jesus, I want to suffer in purgatory, and I want to suffer also the greatest pains on earth, even if it were to the end of the World". Jesus said, "One (of the two) is enough; you will go back to earth, and there you will suffer much, but not for long; you will accomplish my will and My desires, and a faithful servant of Mine will help you to do this. Now rest your head on My bosom, on My heart, and draw from it strength and power for these sufferings, because you will find neither relief nor help nor comfort anywhere else. Know that you will have much, much to suffer, but don't let this frighten you; I am with you."

Soon afterwards I became ill. Physical weakness was for me a school of patience. Only Jesus knows how many efforts of will I had to make to fulfill my duty. In order to purify a soul, Jesus uses whatever instruments He likes. My soul underwent a complete abandonment on the part of creatures; often my best intentions were misinterpreted by the sisters, a type of suffering which is most painful; but God allows it, and we must accept it because in this way we become more like Jesus. There was one thing which I could not understand for long time: Jesus ordered me to tell everything to my Superiors, but my Superiors did not believe what I said and treated me with pity as though I were being deluded or were imagining things.

Because of this, believing myself to be deluded, I resolved to avoid God interiorly for fear of these illusions. But the grace of God pursued me at every step, and God spoke to me when I least expected it.

One day Jesus told me that He would cause a chastisement to fall upon the most beautiful city in our country (probably Warsaw). This chastisement would be that with which God had punished Sodom and Gomorrah. I saw the great wrath of God and a shudder pierced my heart. I prayed in silence. After a moment Jesus said to me, "My child, unite yourself closely to me during the Sacrifice and offer My Blood and My Wounds to My Father in expiation for the sins of that city. Repeat this without interruption throughout the entire Holy Mass. Do this for seven days." On the seventh day I saw Jesus in a bright cloud and began to beg Him to look upon the city and upon our whole country. Jesus looked (down) graciously. When I saw the kindness of Jesus, I began to beg His blessing. Immediately Jesus said, "For your sake I bless the entire country". And He made a big sign of the cross over our country. Seeing the goodness of God, a great joy filled my soul.


The year 1929. Once during Holy Mass, I felt in a very special way the closeness of God, although I tried to turn away and escape from Him. On several occasions I have run away from God because I did not want to be a victim of the evil spirit: since others have told me more than once, that such is the case. And this incertitude lasted for quite some time. During Holy Mass, before Communion, we had the renewal of vows. When we had left our kneelers and had started to recite the formula for the vows, Jesus appeared suddenly at my side clad in a white garment with a golden girdle around His waist, and He said to me, "I give you eternal love that your purity may be untarnished and as a sign that you will never be subject to temptation against purity." Jesus took off His golden tincture and tied it around my waist.

Since then I have never experienced any attacks against this virtue, either in my heart or in my mind. I later understood that this was one of the greatest graces which the Most Holy Virgin Mary had obtained for me, as for many years I had been asking this grace of Her. Since that time I have experienced an increasing devotion to the Mother of God. She has taught me how to love God interiorly and also how to carry out His holy will in all things. O Mary, You are joy, because through You God descended to earth (and) into my heart.

On one occasion I saw a servant of God in the immediate danger of committing a mortal sin. I started to beg God to deign to send down upon me all the torments of hell and all the sufferings. He wished if only this priest would be set free and snatched from the occasion of committing a sin. Jesus heard my prayer and, that very instant, I felt a crown of thorns on my head. The thorns penetrated my head with great force right into my brain. This lasted for three hours; the servant of God was set free from this sin, and his soul was strengthened by a special grace of God.

Once on Christmas Day (1928), I felt the omnipotence and the presence of God surrounding me. And once more I fled from this interior meeting with the Lord. I asked Mother Superior for permission to go to Jozefinek to visit the sisters there. The Superior gave us permission, and we started to get ready right after lunch. The other sisters were already waiting for me at the door of the convent while I ran to my cell to get my cloak. On my way back, as I was passing close to the little chapel, I saw Jesus standing in the doorway. He said to me, "Go ahead, but I am taking your heart". Suddenly I felt I had no heart in my chest. But the sisters were scolding me for lingering behind, saying that it was already getting late, so I quickly went along with them. But a sense of uneasiness troubled me, and a strange longing invaded my soul, though no one knew what was happening except God.

After we had been at Jozefinek for only a few minutes, I said to the sisters, "Let's go back home". The sisters asked for at least a moment's rest, but my spirit could find no peace. I explained that we must return before dark and in as much as we had quite a distance to go, we immediately returned home. When Mother Superior met us in the hall way she asked me, "Haven't the sisters gone yet, or have they already returned?" I said that we had already returned because I did not want to be returning in the evening. I took off my cloak and immediately went to the little chapel. As soon as I entered Jesus said to me, "Go to Mother Superior and tell her that you came back, not in order to reach home before dark, but because I had taken your heart." Even though this was very difficult for me, I went to the Superior, and I told her frankly the real reason I had come back so soon, and I asked pardon of the Lord for everything that had displeased Him. And then Jesus filled me with great joy. I understood that apart from God there is no contentment anywhere.

On one occasion I saw two sisters who were about to enter hell. A terrible agony tore my soul; I prayed to God for them, and Jesus said to me, "Go to Mother Superior and tell her that those two sisters are in danger of committing a mortal sin". The next day I told this to the Superior. One of them has already repented with great fervor and the other was going through a great struggle.

One day Jesus said to me, "I am going to leave this house...because there are things here which displease Me." And the Host came out of the tabernacle and came to rest in my hands and I, with joy, placed it back in the tabernacle. This was repeated a second time, and I did the same thing. Despite this, it happened a third time, but the Host was transformed into the living Lord Jesus, who said to me, "I will stay here no longer!" At this a powerful love for Jesus rose up in my soul. I answered, "And I, I will not let You leave this house, Jesus!" And again Jesus disappeared while the Host remained in my hands. Once again I put it back in the chalice and closed it up in the tabernacle. And Jesus stayed with us. I undertook to make three days of adoration by way of reparation.


Once Jesus said to me, "Tell Mother General (Michael) that in this house...such and such a thing is being committed...which displeases Me and offends Me greatly." I did not tell this to Mother right away, but the uneasiness which the Lord made me feel did not permit me to wait a minute longer, and I wrote immediately to Mother General, and peace returned to my soul.

I often felt the Passion of the Lord Jesus in my body, although this was imperceptible (to others), and I rejoiced in it because Jesus wanted it so. But this lasted for only a short time. These sufferings set my soul afire with love for God and for immortal souls. Love endures everything, love is stronger than death, love fears nothing...

February 22, 1931. In the evening, when I was in my cell, I saw the Lord Jesus clothed in a white garment. One hand (was ) raised in the gesture of blessing, the other was touching the garment at the breast. From beneath the garment, slightly drawn aside at the breast. From beneath the garment, slightly drawn aside at the breast, there were emanating two large rays, one red, the other pale. In silence I kept my gaze fixed on the Lord: my soul was struck with awe, but also with great joy. After a while, Jesus said to me, "Paint an image according to the pattern you see, with the signature: Jesus I trust in You. I desire that this image be venerated, first in your chapel and (then) throughout the world."
"I promise that the soul that will venerate this image will not perish. I also promise victory over (its) enemies already here on earth, especially at the hour of death. I Myself will defend it as My own glory."

When I told this to my confessor, I received this for a reply: "That refers to your soul". He told me, "Certainly, paint God's image in your soul." When I came out of the confessional, I again heard words such as these: "My image already is in your soul. I desire that there be a Feast of Mercy. I want this image, which you will paint with a brush, to be solemnly blessed on the first Sunday after Easter; that Sunday is to be the Feast of Mercy. "I desire that priests proclaim this great mercy of Mine towards souls of sinners. Let the sinner not be afraid to approach Me. The flames of mercy are burning Me- clamoring to be spent; I want to pour them out upon these souls".

Jesus complained to me in these words, "Distrust on the part of souls is tearing at My insides. The distrust of a chosen soul causes Me even greater pain; despite My inexhaustible love for them they do not trust in Me. Even My death is not enough for them. Woe to the soul that abuses these (gifts).
When I spoke about this to Mother Superior (Rose, telling her) that God had asked this of me, she answered that Jesus should give some sign so that we could recognize Him more clearly.

When I asked the Lord Jesus for a sign as a proof "that You are truly my God and Lord and that this request comes from You". I heard this interior voice, "I will make this all clear to the Superior by means of the graces which I will grant through this image."
When I tried to run away from these interior inspirations, God said to me that on the day of judgment He would demand of me a great number of souls.

Once, exhausted because of these various difficulties that had befallen me because of what Jesus had said to me and what He had demanded of me for the painting of this image, I made up my mind to approach Father Endures before my perpetual vows, and to ask him to dispense me from all these interior inspirations and from the duty of painting this image. After having heard my confession, Father Endures gave me this answer: "I will dispense you of nothing, Sister; it is not right for you to turn away from these interior inspirations, but you must absolutely - and I say, absolutely - speak about them to your confessor; otherwise you will go astray despite the great graces you are receiving from God".

"For the present you are coming to me for confession, but understand, Sister, that you must have a permanent confessor, that is to say, a spiritual director."

I was very upset by this. I thought that I would get myself free from everything, and it turned out quite the opposite - an explicit command to follow the requests of Jesus. And now, still another torment, as I had no permanent confessor. Even if I went to the same confessor for a certain period of time, I could not open my soul to him in respect to these graces, and this caused me ineffable pain. So I asked Jesus to give these graces to someone else, because I did not know how to make use of them and was only wasting them. "Jesus, have mercy on me; do not entrust such great things to me, as You see that I am a bit of dust and completely inept."

But the goodness of Jesus is infinite; He had promised me visible help here on earth, and a little while later I received it in Vilnius, in the person of Father Sopocko. I had already known him before coming to Vilnius, thanks to an interior vision. One day I saw him in our chapel between the altar and the confessional and suddenly heard a voice in my soul say, "This is the visible help for you on earth. He will help you carry out My will on earth."


One day, tired out with all these uncertainties, I asked Jesus, "Jesus, are You my God or some kind of phantom? Because my Superiors say that there are all sorts of illusions and phantoms. If You are my Lord, I beg You bless me". Then Jesus made a big sign of the cross over me and I too, signed myself. When I asked pardon of Jesus for this question, He replied that I had in no way displeased Him by this question and that my confidence pleased Him very much.

Spiritual Counsel Given me by Father Endures, S.J.-1933
First: You must not turn away from these interior inspirations, but always tell everything to your confessor. If you recognize that these interior inspirations refer to your own self; this is to say, they are for the good of your soul or for the good of other souls, I urge you to follow them; and you must not neglect them, but always do so in consultation with your confessor.
Second: If these inspirations are not in accord with the faith or the spirit of the Church, they must be rejected immediately as coming from the evil spirit.
Third: If these inspirations do not refer to souls, in general, nor specifically to their good, you should not take them too seriously, and it would be better to even ignore them.

But you should not make this decision by yourself, either one way or the other, as you can easily be led astray despite these great favors from God. Humility, humility, and ever humility, as we can do nothing of ourselves; all is purely and simply God's grace.
You say to me that God demands great trust from souls; well then, you be the first to show this trust. And one more word - accept all this with serenity.
Words of one of the confessors: "Sister, God is preparing many special graces for you, but try to make your life as clear as crystal before the Lord, paying no attention to what anyone else thinks about you. Let God suffice you. He alone".

Towards the end of my novitiate, a confessor (perhaps Father Theodore) told me: "Go through life doing good, so that I could write on its pages; 'she spent her life doing good'. May God bring this about in you."

Another time the confessor said to me, "Comport yourself before God like the widow in the Gospel; although the coin she dropped into the box was of little value, it counted far more before God than all the big offerings of others."

On another occasion the instruction I received was this: "Act in such a way that all those who come in contact with you will go away joyful. Sow happiness about you because you have received much from God; give, then, generously to others. They should take leave of you with their hearts filled with joy, even if they have no more than touched the hem of your garment. Keep well in mind the words I am telling you now."
Still another time he gave me the following recommendation: "Let God push your boat out into the deep waters, towards the unfathomable depths of the interior life".

Here are a few words from a conversation I had with the Mother Directness (Mary Joseph) toward the end of my novitiate: "Sister, let simplicity and humility be the characteristic traits of your soul. Go through life like a little child, always trusting, always full of simplicity and humility, content with everything, happy in every circumstance. There, where others fear, you will pass calmly along, thanks to this simplicity and humility. Remember this Sister, for your whole life: as waters flow from the mountains down into the valleys, so, too, do God's graces flow into humble souls."

O my God, I understand well that You demand this spiritual childhood of me, because you are constantly asking it of me through Your representatives.


At the beginning of my religious life, suffering and adversities frightened and disheartened me. So I prayed continuously, asking Jesus to strengthen me and to grant me the power of His Holy Spirit that I might carry out His holy will in all things, because from the beginning I have been aware of my weakness. I know very well what I am of myself, because for this purpose Jesus has opened the eyes of my soul; I am an abyss of misery, and hence I understand that whatever good there is in my soul consists solely of His holy grace. The knowledge of my own misery allows me, at the same time, to know the immensity of Your mercy. In my own interior life, I am looking with one eye at the abyss of my misery and baseness, and with the other, at the abyss of your mercy, O God.

O my Jesus, You are the life of my life. You know only too well that I long for nothing but the glory of Your Name and that souls come to know Your goodness. Why do souls avoid You, Jesus? - I don't understand that. Oh, if I could only cut my heart into tiny pieces and in this way offer to You, O Jesus, each piece as a heart whole and entire, to make up in part for the hearts that do not love You! I love You, Jesus, with every drop of my blood, and I would gladly shed my blood for You to give You a proof of the sincerity of my love. O God, the more I know You the less I can comprehend You, but this" non- comprehension" lets me realize how great You are! And it is this impossibility of comprehending You which inflames my heart anew for You, O Lord. From the moment from when You let me fix the eyes of my soul on You, O Jesus, I have been at peace and desired nothing else. I found my destiny at the moment when my soul lost itself in You, the only object of my love. In comparison with you, everything is nothing. Sufferings, adversities, humiliations, failures and suspicions that have come my way are splinters that keep alive the fire of my love for You, O Jesus.

My desires are mad and unattainable. I wish to conceal from You that I suffer. I want never to be rewarded for my efforts and my good actions. You yourself, Jesus are my only reward; You are enough, O Treasure of my heart! I want to share compassionately in the sufferings of my neighbors and to conceal my own sufferings, not only from them, but also from You, Jesus.

Suffering is a great grace; through suffering the soul becomes like the Savior; in suffering love becomes crystallized; the greater the suffering, the purer the love.

One night, a sister who had died two months previously came to me. She was a sister of the first choir. I saw her in a terrible condition, all in flames with her face painfully distorted. This lasted only a short time, and then she disappeared. A shudder went through my soul because I did not know whether she was suffering in purgatory or in hell. Nevertheless I redoubled my prayers for her. The next night she came again, but I saw her in an even more horrible state, in the midst of flames which were even more intense, and despair was written all over her face. I was astonished to see her in a worse condition after the prayers I had offered for her, and I asked "Haven't my prayers helped you?" She answered that my prayers had not helped her and that nothing would help her. I said to her, "And the prayers which the whole community have offered for you, have they not been any help to you?" She said no that these prayers had helped some other souls. I replied, "If my prayers are not helping you Sister, please stop coming to me." She disappeared at once. Despite this, I kept on praying.

After sometime she came back to me during the night, but already her appearance had changed. There were no longer any flames, as there had been before, and her face was radiant, her eyes beaming with joy. She told me that I had a true love of neighbor and that many other souls had profited from my prayers. She urged me not to cease praying for the souls in purgatory, and she added that she herself would not remain there much longer. How astounding are the decrees of God!

1933: On one occasion I heard these words in my soul, "Make a novena for your country. This novena will consist of the recitation of the Litany of the Saints. Ask your confessor for permission." (probably Father Sopocko or Father Endures).

I received permission at my next confession and began the novena that very evening. Towards the end of the litany I saw a great radiance and, in the midst of it, God the Father. Between this radiance and the earth I saw Jesus, nailed to the Cross in such a way that when God wanted to look at the earth, He had to look through the wounds of Jesus. And I understood that it was for the sake of Jesus that God blesses the earth.


O Jesus, I thank you for this great grace; namely, that You yourself have deigned to choose a confessor for me, and that You had made him known to me in a vision even before I had met him (Father Sopocko). When I went to confession to Father Endures, I thought that I would be released from following these interior inspirations. Father replied that he could not dispense me from this, "but pray, Sister, that you be given a Spiritual director."

After a short but fervent prayer, I saw Father Sopocko for a second time, in our chapel, between the confessional and the altar. I was in Krakow at that time. These two visions bolstered up my spirit, all the more when I found him to be just s I had seen him in the visions, once at Warsaw during my third probation, and a second time at Krakow. O Jesus, I thank You for this great gift! And now when I hear people sometimes say that they have no confessor; that is to say a director, fear takes hold of me, because I know very well how much harm I myself experienced when I did not have this help. It is so easy to go astray when one has no guide!

O life so dull and monotonous, how many treasure you contain! When I look at everything with the eyes of faith, no two hours are alike, and the dullness and monotony disappear. The grace which is given me in this hour will not be repeated in the next. It may be given me again, but it will not be the same grace. Time goes on, never to return again. Whatever is enclosed in it will never change; it seals with a seal for eternity.

Father Sopocko must be well loved by God. I say this because I myself have experienced how much God defends him at certain points. I say this because I myself have experienced how much God defends him at certain moments. When I see this, I rejoice greatly that God has such chosen ones.

1929. The Trip to Calvary. When I came to Vilnius for two months to replace a sister who had gone for her the third probation (Sister Peter, who worked in the kitchen), I stayed a little longer than two months. One day, the Mother Superior (Irene) wanting to give me a bit of pleasure, gave me permission to go together with another sister, to Calvary to "walk the paths", as they say. I was delighted. Although it was not very far, it was Mother Superior's wish that we should go by boat. That evening Jesus said to me, "I want you to stay home". I answered, everything is ready for us to leave tomorrow morning; what am I to do now?" The Lord answered, "This trip will be harmful to your soul." I replied to Jesus, "You can find away out. Arrange things in such away that Your will may be done." At that moment the bell announced the time for sleep. I gave Jesus a parting glance and went to my cell.

Next morning the weather was beautiful, and my companion was filled with joy at the prospect of the great pleasure we would have in getting to see everything. But as for me, I was sure we would not go, even though there were no obstacles so far.
We were to receive Holy Communion earlier and leave right after the thanksgiving. But during the time of Communion, all of a sudden, the weather changed. Clouds covered the sky, and the rain came down in torrents. Everyone was astounded at such a sudden change in the weather.

Mother Superior said to me, "I am so sorry you cannot go, Sisters! I answered, "Dear Mother, it doesn't really matter that we cannot go; it was God's will that we stay home". However know one knew that it was Jesus' express desire that I stay home. I spent the whole day in recollection and meditation, thanking the Lord for having kept me home. That day, God granted me many heavenly consolations.

One time during the novitiate, when Mother Directness sent me to work in the wards' kitchen, I was very upset because I could not manage the pots, which were very large. The most difficult task for me was draining the potatoes, and sometimes I spilt half of them with the water. When I told this to Mother Directness, she said that with time I would get used to it and gain the necessary skill. But the task was not getting any easier, as I was growing weaker every day. So I would move away when it was time to drain the potatoes. The sisters noted that I avoided this task and were very much surprised. They did not know that I could not help in spite of all my willingness to do this and not spare myself. At noon, during the examination of conscience, I complained to God about my weakness. Then I heard the following words in my soul. "From today on you will do this easily; I shall strengthen you."

That evening, when the time came to drain off the water from the potatoes, I hurried to be the first to do it, trusting in the Lord's words. I took up the pot with ease and poured off the water perfectly. But when I took off the cover to let the potatoes steam off, I saw there in the pot, in the place of the potatoes, whole bunches of red roses, beautiful beyond description. I had never seen such roses before. Greatly astonished and unable to understand the meaning of this, I heard a voice within me saying, "I change such hard work of yours into bouquets of most beautiful flowers, and their perfume rises up to My throne." From then on I have tried to drain the potatoes myself, not only during my week when it was my turn to cook, but also in replacement of other sisters when it was their turn. And not only do I do this, but I try to be the first to help in any other burdensome task, because I have experienced how much this pleases God.

O inexhaustible treasure of purity of intention which makes all our actions perfect and so pleasing to God!

O Jesus, You know how weak I am; be then ever with me; guide my actions and my whole being, You who are my very best Teacher! Truly Jesus, I become frightened when I look at my own misery, but at the same time I am reassured by Your unfathomable mercy, which exceeds my misery by the measure of all eternity. This disposition of soul clothes me in Your power. O joy that flows from the knowledge of one's self! O unchanging Truth, Your constancy is everlasting!


When I fell sick (probably the beginning of consumption) after my first vows and when despite the kind and solicitous care of my Superiors and the efforts of the doctor, I felt neither better nor worse, remarks began to reach my ears which inferred that I was making believe. With that, my suffering was doubled, and this lasted for quite a long time. One day I complained to Jesus that I was being a burden to the sisters. Jesus answered me, "You are not living for yourself but for souls, and other souls will profit from your sufferings. Your prolonged suffering will give them the light and strength to accept My will."

The heaviest suffering for me was that it seemed to me that neither my prayers nor my good works were pleasing to God. I did not dare lift up my eyes to heaven. This caused me such great suffering during the community exercises in the chapel that one day Mother Superior (Raphael) called me aside after the exercises and said to me, "Sister, ask God for grace and for consolation, because I can see for myself and the sisters keep telling me that the very sight of you evokes pity. I really do not know what to do with you Sister. I command you to stop tormenting yourself for no reason."

But all these conferences with Mother Superior brought me no relief, nor did they clarify anything for me. Rather, even greater darkness hid God from me. I looked for help in the confessional, but not even there did I find it. A saintly priest wanted to help me, but I was so miserable that I couldn't even define my trouble, and that vexed me even more. A deathly sadness penetrated my soul to such an extent that I was unable to hide it, and it was apparent to those around me. I lost hope. The night was growing darker and darker. The priest to whom I went to confession said to me, "I see very special graces in you, Sister, and I am not worried about you at all; why are you torturing yourself in this way?" But at that time what he was saying and was extremely surprised when, by the way of penance, I was ordered to say the Tea Deem or the Magnificat, or to run fast around the garden in the evening, or else to laugh out loud ten times a day. These penances were very surprising to me; but even with that the priest was not able to give me much help. Evidently, God wanted me to give Him glory through suffering.

That priest consoled me, saying that in my present situation I was more pleasing to God than if I were filled with the greatest consolations. "It is a very great grace Sister" he told me, "that in your present condition, with all the torments of soul you are experiencing, you not only do not offend God, but you even try to practice virtues. I am looking into your soul, and I see God's great plans and special graces there; and seeing this I give thanks to the Lord". But despite all that, my soul was in a state of torture; and in the midst of unspeakable torments, I imitated the blind man who entrusts himself to his guide, holding his hand firmly, not giving up obedience for a single moment, and this was my only safety in this field of trial.

O Jesus, eternal Truth, strengthens my feeble forces; You can do all things, Lord. I know that without You all my efforts are in vain. O Jesus, do not hide from me, for I cannot live without You. Listen to the cry of my soul. Your mercy has not been exhausted, Lord, so have pity on my misery. Your mercy surpasses the understanding of all Angels and people put together; and so, although it seems to me that You do not hear me, I put my trust in the ocean of Your mercy, and I know that my hope will not be deceived.

Only Jesus knows how burdensome and difficult it is to accomplish one's duties when the soul is so interiorly tortured, the physical powers so weakened and the mind darkened. In the silence of my heart I kept saying to myself, "O Christ, may delights, honor and glory be Yours, and suffering be mine. I will not lag one step behind as I follow You, though thorns wound my feet."

I was sent for treatment to our house in Plonk, and there I had the privilege of decorating the chapel with flowers. That was at Billowy. Sister Thecia did not always have time for this, so I often decorated the chapel by myself. One day I had picked the prettiest roses to decorate the room of a certain person. When I was approaching the porch, I saw Jesus standing there. In a kindly way He asked me My daughter, to whom are you taking these flowers?" My silence was my reply to the Lord, because I recognized immediately that I had a very subtle attachment to this person, which I had not noticed before. Suddenly Jesus disappeared. At the same moment I threw the flowers on the ground and went before the Blessed Sacrament, my heart filled with gratitude for the grace of knowing myself.

O Divine Sun, in Your rays the soul sees the tiniest specks of dust which displease You.


O Jesus, eternal Truth, our Life, I call upon You and I beg Your mercy for poor sinners. O Most Sacred Heart, Fount of Mercy from which gush forth rays of inconceivable graces upon the entire human race, I beg of You light for poor sinners. O Jesus, be mindful of Your own bitter Passion and do not permit the loss of souls redeemed at so dear a price of Your most Precious Blood. O Jesus, when I consider the great price of Your Blood, I rejoice at its immensity, for one drop alone would have been enough for the salvation of all sinners. Although sin is an abyss of wickedness and ingratitude, the price paid for us can never be equaled. Therefore let every soul trust in the Passion of the Lord, and place its hope in His mercy. God will not deny His mercy to anyone. Heaven and earth may change, but God's mercy will never be exhausted. Oh, what immense joy burns in my heart when I contemplate Your incomprehensible goodness, O Jesus! I desire to bring all sinners to Your feet that they may glorify Your mercy throughout endless ages.

O my Jesus, despite the deep night that is all around me and the dark clouds which hide the horizon, I know that the sun never goes out.
O Lord, though I cannot comprehend You and do not understand Your ways, I nonetheless trust in Your mercy. If it is Your will, Lord, that I live always in such darkness, may You be blessed. I ask You only one thing, Jesus: do not allow me to offend You in anyway. O my Jesus, You alone know the longings and the sufferings of my heart. I am glad I can suffer for You, however little. When I feel that the suffering is more than I can bear, I take refuge in the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament, and I speak to Him with profound silence.

The Confession of One of Our Wards.
One day I felt driven to take steps to see to it that the Feast of Mercy be instituted and the image of the Merciful Jesus be painted, and I could find no peace. Something was pervading my whole being, and yet I feared being deluded. However, these doubts always came from outside, because in the depths of my soul I felt it was the Lord who was penetrating my being. The priest to whom I was going to confession at that time told me that one can often have illusions, and I felt he was somewhat afraid to hear my confession. This was a torture for me. Seeing that I was getting very little help from people, I turned all the more to Jesus, the best of all teachers. At one time, when I was filled with doubts as to whether the voice I heard came from the Lord or not, I began to speak to Jesus interiorly without forming any words. Suddenly an inner force took hold of me and I said, "If You who commune with me and talk to me are truly my God, I beg You, O Lord, to make this ward go this very day to confession; this sign will give me reassurance". At that very moment this girl asked to go to confession.

The Mother in charge of the class was surprised at this sudden change in her, but she undertook to call a priest immediately, and this person made her confession with great compunction. At the same time, I heard a voice within Me say "Do you believe Me now?" And once again a strange power pervaded my soul, strengthening and reassuring me to such a degree that I myself was surprised that I had allowed myself to doubt even for a moment.

But these doubts always come from without, a fact which inclined me to close myself up more and more within myself. When, during confession, I sense uncertainty on the part of the priest, I do not open my soul to its depths, but only accuse myself of my sins. A priest who is not at peace with himself will not be able to inspire peace in another soul.

O priests, you bright candles enlightening human souls, let your brightness never be dimmed. I understood that at that time it was not God's will that I uncover my soul completely. Later on, God did give me this grace.

O my Jesus, direct my mind, take possession of my whole being, enclose me in the depths of Your heart, and protect me against the assaults of the enemy. My only hope is in You. Speak through my mouth when I wretchedness itself, find myself with the mighty and wise, so that they will know that this undertaking is Yours and comes from You.

Darkness and Temptations.
My mind became dimmed in a strange way; no truth seemed clear to me. When people spoke to me about God, my heart was like a rock. I could not draw from it a single sentiment of love for Him. When I tried, by an act of the will, to remain close to Him, I experienced great torments, and it seemed to me that I was only provoking God to an even greater anger. It was absolutely impossible for me to meditate as I had been accustomed to do in the past. I felt in my soul a great void, and there was nothing with which I could fill it. I began to suffer from a great hunger and yearning for God, but I saw my utter powerlessness. I tried to read slowly, sentence by sentence, and to meditate in this way, but this also was of no avail. I understood nothing of what I had read.

The abyss of my misery was constantly before my eyes. Every time I entered the chapel for some spiritual exercise, I experienced even worse torments and temptations. More than once, all through Holy Mass, I had to struggle against blasphemous thoughts which were forcing themselves to my lips. I felt an aversion for the Holy Sacraments, and it seemed to me that I was not profiting from them in any way. It was only out of obedience to my confessor that I frequented them, and this blind obedience was for me the only path I could follow and my very last hope of survival. The priest explained to me that these were trials sent by God and that, in the situation I was in, not only was I not offending God, but I was most pleasing to Him. "This is a sign" he told me, "that God loves you very much and that He has great confidence in you, since He is sending you such trials". But these words brought me no comfort; it seemed to me that they did not apply to me at all.

One thing did surprise me; it often happened that, at the time when I was suffering greatly, these terrible torments would disappear suddenly just as I was approaching the confessional; but as soon as I had left the confessional, all these torments would again seize me with even greater ferocity. I would then fall on my face before the Blessed Sacrament repeating these words: "Even if You kill me, still will I trust in You!" (if Job 13:15). It seemed to me that I would die in these agonies. But the most terrible thought for me was the conviction that I had been rejected by God. Then other thoughts came to me: why strive to acquire virtues and do good works? Why mortify and annihilate yourself? What good is it to take vows? To pray? To sacrifice and immolate yourself? Why sacrifice myself all the time? What good is it - if I am already rejected by God? Why all these efforts? And here, God alone knew what was going on in my heart.


Once when I was being crushed by these dreadful sufferings, I went into the chapel and said from the bottom of my soul, "Do what You will with me, O Jesus; I will adore You in everything. May Your will be done in me, O my Lord and my God, and I will praise Your infinite mercy." Through this act of submission, these terrible torments left me. Suddenly I saw Jesus, who said to me, "I am always in your heart". An inconceivable joy entered my soul, and a great love of God set my heart aflame. I see that God never tries us beyond what we are able to suffer. Oh, I fear nothing; if God sends such great suffering to a soul, He upholds it with an even greater grace, although we are not aware of it. One act of trust at such moments gives greater glory to God than whole hours passed in prayer filled with consolations. Now I see that if God wants to keep a soul in darkness, no book, no confessor can bring it to light.

O Mary, my Mother and my Lady, I offer You my soul, my body, my life and my death, and all that will follow it. I place everything in your hands. O my Mother, cover me with Your virginal mantle and grant me the grace of purity of heart, soul and body. Defend me with Your power against all enemies, and especially against those who hide their malice behind the mask of virtue. O lovely lily! You are for me a mirror, O my Mother!

O Jesus, Divine Prisoner of Love, when I consider Your love and how You emptied Yourself for me, my senses fail me. You hide Your inconceivable majesty and lower Yourself to miserable me. O King of Glory, though You hide Your beauty, yet the eye of my soul rends the veil. I see the angelic choirs giving You honor without cease, and all the heavenly Powers praising You without cease, and without cease they are saying: "Holy, Holy, Holy."

Oh who will comprehend Your love and Your unfathomable mercy towards us! O Prisoner of Love, I lock up my poor heart in this tabernacle, that it may adore You without cease night and day. I know of no obstacle in this adoration, and even though I be physically distant, my heart is always with You. Nothing can put a stop to my love for You. No obstacles exist for me. O my Jesus, I will console You for all the ingratitude, the blasphemies, the coldness, the hatred of the wicked, the sacrileges. O Jesus, I want to burn as a pure offering and to be consumed before the throne of Your headiness. I plead with You unceasingly for poor dying sinners.

O Holy Trinity, One and Indivisible God, may You be blessed for this great gift and testament of mercy. My Jesus, to atone for blasphemers I will keep silent when unjustly reprimanded and in this way make partial amends to You. I am singing within my soul an unending hymn to You, and no one will suspect or understand this. The song of my soul is known to You alone, O my Creator and Lord!

I will not allow myself to be so absorbed in the whirlwind of work as to forget about God. I will spend all my free moments at the feet of the Master hidden in the Blessed Sacrament. He has been tutoring me from my most tender years.

"Write this: before I come as the just Judge, I am coming first as the King of Mercy. Before the day of justice arrives, there will be given to people a sign in the heavens of this sort.

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