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Divine
Mercy Diary - Notebook 1 (Page 1 of 3)
Preface
| Introduction
Notebook
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Notebook 3
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6
Divine Mercy
In my soul
The Diary
of the Servant of God
Sister M. Faustina Kowalska
Perpetually Professed member
of the
Congregation of Sisters of
Our Lady of Mercy
Notebook I
O Eternal
Love, You command Your Sacred Image to be painted And reveal to us
the inconceivable fount of mercy, You bless whoever approaches
Your rays, And a soul all black will turn into snow. O Sweet Jesus
it is here You establish the throne of Your mercy. To bring joy
and hope to sinful man. From your open Heart, as pure from a pure
fount, Flows comfort to a repentant heart and soul. May praise and
glory for this Image Never cease to stream from man's soul. May
praise for God's mercy pour from every heart, Now, and at every
and at every hour and forever and ever.
O My God
When I look into the future, I am frightened, But why plunge into
the future? Only the present moment is precious to me, As the
future may never enter my soul at all. It is no longer in my power
to change, correct or add to the past; For neither sages nor
prophets could do that. And so what the past has embraced I must
entrust to God.
O present moment, you belong to me, whole and entire. I desire to
use you as best I can. And although I am weak and small, You grant
me the grace of Your omnipotence. And so, trusting in Your mercy,
I walk through life like a little child, offering You each day
this heart Burning with love for Your greater Glory.
J.M.J.
(Jesus, Mary, and Joseph)
God and souls
King of Mercy, guide my soul.
Sister M Faustina
of the Blessed Sacrament.

Vilnius,
July 28, 1934.
O my Jesus, because of my trust in You, I weave thousands of
garlands, and I know that they will all blossom. And I know that
they will all blossom when God's sun will shine on them. O great
and Divine Sacrament That veils my God! Jesus, be with me each
moment, And no fear will enter my heart.
J.M.J
GOD AND SOULS VILNIUS, JULY 28, 1934 FIRST NOTE BOOK.
Be adored, O Most Holy Trinity, now and for all time. Be adored in
all Your works and all Your creatures. May the greatness of Your
mercy be admired and glorified, O God,.
I am to write down the encounters of my soul with You O God, at
the moments of Your special visitations. I am to write about You,
O Incomprehensible in mercy towards my poor soul. Your holy will
is the life of my soul. I have received this order through him who
is for me Your representative here on earth, who interprets Your
holy Will to me. Jesus, You see how difficult it is for me to
write, how unable I am to put down clearly what I experience in my
soul. O God can a pen write down that for which, many a time there
are no words? But You give the order to write O God; and that is
enough for me.
Warsaw, August 1, 1925
Entrance into the Convent.
From the age of seven, I experienced the definite call of God, the
grace of a vocation to the religious life. It was in the seventh
year of my life that, for the first time, I heard God's voice in
my soul; that is an invitation to a more perfect life. But I was
not always obedient to the call of grace. I came across no one who
would have explained these things to me.
The eighteenth year of my life. An earnest appeal to my parents
for permission to enter the convent. My parents flat refusal.
After this refusal, I turned myself over to the vain things of
life, paying no attention to the call of grace, although my soul
found no satisfaction in any of these things. The incessant call
of grace caused me much anguish; I tried, however, to stifle it
with amusements. Interiorly I shunned God, turning with all my
heart to creatures. However, God's grace won out in my soul.
Once I was at a dance (probably in Lode) with one of my sisters.
While everybody was having a good time, my soul was experiencing
deep torments. As I began to dance, I suddenly saw Jesus at my
side, Jesus racked with pain, stripped of His clothing, all
covered with wounds, who spoke these words to me: "How
long shall I put up with you and how long will you keep putting Me
off?" At
that moment the charming music stopped, (and) the company I was
with vanished from my sight; there remained Jesus and I. I took a
seat by my dear sister, pretending to have a headache in order to
cover up what took place in my soul. After a while I slipped out
unnoticed, leaving my sister and all my companions behind and made
my way to the Cathedral of Saint Stanislaus Kostka.
It was already beginning to grow light; there were only a few
people in the Cathedral. Paying no attention to what was happening
around me, I fell prostrate before the Blessed Sacrament and
begged the Lord to be good enough to give me to understand what I
should do next.
Then I heard these words: "Go
at once to Warsaw; you will enter a convent there". I
rose from prayer, came home, and took care of things that needed
to be settled. As best I could, I confided to my sister what took
place within my soul. I told her to say goodbye to our parents,
and thus, in my one dress, with no other belongings, I arrived at
Warsaw.
When I got off the train and saw that all were going their
separate ways, I was overcome with fear. What am I to do? To whom
shall I turn, as I know no-one? So I said to the Mother of God,
"Mary, lead me, guide me". Immediately I heard these
words within me telling me to leave the town and to go to a
certain nearby village where I would find safe lodgings for the
night. I did so and found in fact that everything was just as the
Mother of God told me.

Very early the next day, I rode back into the city and entered the
first church I saw (St. James Church at Grojecka Street in Ochota,
a suburb of Warsaw). There I began to pray to know further the
will of God. Holy Masses were being celebrated one after another.
During one of them I heard the words: "Go
to that Priest (Father James
Dobrowski, pastor of St. James) tell
him everything; he will tell you what to do next". After
the Mass I went to the sacristy. I told the priest all that had
taken place in my soul, and I asked him to advise me where to take
the veil, in which religious order.
The Priest was surprised at first, but told me to have strong
confidence that God would provide for my future. "For the
time being" he said shall send you to a pious lady (Aldona
Lipszycowa) with whom you will stay until you enter a
convent" . When I called on this lady, she received me very
kindly. During the time I stayed with her, I was looking for a
convent, but at whatever convent door I knocked I was turned away.
Sorrow gripped my heart, and I said to the Lord Jesus, "Help
me; don't leave me alone". At last I knocked on our door.
When Mother Superior, the present Mother General Michael came out
to meet me, she told me after a short conversation, to go to the
Lord of the house and ask whether He would accept me. I understood
at once that I was to ask this of the Lord Jesus. With great joy,
I went to the chapel and asked Jesus: "Lord of this house, do
You accept me? This is how one of the sisters told me to put this
question to You".
Immediately I heard this voice: "I
do accept; you are in My Heart". When
I returned from the chapel, Mother Superior asked first of all,
"Well, has the Lord accepted you?" I answered,
"Yes". "If the Lord has accepted (she said) then I
also will accept".
This is how I was accepted. However, for many reasons I still had
to remain in the world for more than a year with that pious woman
(Aldona Lipszycowa), but I did not go back to my own home.
At that time I had to struggle with many difficulties, but God was
lavish with His graces. An ever greater longing for God did take
hold of me. The lady, pious as she was, did not understand the
happiness of religious life and, in her kindheartedness began to
make other plans for my future life. And yet, I sensed that I had
a heart so big that nothing would be capable of filling it. And so
I turned with all the longing of my soul to God.
It was during the octave of Corpus Christ (June 25 1925). God
filled my soul with the interior light of a deeper knowledge of
Him as Supreme Goodness and Supreme Beauty. I came to know how
very much God loves me. Eternal is His love for me. It was at
vespers. In simple words which flowed from the heart, I made to
God a vow of perpetual chastity. From that moment I felt a greater
intimacy with God, my Spouse. From that moment I set up a little
cell in my heart where I always kept company with Jesus.
At last the time came when the door of the convent was opened for
me - it was the first of August (1925), in the evening, the vigil
of the Feast of Our Lady of the Angels. I felt immensely happy; it
seemed to me that I had stepped into the life of Paradise. A
single prayer was bursting forth from my heart, one of
thanksgiving.
However, after three weeks I became aware that there is so little
time here for prayer, and of many other things which spoke to my
soul in favor of entering a religious community of a stricter
observance. This thought took a firm hold of my soul, but the will
of God was not in it. Still, the thought, or rather the temptation
was growing stronger and stronger to the point where I decided one
day to announce my departure to Mother Superior and definitely to
leave the convent. But God arranged the circumstances in such away
that I could not get to the Mother Superior (Michael). I stepped
into the little chapel before going to bed, and I asked Jesus for
light in this matter. But I received nothing in my soul except a
strange unrest which I did not understand. But, in spite of
everything, I made up my mind to approach Mother Superior the next
morning right after Mass and tell her of my decision.

I came to my cell. The sisters were already in bed- the lights
were out. I entered the cell full of anguish and discontent; I did
not know what to do with myself. I threw myself head long on the
ground and began to pray fervently that I might come to know the
will of God. There is silence everywhere as in the tabernacle. All
the sisters are resting like white hosts enclosed in Jesus'
chalice. It is only from my cell that God can hear the moaning of
a soul. I did not know that one was allowed to pray in the cell
after nine without permission.
After a while a brightness filled my cell, and on the curtain I
saw the very sorrowful face of Jesus. There were open wounds on
His Face, and large tears were falling on my bedspread. Not
knowing what all this meant, I asked Jesus, "Jesus, who has
hurt You so?" And Jesus said to me: "It
is you who will cause Me this pain if you leave this convent. It
is to this place that I called you and nowhere else; and I have
prepared many graces for you". I
begged pardon of Jesus and immediately changed my decision.
The next day was confession day. I related all that had taken
place in my soul, and the confessor answered that, from this God's
will is clear that I am to remain in this congregation and that
I'm not even to think of another religious order. From that moment
on, I have always felt happy and content.
Shortly after this, I fell ill (general exhaustion). The dear
Mother Superior sent me with two other sisters for a rest to
Skolimow, not far from Warsaw. It was at that time that I asked
the Lord who else I should pray for. Jesus said that on the
following night He would let me know for whom I should pray.
(The next night) I saw my Guardian Angel, who ordered me to follow
him. In a moment I was in a misty place full of fire in which
there was a great crowd of suffering souls. They were praying
fervently, but to no avail, for themselves; only we can come to
their aid. The flames which were burning them did not touch me at
all. My Guardian Angel did not leave me for an instant. I asked
these souls what their greatest suffering was. They answered me in
one voice that their greatest torment was longing for God. I saw
Our Lady visiting the souls in Purgatory. The souls called Her the
Star of the Sea. She brings them refreshment. I wanted to talk
with them some more, but my Guardian Angel beckoned me to leave.
We went out of that prison of suffering. ( I heard an interior
voice) which said, "My mercy does
not want this, but justice demands it." Since
that time, I am in closer communion with the suffering souls.
End of postulancy (April 29, 1926) - My superiors (probably Mother
Leonard and Mother Jane) sent me to the novitiate in Krakow. An
inconceivable joy reigned in my soul. When we arrived at the
novitiate, Sister (Henry) was dying. A few days later she came to
me (in spirit, after her death) and bid me to go to Mother
Directness of Novices (Sister Margaret) and tell her to ask her
confessor, Father Rod pond, to offer one Mass for her and three
ejaculatory prayers. At first I agreed, but the next day I decided
I would not go to Mother Directness, because I was not sure
whether this had happened in a dream or in reality. And so I did
not go.
The following night the same thing was repeated more clearly; I
had no more doubt. Still, in the morning I decided not to tell the
Directness about it unless I saw her (Sister Henry) during the
day. At once I ran into her in the corridor. She reproached me for
not having gone immediately, a great uneasiness filled my soul. So
I went immediately to Mother Directness and told her everything
that had happened to me. Mother responded that she would take care
of the matter. At once peace reigned in my soul, and on the third
day this sister came to me and said, "May God repay
you".

The day I took the (religious) habit, God let me understand how
much I was to suffer. I clearly saw to what I was committing
myself. I experienced a moment of that suffering. But then God
filled my soul again with great consolations.
Towards the end of the first year of my novitiate, darkness began
to cast its shadow over my soul. I felt no consolation in prayer;
I had to make a great effort to meditate; fear began to sweep over
me. Going deeper into myself I could find nothing but great
misery. I could also clearly see the great holiness of God. I did
not dare to raise my eyes to Him, but reduced myself to dust under
His feet and begged for mercy. My soul was in this state for
almost six months. Our beloved Mother Directness (Mary Joseph)
encouraged me in these difficult moments. But this suffering
became greater and greater.
The second year of the novitiate was approaching. Whenever I
recalled that I was to make my vows, my soul shuddered. I did not
understand what I was reading; I could not meditate; it seemed to
me that my prayer was displeasing to God. It seemed to me that by
approaching the Holy Sacraments I was offending God even more. But
despite this, my confessor (Father Theodore) did not let me omit
one single Holy Communion. God was working very strangely in my
soul. I did not understand anything at all of what my confessor
was telling me. The simple truths of the faith became
incomprehensible to me. My soul was in anguish, unable to find
comfort anywhere.
At a certain point, there came to me the very powerful impression
that I am rejected by God. This terrible thought pierced my soul
right through; in the midst of the suffering my soul began to
experience the agony of death. I wanted to die but could not. The
thought came to me: of what use is it to strive for virtues; why
mortify oneself when all this is disagreeable to God? When I made
this known to the Directness of Novices, I received this reply,
"Know, dear sister, that God has chosen you for great
sanctity. This is a sign that God wants to have you very close to
Himself in Heaven. Have great trust in the Lord Jesus".
That dreadful thought of being rejected by God is the actual
torture suffered by the damned. I fled to Jesus' Wounds and
repeated the words of trust, but these words became for me an even
greater torture. I went before the Blessed Sacrament, and I began
to speak to Jesus: "Jesus, You said that a mother would
sooner forget her infant than God His creature, and that even if
she would forget her infant, 'I God would never forget My
creature'. O Jesus, do you You hear how my soul is moaning? Deign
to hear the painful whimpers of Your child. I trust in You, O God,
because heaven and earth will pass, but Your word will last
forever.' Still I found not a moment of relief.
One day, just as I had awakened, when I was putting myself in the
presence of God, I was suddenly overwhelmed with despair. Complete
darkness in the soul. I fought as best as I could till noon. In
the afternoon, truly deadly fears began to seize me; my physical
strength began to leave me. I went quickly to my cell, fell on my
knees before the Crucifix and began to cry out for mercy. But
Jesus did not hear my cries. I felt my physical strength leave me
completely. I fell to the ground, despair flooding my whole soul.
I suffered terrible tortures in no way different than the torments
of hell. I was in this state for three quarters of an hour. I
wanted to go and see the Directness, but was too weak. I wanted to
shout but I had no voice. Fortunately, one of the sisters (another
novice, Sister Placid Pottery) came into my cell. Finding me in
such a strange condition, she immediately told the Directness
about it. Mother came at once. As soon as she entered the cell she
said "In the name of holy obedience get up from the
ground". Immediately some force raised me up from the ground,
and I stood up close, to the dear Mother Directness. With kindly
words she began to explain to me that this was a trial sent to me
by God saying to me "Have great confidence; God is always our
Father, even when He sends us trials."
I returned to my duties as if I had come out from the tomb, my
senses saturated with what my soul had experienced. During the
evening service, my soul began to agonize again in a terrible
darkness. I felt that I was in the power of the Just God, and that
I was the object of His indignation. During these terrible moments
I said to God, "Jesus, who in the Gospel compare Yourself to
a most tender mother, I trust in Your words because You are Truth
and Life. In spite of everything, I trust in You in the face of
every interior sentiment which sets itself against hope. Do what
you want with me; I will never leave You, because You are the
source of my life". Only one who has lived through similar
moments can understand how terrible is this torment of the soul.
During the night, the Mother of God visited me, holding the Infant
Jesus in Her arms. My soul was filled with joy, and I said,
"Mary, my Mother, do you know how terribly I suffer?"
And the Mother of God answered me, "I
know how much you suffer, but do not be afraid. I share with you
your suffering, and I shall always do so." She
smiled warmly and disappeared. At once, strength and a great
courage sprang up anew in my soul; but that lasted only one day.
It seemed as though hell had conspired against me. A terrible
hatred began to break out in my soul, a hatred for all that is
holy and divine. It seemed to me that these spiritual torments
would be my lot for the rest of my life. I turned to the Blessed
Sacrament and said to Jesus, "Jesus, my Spouse, do You not
see that my soul is dying because of its longing for You? How can
You hide Yourself from a heart that loves You so sincerely?
Forgive me, Jesus; may your holy will be done in me. I will suffer
silently like a dove, without complaining. I will not allow my
heart even one single cry of sorrowful complaint."

End of the novitiate. The suffering does not diminish. Physical
weakness dispenses me from all (community) spiritual exercises;
that is to say, they are replaced by brief ejaculatory prayers.
Good Friday (April 16, 1928) -Jesus catches up my heart into the
very flame of His love. This was during the evening adoration. All
of a sudden, the Divine Presence invaded me, and I forgot
everything else. Jesus gave me to understand how much He had
suffered for me. This lasted a very short time. An intense
yearning - a longing to love God.
First vows (First profession of temporary vows, April 30, 1928).
An ardent desire to empty myself for God by an active, but a love
that would be imperceptible, even to the sisters closest to me.
However, even after the vows, darkness continued to reign in my
soul for almost half a year. Once, when I was praying, Jesus
pervaded all my soul, darkness melted away, and I heard these
words within me: "You are My joy;
you are My heart's delight". From
that moment I felt the Most Holy Trinity in my heart; that is to
say, within myself. I felt that I was inundated with Divine light.
Since then, my soul has been in intimate communion with God, like
a child with its beloved Father.
Once Jesus told me, "Go to Mother
Superior (probably Mother Raphael) and
ask her to let you wear a hair shirt for seven days, and once each
night you are to get up and come to the chapel." I
said yes, I found a certain difficulty in actually going to the
Superior. In the evening Jesus asked me, "How
long will you put it off?" I
made up my mind to tell Mother Superior the very next time I would
see her.
The next day before noon I saw Mother Superior going to the
refectory and, since the kitchen, refectory and Sister Eyelashes
little room are all close to each other, I asked Mother Superior
to come into Sister Eyelashes room and told her of the wish of the
Lord Jesus. At that, Mother answered, "I will not permit you
to wear any hair shirt. Absolutely not! If the Lord Jesus were to
give you the strength of a colossus, I would not then permit those
mortifications."
I apologized for taking up Mother's time and left the room. At
that very moment I saw Jesus standing at the kitchen door, and I
said to Him, "You commanded me to ask for these
mortifications, but Mother Superior will not permit them".
Jesus said "I was here during your
conversation with the Superior and know everything. I don't demand
mortification from you, but obedience. By obedience you give great
glory to Me and gain merit for yourself."
One of the Mothers (probably Mother
Jane), when she learned about my close relationship with the Lord
Jesus, told me that I must be deluding myself. She told me that
the Lord Jesus associates in this way only with the saints and not
with sinful souls "like you Sister!" After that, it was
as if I mistrusted Jesus. In one of my morning talks with Him I
said, "Jesus are You not an illusion?" Jesus answered
me, "My love deceives no
one".
On one occasion I was reflecting on
the Holy Trinity, on the essence of God. I absolutely wanted to
know and fathom who God is... In an instant my spirit was caught
up into what seemed to be the next world. I saw an inaccessible
light, and in this light what appeared like three sources of light
which I could not understand. And out of that light came words in
the form of lightening which encircled heaven and earth. Not
understanding anything, I was very sad. Suddenly, from this sea of
inaccessible light came our dearly beloved Savior, unutterably
beautiful with His shining Wounds. And from this light came a
voice which said, " Who God is in
His Essence, no one will fathom, neither the mind of Angels nor
man." Jesus said to me, Get
to know God by contemplating His attributes." A
moment later, He traced the sign of the Cross with His hand and
vanished.
Once I saw a big crowd of people in our chapel, in front of the
chapel and in the street, because there was no room for them
inside. The chapel was decorated for a feast. There were a lot of
clergy near the altar, and then our sisters and those of many
other congregations. They were all waiting for the person who was
to take a place on the altar. Suddenly I heard a voice saying that
I was to take a place on the altar. But as soon I left the
corridor to go across the yard and enter the chapel, following the
voice that was calling me, all the people began to throw at me
whatever they had to hand: mud, stones, sand, brooms, to such an
extent that I at first hesitated to go forward. But the voice kept
on calling me even more earnestly, so I walked on bravely.
When I entered the chapel, the superiors, the sisters, the
students, and even my parents started to hit me with whatever they
could, and so whether I wanted to or not, I quickly took my place
on the altar. As soon as I was there, the very same people, the
students, the sisters, the superiors and my parents all began to
hold their arms out to me asking for graces; and as for me, I did
not bear any grudge against them for having thrown all sorts of
things at me, and I was surprised that I felt a very special love
precisely for those persons who had forced me to go more quickly
to my appointed place. At the same time my souls was filled with
ineffable happiness, and I heard these words, "Do
whatever you wish, distribute graces as you will, to whom you will
and when you will." Then,
instantly, the vision disappeared.
Another time I heard these words, "Go
to the Superior and ask her to allow you to make a daily hour of
adoration for nine days. During this adoration try to unite
yourself in prayer with My Mother. Pray with all your heart in
union with Mary, and try also during this time to make the Way of
the Cross." I received the
permission, though not for a full hour, but only for whatever time
was left me after I had carried out my duties.

I was to make this novena for the intention of my Motherland. On
the seventh day of the novena I saw, between heaven and earth, the
Mother of God, clothed in a bright robe. She was praying with Her
hands folded on her bosom, Her eyes fixed on Heaven. From Her
Heart issued forth fiery rays, some of which were turned towards
Heaven while the others were covering our country.
When I told this and certain other things to my confessor, he
replied that these might really be coming from God, but that they
might also be an illusion. Because of my frequent changes (of
assignments), I did not have a permanent confessor and besides, I
had great difficulty in speaking of these things. I prayed
ardently that the Lord would give me that great grace - that is, a
spiritual director. But my prayer was answered only after my
perpetual vows, when I went to Vilnius. The priest was Father
Sopocko. God had allowed me to see him in an interior vision even
before I came to Vilnius.
Oh, if only I had had a spiritual director from the beginning,
then I would not have wasted so many of God's graces. A confessor
can help a soul a great deal, but he can also cause it a lot of
harm. Oh how careful confessors should be about the work of God's
grace in their penitents' souls! This is a matter of great
importance. By the graces given to a soul, one can recognize the
degree of its intimacy with God.
Once I was summoned to the judgment (seat) of God. I stood alone
before the Lord. Jesus appeared such as we know Him during His
Passion. After a moment, His wounds disappeared except for five,
those in His hands, His feet and His side. Suddenly I saw the
complete condition of my soul as God sees it. I could clearly see
all that is displeasing to God. I did not know that even the
smallest transgressions will have to be accounted for. What a
moment! Who can describe it? To stand before the Thrice - Holy -
God! Jesus asked me, "Who are
you?" I answered, "I am
Your servant Lord". "You are
guilty of one day of fire in Purgatory". I
wanted to throw myself immediately into the flames of purgatory,
but Jesus stopped me and said, "Which
do you prefer, suffer one day in purgatory or for a short while on
earth?" I replied, "Jesus,
I want to suffer in purgatory, and I want to suffer also the
greatest pains on earth, even if it were to the end of the
World". Jesus said, "One (of
the two) is enough; you will go back to earth, and there you will
suffer much, but not for long; you will accomplish my will and My
desires, and a faithful servant of Mine will help you to do this.
Now rest your head on My bosom, on My heart, and draw from it
strength and power for these sufferings, because you will find
neither relief nor help nor comfort anywhere else. Know that you
will have much, much to suffer, but don't let this frighten you; I
am with you."
Soon afterwards I became ill.
Physical weakness was for me a school of patience. Only Jesus
knows how many efforts of will I had to make to fulfill my duty.
In order to purify a soul, Jesus uses whatever instruments He
likes. My soul underwent a complete abandonment on the part of
creatures; often my best intentions were misinterpreted by the
sisters, a type of suffering which is most painful; but God allows
it, and we must accept it because in this way we become more like
Jesus. There was one thing which I could not understand for long
time: Jesus ordered me to tell everything to my Superiors, but my
Superiors did not believe what I said and treated me with pity as
though I were being deluded or were imagining things.
Because of this, believing myself to be deluded, I resolved to
avoid God interiorly for fear of these illusions. But the grace of
God pursued me at every step, and God spoke to me when I least
expected it.
One day Jesus told me that He would cause a chastisement to fall
upon the most beautiful city in our country (probably Warsaw).
This chastisement would be that with which God had punished Sodom
and Gomorrah. I saw the great wrath of God and a shudder pierced
my heart. I prayed in silence. After a moment Jesus said to me, "My
child, unite yourself closely to me during the Sacrifice and offer
My Blood and My Wounds to My Father in expiation for the sins of
that city. Repeat this without interruption throughout the entire
Holy Mass. Do this for seven days." On
the seventh day I saw Jesus in a bright cloud and began to beg Him
to look upon the city and upon our whole country. Jesus looked
(down) graciously. When I saw the kindness of Jesus, I began to
beg His blessing. Immediately Jesus said, "For
your sake I bless the entire country". And
He made a big sign of the cross over our country. Seeing the
goodness of God, a great joy filled my soul.

The year 1929. Once during Holy Mass, I felt in a very special way
the closeness of God, although I tried to turn away and escape
from Him. On several occasions I have run away from God because I
did not want to be a victim of the evil spirit: since others have
told me more than once, that such is the case. And this
incertitude lasted for quite some time. During Holy Mass, before
Communion, we had the renewal of vows. When we had left our
kneelers and had started to recite the formula for the vows, Jesus
appeared suddenly at my side clad in a white garment with a golden
girdle around His waist, and He said to me, "I
give you eternal love that your purity may be untarnished and as a
sign that you will never be subject to temptation against
purity." Jesus took off His
golden tincture and tied it around my waist.
Since then I have never experienced any attacks against this
virtue, either in my heart or in my mind. I later understood that
this was one of the greatest graces which the Most Holy Virgin
Mary had obtained for me, as for many years I had been asking this
grace of Her. Since that time I have experienced an increasing
devotion to the Mother of God. She has taught me how to love God
interiorly and also how to carry out His holy will in all things.
O Mary, You are joy, because through You God descended to earth
(and) into my heart.
On one occasion I saw a servant of God in the immediate danger of
committing a mortal sin. I started to beg God to deign to send
down upon me all the torments of hell and all the sufferings. He
wished if only this priest would be set free and snatched from the
occasion of committing a sin. Jesus heard my prayer and, that very
instant, I felt a crown of thorns on my head. The thorns
penetrated my head with great force right into my brain. This
lasted for three hours; the servant of God was set free from this
sin, and his soul was strengthened by a special grace of God.
Once on Christmas Day (1928), I felt the omnipotence and the
presence of God surrounding me. And once more I fled from this
interior meeting with the Lord. I asked Mother Superior for
permission to go to Jozefinek to visit the sisters there. The
Superior gave us permission, and we started to get ready right
after lunch. The other sisters were already waiting for me at the
door of the convent while I ran to my cell to get my cloak. On my
way back, as I was passing close to the little chapel, I saw Jesus
standing in the doorway. He said to me, "Go
ahead, but I am taking your heart". Suddenly
I felt I had no heart in my chest. But the sisters were scolding
me for lingering behind, saying that it was already getting late,
so I quickly went along with them. But a sense of uneasiness
troubled me, and a strange longing invaded my soul, though no one
knew what was happening except God.
After we had been at Jozefinek for only a few minutes, I said to
the sisters, "Let's go back home". The sisters asked for
at least a moment's rest, but my spirit could find no peace. I
explained that we must return before dark and in as much as we had
quite a distance to go, we immediately returned home. When Mother
Superior met us in the hall way she asked me, "Haven't the
sisters gone yet, or have they already returned?" I said that
we had already returned because I did not want to be returning in
the evening. I took off my cloak and immediately went to the
little chapel. As soon as I entered Jesus said to me, "Go
to Mother Superior and tell her that you came back, not in order
to reach home before dark, but because I had taken your
heart." Even though this was
very difficult for me, I went to the Superior, and I told her
frankly the real reason I had come back so soon, and I asked
pardon of the Lord for everything that had displeased Him. And
then Jesus filled me with great joy. I understood that apart from
God there is no contentment anywhere.
On one occasion I saw two sisters who were about to enter hell. A
terrible agony tore my soul; I prayed to God for them, and Jesus
said to me, "Go to Mother Superior
and tell her that those two sisters are in danger of committing a
mortal sin". The next day I told
this to the Superior. One of them has already repented with great
fervor and the other was going through a great struggle.
One day Jesus said to me, "I am
going to leave this house...because there are things here which
displease Me." And the Host came
out of the tabernacle and came to rest in my hands and I, with
joy, placed it back in the tabernacle. This was repeated a second
time, and I did the same thing. Despite this, it happened a third
time, but the Host was transformed into the living Lord Jesus, who
said to me, "I will stay here no
longer!" At this a powerful love
for Jesus rose up in my soul. I answered, "And I, I will not
let You leave this house, Jesus!" And again Jesus disappeared
while the Host remained in my hands. Once again I put it back in
the chalice and closed it up in the tabernacle. And Jesus stayed
with us. I undertook to make three days of adoration by way of
reparation.

Once Jesus said to me, "Tell
Mother General (Michael) that in this house...such and such a
thing is being committed...which displeases Me and offends Me
greatly." I did not tell this to
Mother right away, but the uneasiness which the Lord made me feel
did not permit me to wait a minute longer, and I wrote immediately
to Mother General, and peace returned to my soul.
I often felt the Passion of the Lord Jesus in my body, although
this was imperceptible (to others), and I rejoiced in it because
Jesus wanted it so. But this lasted for only a short time. These
sufferings set my soul afire with love for God and for immortal
souls. Love endures everything, love is stronger than death, love
fears nothing...
February 22, 1931. In the evening, when I was in my cell, I saw
the Lord Jesus clothed in a white garment. One hand (was ) raised
in the gesture of blessing, the other was touching the garment at
the breast. From beneath the garment, slightly drawn aside at the
breast. From beneath the garment, slightly drawn aside at the
breast, there were emanating two large rays, one red, the other
pale. In silence I kept my gaze fixed on the Lord: my soul was
struck with awe, but also with great joy. After a while, Jesus
said to me, "Paint an image
according to the pattern you see, with the signature: Jesus I
trust in You. I desire that this image be venerated, first in your
chapel and (then) throughout the world."
"I promise that the soul that will venerate this image will
not perish. I also promise victory over (its) enemies already here
on earth, especially at the hour of death. I Myself will defend it
as My own glory."
When I told this to my confessor, I
received this for a reply: "That refers to your soul".
He told me, "Certainly, paint God's image in your soul."
When I came out of the confessional, I again heard words such as
these: "My image already is in
your soul. I desire that there be a Feast of Mercy. I want this
image, which you will paint with a brush, to be solemnly blessed
on the first Sunday after Easter; that Sunday is to be the Feast
of Mercy. "I desire that priests proclaim this great mercy of
Mine towards souls of sinners. Let the sinner not be afraid to
approach Me. The flames of mercy are burning Me- clamoring to be
spent; I want to pour them out upon these souls".
Jesus complained to me in these
words, "Distrust on the part of
souls is tearing at My insides. The distrust of a chosen soul
causes Me even greater pain; despite My inexhaustible love for
them they do not trust in Me. Even My death is not enough for
them. Woe to the soul that abuses these (gifts).
When I spoke about this to Mother
Superior (Rose, telling her) that God had asked this of me, she
answered that Jesus should give some sign so that we could
recognize Him more clearly.
When I asked the Lord Jesus for a sign as a proof "that You
are truly my God and Lord and that this request comes from
You". I heard this interior voice, "I
will make this all clear to the Superior by means of the graces
which I will grant through this image."
When I tried to run away from these
interior inspirations, God said to me that on the day of judgment
He would demand of me a great number of souls.
Once, exhausted because of these various difficulties that had
befallen me because of what Jesus had said to me and what He had
demanded of me for the painting of this image, I made up my mind
to approach Father Endures before my perpetual vows, and to ask
him to dispense me from all these interior inspirations and from
the duty of painting this image. After having heard my confession,
Father Endures gave me this answer: "I will dispense you of
nothing, Sister; it is not right for you to turn away from these
interior inspirations, but you must absolutely - and I say,
absolutely - speak about them to your confessor; otherwise you
will go astray despite the great graces you are receiving from
God".
"For the present you are coming to me for confession, but
understand, Sister, that you must have a permanent confessor, that
is to say, a spiritual director."
I was very upset by this. I thought that I would get myself free
from everything, and it turned out quite the opposite - an
explicit command to follow the requests of Jesus. And now, still
another torment, as I had no permanent confessor. Even if I went
to the same confessor for a certain period of time, I could not
open my soul to him in respect to these graces, and this caused me
ineffable pain. So I asked Jesus to give these graces to someone
else, because I did not know how to make use of them and was only
wasting them. "Jesus, have mercy on me; do not entrust such
great things to me, as You see that I am a bit of dust and
completely inept."
But the goodness of Jesus is infinite; He had promised me visible
help here on earth, and a little while later I received it in
Vilnius, in the person of Father Sopocko. I had already known him
before coming to Vilnius, thanks to an interior vision. One day I
saw him in our chapel between the altar and the confessional and
suddenly heard a voice in my soul say, "This
is the visible help for you on earth. He will help you carry out
My will on earth."

One day, tired out with all these
uncertainties, I asked Jesus, "Jesus, are You my God or some
kind of phantom? Because my Superiors say that there are all sorts
of illusions and phantoms. If You are my Lord, I beg You bless
me". Then Jesus made a big sign of the cross over me and I
too, signed myself. When I asked pardon of Jesus for this
question, He replied that I had in no way displeased Him by this
question and that my confidence pleased Him very much.
Spiritual Counsel Given me by Father Endures, S.J.-1933
First: You must not turn away from these interior inspirations,
but always tell everything to your confessor. If you recognize
that these interior inspirations refer to your own self; this is
to say, they are for the good of your soul or for the good of
other souls, I urge you to follow them; and you must not neglect
them, but always do so in consultation with your confessor.
Second: If these inspirations are not in accord with the faith or
the spirit of the Church, they must be rejected immediately as
coming from the evil spirit.
Third: If these inspirations do not refer to souls, in general,
nor specifically to their good, you should not take them too
seriously, and it would be better to even ignore them.
But you should not make this decision by yourself, either one way
or the other, as you can easily be led astray despite these great
favors from God. Humility, humility, and ever humility, as we can
do nothing of ourselves; all is purely and simply God's grace.
You say to me that God demands great trust from souls; well then,
you be the first to show this trust. And one more word - accept
all this with serenity.
Words of one of the confessors: "Sister, God is preparing
many special graces for you, but try to make your life as clear as
crystal before the Lord, paying no attention to what anyone else
thinks about you. Let God suffice you. He alone".
Towards the end of my novitiate, a confessor (perhaps Father
Theodore) told me: "Go through life doing good, so that I
could write on its pages; 'she spent her life doing good'. May God
bring this about in you."
Another time the confessor said to me, "Comport yourself
before God like the widow in the Gospel; although the coin she
dropped into the box was of little value, it counted far more
before God than all the big offerings of others."
On another occasion the instruction I received was this: "Act
in such a way that all those who come in contact with you will go
away joyful. Sow happiness about you because you have received
much from God; give, then, generously to others. They should take
leave of you with their hearts filled with joy, even if they have
no more than touched the hem of your garment. Keep well in mind
the words I am telling you now."
Still another time he gave me the following recommendation:
"Let God push your boat out into the deep waters, towards the
unfathomable depths of the interior life".
Here are a few words from a conversation I had with the Mother
Directness (Mary Joseph) toward the end of my novitiate:
"Sister, let simplicity and humility be the characteristic
traits of your soul. Go through life like a little child, always
trusting, always full of simplicity and humility, content with
everything, happy in every circumstance. There, where others fear,
you will pass calmly along, thanks to this simplicity and
humility. Remember this Sister, for your whole life: as waters
flow from the mountains down into the valleys, so, too, do God's
graces flow into humble souls."
O my God, I understand well that You demand this spiritual
childhood of me, because you are constantly asking it of me
through Your representatives.

At the beginning of my religious life, suffering and adversities
frightened and disheartened me. So I prayed continuously, asking
Jesus to strengthen me and to grant me the power of His Holy
Spirit that I might carry out His holy will in all things, because
from the beginning I have been aware of my weakness. I know very
well what I am of myself, because for this purpose Jesus has
opened the eyes of my soul; I am an abyss of misery, and hence I
understand that whatever good there is in my soul consists solely
of His holy grace. The knowledge of my own misery allows me, at
the same time, to know the immensity of Your mercy. In my own
interior life, I am looking with one eye at the abyss of my misery
and baseness, and with the other, at the abyss of your mercy, O
God.
O my Jesus, You are the life of my life. You know only too well
that I long for nothing but the glory of Your Name and that souls
come to know Your goodness. Why do souls avoid You, Jesus? - I
don't understand that. Oh, if I could only cut my heart into tiny
pieces and in this way offer to You, O Jesus, each piece as a
heart whole and entire, to make up in part for the hearts that do
not love You! I love You, Jesus, with every drop of my blood, and
I would gladly shed my blood for You to give You a proof of the
sincerity of my love. O God, the more I know You the less I can
comprehend You, but this" non- comprehension" lets me
realize how great You are! And it is this impossibility of
comprehending You which inflames my heart anew for You, O Lord.
From the moment from when You let me fix the eyes of my soul on
You, O Jesus, I have been at peace and desired nothing else. I
found my destiny at the moment when my soul lost itself in You,
the only object of my love. In comparison with you, everything is
nothing. Sufferings, adversities, humiliations, failures and
suspicions that have come my way are splinters that keep alive the
fire of my love for You, O Jesus.
My desires are mad and unattainable. I wish to conceal from You
that I suffer. I want never to be rewarded for my efforts and my
good actions. You yourself, Jesus are my only reward; You are
enough, O Treasure of my heart! I want to share compassionately in
the sufferings of my neighbors and to conceal my own sufferings,
not only from them, but also from You, Jesus.
Suffering is a great grace; through suffering the soul becomes
like the Savior; in suffering love becomes crystallized; the
greater the suffering, the purer the love.
One night, a sister who had died two months previously came to me.
She was a sister of the first choir. I saw her in a terrible
condition, all in flames with her face painfully distorted. This
lasted only a short time, and then she disappeared. A shudder went
through my soul because I did not know whether she was suffering
in purgatory or in hell. Nevertheless I redoubled my prayers for
her. The next night she came again, but I saw her in an even more
horrible state, in the midst of flames which were even more
intense, and despair was written all over her face. I was
astonished to see her in a worse condition after the prayers I had
offered for her, and I asked "Haven't my prayers helped
you?" She answered that my prayers had not helped her and
that nothing would help her. I said to her, "And the prayers
which the whole community have offered for you, have they not been
any help to you?" She said no that these prayers had helped
some other souls. I replied, "If my prayers are not helping
you Sister, please stop coming to me." She disappeared at
once. Despite this, I kept on praying.
After sometime she came back to me during the night, but already
her appearance had changed. There were no longer any flames, as
there had been before, and her face was radiant, her eyes beaming
with joy. She told me that I had a true love of neighbor and that
many other souls had profited from my prayers. She urged me not to
cease praying for the souls in purgatory, and she added that she
herself would not remain there much longer. How astounding are the
decrees of God!
1933: On one occasion I heard these words in my soul, "Make
a novena for your country. This novena will consist of the
recitation of the Litany of the Saints. Ask your confessor for
permission." (probably Father
Sopocko or Father Endures).
I received permission at my next confession and began the novena
that very evening. Towards the end of the litany I saw a great
radiance and, in the midst of it, God the Father. Between this
radiance and the earth I saw Jesus, nailed to the Cross in such a
way that when God wanted to look at the earth, He had to look
through the wounds of Jesus. And I understood that it was for the
sake of Jesus that God blesses the earth.

O Jesus, I thank you for this great grace; namely, that You
yourself have deigned to choose a confessor for me, and that You
had made him known to me in a vision even before I had met him
(Father Sopocko). When I went to confession to Father Endures, I
thought that I would be released from following these interior
inspirations. Father replied that he could not dispense me from
this, "but pray, Sister, that you be given a Spiritual
director."
After a short but fervent prayer, I saw Father Sopocko for a
second time, in our chapel, between the confessional and the
altar. I was in Krakow at that time. These two visions bolstered
up my spirit, all the more when I found him to be just s I had
seen him in the visions, once at Warsaw during my third probation,
and a second time at Krakow. O Jesus, I thank You for this great
gift! And now when I hear people sometimes say that they have no
confessor; that is to say a director, fear takes hold of me,
because I know very well how much harm I myself experienced when I
did not have this help. It is so easy to go astray when one has no
guide!
O life so dull and monotonous, how many treasure you contain! When
I look at everything with the eyes of faith, no two hours are
alike, and the dullness and monotony disappear. The grace which is
given me in this hour will not be repeated in the next. It may be
given me again, but it will not be the same grace. Time goes on,
never to return again. Whatever is enclosed in it will never
change; it seals with a seal for eternity.
Father Sopocko must be well loved by God. I say this because I
myself have experienced how much God defends him at certain
points. I say this because I myself have experienced how much God
defends him at certain moments. When I see this, I rejoice greatly
that God has such chosen ones.
1929. The Trip to Calvary. When I came to Vilnius for two months
to replace a sister who had gone for her the third probation
(Sister Peter, who worked in the kitchen), I stayed a little
longer than two months. One day, the Mother Superior (Irene)
wanting to give me a bit of pleasure, gave me permission to go
together with another sister, to Calvary to "walk the
paths", as they say. I was delighted. Although it was not
very far, it was Mother Superior's wish that we should go by boat.
That evening Jesus said to me, "I
want you to stay home". I
answered, everything is ready for us to leave tomorrow morning;
what am I to do now?" The Lord answered, "This
trip will be harmful to your soul." I
replied to Jesus, "You can find away out. Arrange things in
such away that Your will may be done." At that moment the
bell announced the time for sleep. I gave Jesus a parting glance
and went to my cell.
Next morning the weather was beautiful, and my companion was
filled with joy at the prospect of the great pleasure we would
have in getting to see everything. But as for me, I was sure we
would not go, even though there were no obstacles so far.
We were to receive Holy Communion earlier and leave right after
the thanksgiving. But during the time of Communion, all of a
sudden, the weather changed. Clouds covered the sky, and the rain
came down in torrents. Everyone was astounded at such a sudden
change in the weather.
Mother Superior said to me, "I am so sorry you cannot go,
Sisters! I answered, "Dear Mother, it doesn't really matter
that we cannot go; it was God's will that we stay home".
However know one knew that it was Jesus' express desire that I
stay home. I spent the whole day in recollection and meditation,
thanking the Lord for having kept me home. That day, God granted
me many heavenly consolations.
One time during the novitiate, when Mother Directness sent me to
work in the wards' kitchen, I was very upset because I could not
manage the pots, which were very large. The most difficult task
for me was draining the potatoes, and sometimes I spilt half of
them with the water. When I told this to Mother Directness, she
said that with time I would get used to it and gain the necessary
skill. But the task was not getting any easier, as I was growing
weaker every day. So I would move away when it was time to drain
the potatoes. The sisters noted that I avoided this task and were
very much surprised. They did not know that I could not help in
spite of all my willingness to do this and not spare myself. At
noon, during the examination of conscience, I complained to God
about my weakness. Then I heard the following words in my soul. "From
today on you will do this easily; I shall strengthen you."
That evening, when the time came to
drain off the water from the potatoes, I hurried to be the first
to do it, trusting in the Lord's words. I took up the pot with
ease and poured off the water perfectly. But when I took off the
cover to let the potatoes steam off, I saw there in the pot, in
the place of the potatoes, whole bunches of red roses, beautiful
beyond description. I had never seen such roses before. Greatly
astonished and unable to understand the meaning of this, I heard a
voice within me saying, "I change
such hard work of yours into bouquets of most beautiful flowers,
and their perfume rises up to My throne." From
then on I have tried to drain the potatoes myself, not only during
my week when it was my turn to cook, but also in replacement of
other sisters when it was their turn. And not only do I do this,
but I try to be the first to help in any other burdensome task,
because I have experienced how much this pleases God.
O inexhaustible treasure of purity of intention which makes all
our actions perfect and so pleasing to God!
O Jesus, You know how weak I am; be then ever with me; guide my
actions and my whole being, You who are my very best Teacher!
Truly Jesus, I become frightened when I look at my own misery, but
at the same time I am reassured by Your unfathomable mercy, which
exceeds my misery by the measure of all eternity. This disposition
of soul clothes me in Your power. O joy that flows from the
knowledge of one's self! O unchanging Truth, Your constancy is
everlasting!

When I fell sick (probably the beginning of consumption) after my
first vows and when despite the kind and solicitous care of my
Superiors and the efforts of the doctor, I felt neither better nor
worse, remarks began to reach my ears which inferred that I was
making believe. With that, my suffering was doubled, and this
lasted for quite a long time. One day I complained to Jesus that I
was being a burden to the sisters. Jesus answered me, "You
are not living for yourself but for souls, and other souls will
profit from your sufferings. Your prolonged suffering will give
them the light and strength to accept My will."
The heaviest suffering for me was
that it seemed to me that neither my prayers nor my good works
were pleasing to God. I did not dare lift up my eyes to heaven.
This caused me such great suffering during the community exercises
in the chapel that one day Mother Superior (Raphael) called me
aside after the exercises and said to me, "Sister, ask God
for grace and for consolation, because I can see for myself and
the sisters keep telling me that the very sight of you evokes
pity. I really do not know what to do with you Sister. I command
you to stop tormenting yourself for no reason."
But all these conferences with Mother Superior brought me no
relief, nor did they clarify anything for me. Rather, even greater
darkness hid God from me. I looked for help in the confessional,
but not even there did I find it. A saintly priest wanted to help
me, but I was so miserable that I couldn't even define my trouble,
and that vexed me even more. A deathly sadness penetrated my soul
to such an extent that I was unable to hide it, and it was
apparent to those around me. I lost hope. The night was growing
darker and darker. The priest to whom I went to confession said to
me, "I see very special graces in you, Sister, and I am not
worried about you at all; why are you torturing yourself in this
way?" But at that time what he was saying and was extremely
surprised when, by the way of penance, I was ordered to say the
Tea Deem or the Magnificat, or to run fast around the garden in
the evening, or else to laugh out loud ten times a day. These
penances were very surprising to me; but even with that the priest
was not able to give me much help. Evidently, God wanted me to
give Him glory through suffering.
That priest consoled me, saying that in my present situation I was
more pleasing to God than if I were filled with the greatest
consolations. "It is a very great grace Sister" he told
me, "that in your present condition, with all the torments of
soul you are experiencing, you not only do not offend God, but you
even try to practice virtues. I am looking into your soul, and I
see God's great plans and special graces there; and seeing this I
give thanks to the Lord". But despite all that, my soul was
in a state of torture; and in the midst of unspeakable torments, I
imitated the blind man who entrusts himself to his guide, holding
his hand firmly, not giving up obedience for a single moment, and
this was my only safety in this field of trial.
O Jesus, eternal Truth, strengthens my feeble forces; You can do
all things, Lord. I know that without You all my efforts are in
vain. O Jesus, do not hide from me, for I cannot live without You.
Listen to the cry of my soul. Your mercy has not been exhausted,
Lord, so have pity on my misery. Your mercy surpasses the
understanding of all Angels and people put together; and so,
although it seems to me that You do not hear me, I put my trust in
the ocean of Your mercy, and I know that my hope will not be
deceived.
Only Jesus knows how burdensome and difficult it is to accomplish
one's duties when the soul is so interiorly tortured, the physical
powers so weakened and the mind darkened. In the silence of my
heart I kept saying to myself, "O Christ, may delights, honor
and glory be Yours, and suffering be mine. I will not lag one step
behind as I follow You, though thorns wound my feet."
I was sent for treatment to our house in Plonk, and there I had
the privilege of decorating the chapel with flowers. That was at
Billowy. Sister Thecia did not always have time for this, so I
often decorated the chapel by myself. One day I had picked the
prettiest roses to decorate the room of a certain person. When I
was approaching the porch, I saw Jesus standing there. In a kindly
way He asked me My daughter, to whom
are you taking these flowers?" My
silence was my reply to the Lord, because I recognized immediately
that I had a very subtle attachment to this person, which I had
not noticed before. Suddenly Jesus disappeared. At the same moment
I threw the flowers on the ground and went before the Blessed
Sacrament, my heart filled with gratitude for the grace of knowing
myself.
O Divine Sun, in Your rays the soul sees the tiniest specks of
dust which displease You.

O Jesus, eternal Truth, our Life, I call upon You and I beg Your
mercy for poor sinners. O Most Sacred Heart, Fount of Mercy from
which gush forth rays of inconceivable graces upon the entire
human race, I beg of You light for poor sinners. O Jesus, be
mindful of Your own bitter Passion and do not permit the loss of
souls redeemed at so dear a price of Your most Precious Blood. O
Jesus, when I consider the great price of Your Blood, I rejoice at
its immensity, for one drop alone would have been enough for the
salvation of all sinners. Although sin is an abyss of wickedness
and ingratitude, the price paid for us can never be equaled.
Therefore let every soul trust in the Passion of the Lord, and
place its hope in His mercy. God will not deny His mercy to
anyone. Heaven and earth may change, but God's mercy will never be
exhausted. Oh, what immense joy burns in my heart when I
contemplate Your incomprehensible goodness, O Jesus! I desire to
bring all sinners to Your feet that they may glorify Your mercy
throughout endless ages.
O my Jesus, despite the deep night that is all around me and the
dark clouds which hide the horizon, I know that the sun never goes
out.
O Lord, though I cannot comprehend You and do not understand Your
ways, I nonetheless trust in Your mercy. If it is Your will, Lord,
that I live always in such darkness, may You be blessed. I ask You
only one thing, Jesus: do not allow me to offend You in anyway. O
my Jesus, You alone know the longings and the sufferings of my
heart. I am glad I can suffer for You, however little. When I feel
that the suffering is more than I can bear, I take refuge in the
Lord in the Blessed Sacrament, and I speak to Him with profound
silence.
The Confession of One of Our Wards.
One day I felt driven to take steps to see to it that the Feast of
Mercy be instituted and the image of the Merciful Jesus be
painted, and I could find no peace. Something was pervading my
whole being, and yet I feared being deluded. However, these doubts
always came from outside, because in the depths of my soul I felt
it was the Lord who was penetrating my being. The priest to whom I
was going to confession at that time told me that one can often
have illusions, and I felt he was somewhat afraid to hear my
confession. This was a torture for me. Seeing that I was getting
very little help from people, I turned all the more to Jesus, the
best of all teachers. At one time, when I was filled with doubts
as to whether the voice I heard came from the Lord or not, I began
to speak to Jesus interiorly without forming any words. Suddenly
an inner force took hold of me and I said, "If You who
commune with me and talk to me are truly my God, I beg You, O
Lord, to make this ward go this very day to confession; this sign
will give me reassurance". At that very moment this girl
asked to go to confession.
The Mother in charge of the class was surprised at this sudden
change in her, but she undertook to call a priest immediately, and
this person made her confession with great compunction. At the
same time, I heard a voice within Me say "Do
you believe Me now?" And once
again a strange power pervaded my soul, strengthening and
reassuring me to such a degree that I myself was surprised that I
had allowed myself to doubt even for a moment.
But these doubts always come from without, a fact which inclined
me to close myself up more and more within myself. When, during
confession, I sense uncertainty on the part of the priest, I do
not open my soul to its depths, but only accuse myself of my sins.
A priest who is not at peace with himself will not be able to
inspire peace in another soul.
O priests, you bright candles enlightening human souls, let your
brightness never be dimmed. I understood that at that time it was
not God's will that I uncover my soul completely. Later on, God
did give me this grace.
O my Jesus, direct my mind, take possession of my whole being,
enclose me in the depths of Your heart, and protect me against the
assaults of the enemy. My only hope is in You. Speak through my
mouth when I wretchedness itself, find myself with the mighty and
wise, so that they will know that this undertaking is Yours and
comes from You.
Darkness and Temptations.
My mind became dimmed in a strange way; no truth seemed clear to
me. When people spoke to me about God, my heart was like a rock. I
could not draw from it a single sentiment of love for Him. When I
tried, by an act of the will, to remain close to Him, I
experienced great torments, and it seemed to me that I was only
provoking God to an even greater anger. It was absolutely
impossible for me to meditate as I had been accustomed to do in
the past. I felt in my soul a great void, and there was nothing
with which I could fill it. I began to suffer from a great hunger
and yearning for God, but I saw my utter powerlessness. I tried to
read slowly, sentence by sentence, and to meditate in this way,
but this also was of no avail. I understood nothing of what I had
read.
The abyss of my misery was constantly before my eyes. Every time I
entered the chapel for some spiritual exercise, I experienced even
worse torments and temptations. More than once, all through Holy
Mass, I had to struggle against blasphemous thoughts which were
forcing themselves to my lips. I felt an aversion for the Holy
Sacraments, and it seemed to me that I was not profiting from them
in any way. It was only out of obedience to my confessor that I
frequented them, and this blind obedience was for me the only path
I could follow and my very last hope of survival. The priest
explained to me that these were trials sent by God and that, in
the situation I was in, not only was I not offending God, but I
was most pleasing to Him. "This is a sign" he told me,
"that God loves you very much and that He has great
confidence in you, since He is sending you such trials". But
these words brought me no comfort; it seemed to me that they did
not apply to me at all.
One thing did surprise me; it often happened that, at the time
when I was suffering greatly, these terrible torments would
disappear suddenly just as I was approaching the confessional; but
as soon as I had left the confessional, all these torments would
again seize me with even greater ferocity. I would then fall on my
face before the Blessed Sacrament repeating these words:
"Even if You kill me, still will I trust in You!" (if
Job 13:15). It seemed to me that I would die in these agonies. But
the most terrible thought for me was the conviction that I had
been rejected by God. Then other thoughts came to me: why strive
to acquire virtues and do good works? Why mortify and annihilate
yourself? What good is it to take vows? To pray? To sacrifice and
immolate yourself? Why sacrifice myself all the time? What good is
it - if I am already rejected by God? Why all these efforts? And
here, God alone knew what was going on in my heart.

Once when I was being crushed by these dreadful sufferings, I went
into the chapel and said from the bottom of my soul, "Do what
You will with me, O Jesus; I will adore You in everything. May
Your will be done in me, O my Lord and my God, and I will praise
Your infinite mercy." Through this act of submission, these
terrible torments left me. Suddenly I saw Jesus, who said to me, "I
am always in your heart". An
inconceivable joy entered my soul, and a great love of God set my
heart aflame. I see that God never tries us beyond what we are
able to suffer. Oh, I fear nothing; if God sends such great
suffering to a soul, He upholds it with an even greater grace,
although we are not aware of it. One act of trust at such moments
gives greater glory to God than whole hours passed in prayer
filled with consolations. Now I see that if God wants to keep a
soul in darkness, no book, no confessor can bring it to light.
O Mary, my Mother and my Lady, I offer You my soul, my body, my
life and my death, and all that will follow it. I place everything
in your hands. O my Mother, cover me with Your virginal mantle and
grant me the grace of purity of heart, soul and body. Defend me
with Your power against all enemies, and especially against those
who hide their malice behind the mask of virtue. O lovely lily!
You are for me a mirror, O my Mother!
O Jesus, Divine Prisoner of Love, when I consider Your love and
how You emptied Yourself for me, my senses fail me. You hide Your
inconceivable majesty and lower Yourself to miserable me. O King
of Glory, though You hide Your beauty, yet the eye of my soul
rends the veil. I see the angelic choirs giving You honor without
cease, and all the heavenly Powers praising You without cease, and
without cease they are saying: "Holy, Holy, Holy."
Oh who will comprehend Your love and Your unfathomable mercy
towards us! O Prisoner of Love, I lock up my poor heart in this
tabernacle, that it may adore You without cease night and day. I
know of no obstacle in this adoration, and even though I be
physically distant, my heart is always with You. Nothing can put a
stop to my love for You. No obstacles exist for me. O my Jesus, I
will console You for all the ingratitude, the blasphemies, the
coldness, the hatred of the wicked, the sacrileges. O Jesus, I
want to burn as a pure offering and to be consumed before the
throne of Your headiness. I plead with You unceasingly for poor
dying sinners.
O Holy Trinity, One and Indivisible God, may You be blessed for
this great gift and testament of mercy. My Jesus, to atone for
blasphemers I will keep silent when unjustly reprimanded and in
this way make partial amends to You. I am singing within my soul
an unending hymn to You, and no one will suspect or understand
this. The song of my soul is known to You alone, O my Creator and
Lord!
I will not allow myself to be so absorbed in the whirlwind of work
as to forget about God. I will spend all my free moments at the
feet of the Master hidden in the Blessed Sacrament. He has been
tutoring me from my most tender years.
"Write this: before I come as the
just Judge, I am coming first as the King of Mercy. Before the day
of justice arrives, there will be given to people a sign in the
heavens of this sort.
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