Divine Mercy Diary - Notebook 1 (Page 2 of 3)
Preface | Introduction
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Divine Mercy
In my soul

The Diary
of the Servant of God
Sister M. Faustina Kowalska

Perpetually Professed member
of the
Congregation of Sisters of
Our Lady of Mercy

NOTEBOOK I
Page 2

During the third probation, the Lord gave me to understand that I should offer myself to Him so that He could do with me as He pleased. I was to remain standing before Him as a victim offering. At first, I was quite frightened, as I felt myself to be so utterly miserable and knew very well that this was the case. I answered the Lord once again, "I am misery itself; how can I be a hostage (for others)? "You do not understand this today. Tomorrow, during your adoration, I will make it known to you". My heart trembled, as did my soul, so deeply did these words sink into my soul. The words of God is living.

When I came to the adoration, I felt within my soul that I had entered the temple of the living God, whose majesty is great and incomprehensible. And He made known to me what even the purest spirits are in His sight. Although I saw nothing externally, God's presence pervaded me. At that very moment my intellect was strangely illumined. A vision passed before the eyes of my soul; it was like the vision Jesus had in the Garden of Olives. First, the physical sufferings and all the circumstances that would increase them; (then) the full scope of the spiritual sufferings and these that no one would know about. Everything entered into the vision: false suspicions, loss of good name. I've summarized it here, but this knowledge was already so clear that what I went through later on was in no way different from what I had known at that moment. My name is to be 'sacrifice'.

When the vision ended, a cold sweat bathed my forehead. Jesus made it known to me that, even if I did not give my consent to this, I could still be saved; and He would not lessen His graces, but would still continue to have the same intimate relationship with me, so that even if I did not consent to make this sacrifice, God's generosity would not lesson thereby.

And the Lord gave me to know that the whole mystery depended on me, on my free consent to the sacrifice given with full use of my faculties. In this free and conscious act lies the whole power and value before His Majesty. Even if none of these things for which I offered myself would never happen to me, before the Lord everything was as though it had already been consummated.

At that moment, I realized I was entering into communion with the incomprehensible Majesty. I felt that God was waiting for my word, for my consent. Then my spirit immersed itself in the Lord, and I said, "Do with me as You please. I subject myself to Your will. as of today, Your holy will shall be nourishment, and I will be faithful to Your commands with the help of Your grace. Do with me as You please. I beg You, O Lord, be with me at every moment of my life."

Suddenly, when I had consented to the sacrifice with all my heart and all my will, God's presence pervaded me. My soul became immersed in God and was inundated with such happiness that I cannot put in writing even the smallest part of it. I felt that His Majesty was enveloping me. I was extraordinarily fed with God. I saw that God was well pleased with me and, reciprocally, my spirit drowned itself in Him. Aware of this union with God, I felt I was especially loved and, in turn, I loved with all my soul. A great mystery took place during that adoration, a mystery between the Lord and myself. It seemed to me that I would die of love (at the sight of) His glance. I spoke much with the Lord without uttering a single word. And the Lord said to me, "You are the delight of My Heart; from today on, everyone of your acts, even the very smallest, will be a delight to My eyes, whatever you do". At that moment I felt transconsecrated. My earthly body was the same, but my soul was different; God was now living in it with totality of His delight. This is not a feeling, but a conscious reality that nothing can obscure.

A great mystery has been accomplished between God and me. Courage and strength have remained in my soul. When the time of adoration came to an end, I came out and calmly faced everything I had feared, so much before. When I came out into the corridor, a great suffering and humiliation, at the hands of a certain person, was awaiting me. I accepted it with submission to a higher will and snuggled closely to the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, letting Him know that I was ready for that for which I had offered myself.


Suffering seemed to spring out of the ground. Even Mother Margaret herself was surprised. For others, many things passed unnoticed, for indeed it wasn't worth paying any attention to them; but in my case, nothing passed unnoticed; each word was analyzed, each step watched. One sister said to me, "Get ready Sister, to receive a small cross at the hands of Mother Superior. I feel sorry for you". But as for me, I rejoiced at this in the depths of my soul and had been ready for it for a long time. When she saw my courage, she was surprised. I see now that a soul cannot do much of itself, but with God it can do all things. Behold what God's grace can do. Few are the souls that are always watchful for divine graces, and even fewer of such souls who follow those inspirations faithfully.

Still, a soul which is faithful to God cannot confirm its own inspirations and those of God, it should nevertheless be careful, because many things are uncertain. God is pleased and rejoices when a soul distrusts Him for His sake; because it loves Him, it is prudent and itself asks and searches for help to make certain that it is really God who is acting within it. And once a well - instructed confessor has confirmed this, the soul should be at peace and give itself up to God, according to His directions; that is, according to the directions of the confessor.

Pure love is capable of great deeds, and it is not broken by difficulty or adversity. As it remains strong in the midst of great difficulties, so too it perseveres in the toilsome and drab life of each day. It knows that only one thing is needed to please God: to do even the smallest thing out of great love - love, and always love.

Pure love never errs. Its light is strangely plentiful. It will not do anything that might displease God. It is ingenious at doing what is more pleasing to God, and no one will equal it. It is happy when it can empty itself and burn like a pure offering. The more it gives of itself, the happier it is. But also, no one can sense dangers from afar as can love; it knows how to unmask and also knows with whom it has to deal.

But my torments are coming to an end. The Lord is giving me the promised help. I can see it in two priests; namely Father Endures and Father Sopocko. During the retreat before my perpetual vows, I was set completely at peace for the first time (by Father Endures), and afterwards I was led in the same direction by Father Sopocko. This was the fulfillment of the Lord's promise.

When I was set at peace and taught how to follow God's paths, my spirit rejoiced in the Lord, and it seemed to me that I was running, not walking. My wings were spread for flight; I soared into the very heat of the sun, and I will not descend until I rest in Him, in whom my soul has lost itself forever. And I subjected myself totally to the action of grace. God stoops very low to my soul. I do not draw back, nor do I resist Him, but I lose myself in Him as my only treasure. I am one with the Lord. It is as if the gulf between us, Creator and creature, disappears. For a few days, my soul was in a state of continuous ecstasy. God's presence did not leave me for a single moment. And my soul remained in a continuous loving union with the Lord. But this in no way interfered with the performance of my duties. I felt I was transformed into love; I was all afire, but without being burned up. I lost myself in God unceasingly; God drew me to himself so strongly and powerfully that sometimes I was not aware of being on earth. I had impeded and feared God's grace for so long, and now God himself, through Father Endures has removed all difficulties. My spirit has been turned towards the Sun and has blossomed in His rays for Him alone; I understand no more...
(The sentence breaks off here and begins a completely new thought in the next line)

I have wasted many of God's graces because I was always afraid of being deluded. God drew me to himself so powerfully that often it was not in my power to resist his grace when I was suddenly immersed in him. At these moments, Jesus filled me with such great peace that, later on, even when I tried to become uneasy, I could not do so. And then, I heard these words in my soul: "In order that you may be assured that it is I who am demanding all these things of you, I will give you such profound peace that even if you wanted to feel troubled and frightened, it would not be in your power to do so today, but love will flood your soul to the point of self-oblivion."

Later Jesus gave me another priest (Father Sopocko), before whom He ordered me to reveal my soul. At first I did so with a bit hesitation, but a severe reprimand from Jesus brought about a deep humility within my soul. Under his direction, my soul made quick progress in the love of God, and many wishes of the Lord were carried out externally. Many a time have I been astounded at his courage and his profound humility.


Oh, how wretched my soul is for having wasted so many graces! I was running away from God, and He pursued me with his graces. I most often experienced God's graces when I least expected them. From the moment He gave me a spiritual director, I have been more faithful to grace. Thanks to the director and his watchfulness over my soul, I have learned what guidance means and how Jesus looks at it. Jesus warned me of the least faults and stressed that He himself judges the matter that I present to my confessor; and (He told me) that... "any transgressions against the confessor touch Me myself."

When under this direction my soul began to experience deep recollection and peace, I often heard these words in my soul: "Strengthen yourself for combat" - repeated over and over at various times.

Jesus often makes known to me what He does not like in my soul, and He has more than once rebuked me for what seemed to trifles, but which were, in fact things of great importance. He has warned me and tried me like a Master. For many years He himself educated me, until the moment when He gave me a spiritual director. Previously, He himself had made clear to me what I did not understand; but now, He tells me to ask my confessor about everything and often says, "I will answer you through his mouth. Be at peace." It has never happened to me that I have received an answer which was contrary to what the Lord wanted of me, when I presented it to the spiritual director (Father Sopocko). It sometimes happens that Jesus first asks certain things of me, about which no one knows anything, and then, when I kneel at the confessional, my confessor gives me the same order - however, this is infrequent.

When, over a long period of time, a soul has received much light and many inspirations, and when these confessors have confirmed the source of these inspirations and set the soul at peace; if its love is great, Jesus now makes it known that it is time to put into action what is has received. The soul recognizes that God is counting on it, and this knowledge fortifies it. It knows to be faithful it will often have to face various difficulties, but it trusts in God and, thanks to this trust, it reaches that point to which God is calling it. Difficulties do not terrify it; they are its daily bread, as it were. They do not frighten or terrify the soul, just as a warrior who is constantly in battle is not terrified by the roar of the cannon. Far from being frightened, it listens to determine from which side the enemy is launching his attack, in order to defeat him. It does nothing blindly, but examines and ponders everything deeply and, not counting on itself, it prays fervently and asks advice of other warriors who are experienced and wise. When the soul acts in this way, it nearly always wins.

These are attacks when a soul has no time to think or seek advice; then it must enter into a life - or - death struggle. Sometimes it is good to flee for cover in the wound of the Heart of Jesus, without answering a single word. By this very act the enemy is already defeated.

In time of peace, as well, the soul continues making efforts, just as in time of battle. It must exercise itself, and do so with energy; otherwise it has no chance of attaining victory. I regard the time of peace as a time of preparation for victory. The soul that reflects receives much light. A distracted soul runs the risk of falling, and let it not be surprised when it does fall. O Spirit of God, Director of the soul, wise is he whom You have trained! But for the Spirit of God to act in the soul, peace and recollection are needed.

Prayer - A soul arms itself with prayer for all kinds of combat. In whatever state the soul may be, it ought to pray. A soul which is pure and beautiful must pray, or else it will lose its beauty; a soul which is striving after this purity must pray, or else it will never attain it; a soul which is newly converted must pray, or else it will fall again; a sinful soul plunged in sins, must pray so that it might rise again. There is no soul which is not bound to pray, for every single grace comes to the soul through prayer.

I recall that I have received most light during adoration which I made lying prostrate before the Blessed Sacrament for half an hour every day throughout Lent. During that time I came to know myself and God more profoundly. And yet, even though I had the superiors permission to do so, I encountered many obstacles in praying in such away. Let the soul be aware that, in order to pray and persevere in prayer, one must arm oneself with patience and cope bravely with exterior and interior difficulties. The interior difficulties are discouragement, dryness, heaviness of spirit and temptations. The exterior difficulties are human respect and time; one must observe the time set apart for prayer. This has been my personal experience because, when I did not pray at the time assigned for prayer, later on I could not do my duties; or if I did manage to do so, this was only with great difficulty, because my thoughts kept wandering off to my duties. I also experienced this difficulty: when a soul has prayed well and left prayer in a state of profound interior recollection, others resist its recollection; and so, the soul must be patient to persevere in prayer. It often happened to me that when my soul was more deeply immersed in God, and I had derived greater fruit from prayer, and God's presence accompanied through the day, and at work there was more recollection and greater precision and effort at my duty, this was precisely when I received the most rebukes for being negligent in my duty and indifferent to everything; because less recollected souls want others to be like them, for they are a constant (source of) remorse to them.

A noble and delicate soul, even the most simple, but one of delicate sensibilities, sees God in everything, finds Him everywhere, and knows how to find Him in even the most hidden things. It finds all things important, it highly appreciates all things, it thanks God for all things, it draws profit for the soul from all things, and it gives all glory to God. It places its trust in God and is not confused when the time of ordeals comes. It knows that God is always the best of Fathers and makes little of human opinion. It follows faithfully the faintest breath of the Holy Spirit; it rejoices in this Spiritual Guest and holds onto Him like a child to its mother. Where other souls come to a standstill and fear, this soul passes on without fear of difficulty.

When the Lord himself wants to be close to a soul and to lead it, He will remove everything that is external. When I fell ill and was taken to the infirmary, I suffered much unpleasantness because of this. There were two of us sick in the infirmary. Sisters would come to see Sister N., but no one came to visit me. It is true that there was only one infirmary, but each one had her own cell. The winter nights were long, and Sister N. had the light and the radio headphones, while I could not even prepare my meditation for lack of light.


When nearly two weeks had passed in this way, I complained to the Lord one evening that I was suffering so much and that I couldn't even prepare my meditation because there was no light. And the Lord said that He would come every evening and give me the points for the next day's meditation. These points always concerned His Sorrowful Passion. He would say, "Consider My sufferings before Pilate." And thus, point by point, I meditated upon His sorrowful Passion for one week. From that moment, a great joy entered my soul, and I no longer wanted either the visitors or the light; Jesus sufficed me for everything. The superiors were indeed very solicitous for the sick, but the Lord ordained that I should feel forsaken. The best masters withdraws very created thing in order that He himself might act. Many a time, I have experienced such sufferings and persecutions that Mother M (probably Mother Margaret) herself said to me, "Sister, along your path, sufferings just spring up out of the ground. I look upon you, Sister, as one crucified. But I can see that Jesus has a hand in this. Be faithful to the Lord."

I want to write down a dream that I had about Saint Theresa of the Child Jesus. I was still a novice at the time and was going through some difficulties which I did not know how to overcome. They were interior difficulties connected with exterior ones. I made novenas to various Saints, but the situation grew more and more difficult. The sufferings it caused me were so great that I did not know how to go on living, but suddenly the thought occurred to me that I should pray to Saint Theresa of the Child Jesus. I started a novena to this Saint, because before entering the convent I had, had a great devotion to her. Lately I had somewhat neglected this devotion, but in my need I began again to pray with great fervor.

On the fifth day of the novena, I dreamed of Saint Theresa, but it was as if she was still living on earth. She hid from me the fact that she was a saint and began to comfort me, saying that I should not be worried about this matter, but should trust more in God. She said, "I suffered greatly too," but I did not quite believe her and said, "It seems to me that you have not suffered at all". But Saint Theresa answered me in a convincing manner that she had suffered very much indeed and said to me, "Sister, know that in three days the difficulties will come to a happy conclusion." When I was not very willing to believe her, she revealed to me that she was a saint. At that moment, a great joy filled my soul, and I said to her, "You are a saint?" "Yes," she answered, "I am a saint. Trust that this matter will be resolved in three days." And I said, "Dear sweet Theresa, tell me, shall I go to heaven?" And she answered, "Yes, you will go to heaven, Sister." "And will I be a saint?" To which she replied, "Yes, you will be a saint". "But, little Theresa, shall I be a saint as you are, raised to the altar?" And she answered, "Yes, you will be a saint just as I am, but you must trust in the Lord Jesus." I then asked her if my mother and father would go to heaven, will (unfinished sentence). And she replied that they would. I further asked, "And will me brothers and sisters go to heaven?" She told me to pray hard for them, but gave me no definite answer. I understood that they were in need of much prayer.

This was a dream. And as the proverb goes, dreams are phantoms; God is faith. Nevertheless, three days later the difficulty was solved very easily, just as she had said. And everything in this affair turned out exactly as she said it would. It was a dream, but it had its significance.

Once, when I was in the kitchen with Sister N., she got a little upset with me and, as a punishment, ordered me to sit on the table while she herself continued to work hard, cleansing and scrubbing. And while I was sitting there, the sisters came along and were astounded to find me sitting on the table, and each one had her say. One said that I was a loafer and another, "What an eccentric!" I was a postulant at the time. Others said, "What kind of of a sister will she make?" Still, I could not get down because sister had ordered me to sit there by virtue of obedience until she told me to get down. Truly, God alone knows how many acts of self denial it took. I thought I'd die of shame. God often allowed such things for the sake of my inner formation, but He compensated me for this humiliation by a great consolation. During Benediction I saw Him in great beauty. Jesus looked at me kindly and said, "My daughter, do not be afraid of sufferings; I am with you."

Once, I had night duty, and I was suffering greatly in spirit because of the painting of the image, and I no longer knew which way to turn because they were constantly trying to convince me that the whole thing was an illusion. On the other hand, one priest said that perhaps God wanted to be worshiped through this image and therefore I ought to try and get it painted. Meanwhile, my soul was becoming extremely exhausted. When I entered the little chapel, I brought my head close to the tabernacle, knocked and said, "Jesus, look at the great difficulties I am having because of the painting of this image". And I heard a voice from the tabernacle, "My daughter, your sufferings will not last much longer."


One day, I saw two roads. One was broad, covered with sand and flowers, full of joy, music and all sorts of pleasures. People walked along it, dancing and enjoying themselves. They reached the end without realizing it. And at the end of the road there was a horrible precipice; that is the abyss of hell. The souls fell blindly into it; as they walked, so they fell. And their number was so great that it was impossible to count them. And I saw the other road, or rather a path, for it was narrow and strewn with thorns and rocks; and the people who walked along it had tears in their eyes, and all kinds of suffering befell them. Some fell down upon the rocks, but stood up immediately and went on. At the end of the road there was a magnificent garden filled with all sorts of happiness, and all these souls entered there. At the very first instant they forgot all their sufferings.

Once, when there was adoration at the convent of the Sisters of the Holy Family, I went there in the evening with one of our sisters. As soon as I entered the chapel, the presence of God filled my soul. I prayed as I do at certain times, without saying a word. Suddenly, I saw the Lord, who said to me, "Know that if you neglect the matter of the painting of the image and the whole work of mercy, you will have to answer for a multitude of souls on the day of judgment". After these words of Our Lord, a certain fear filled my soul, and alarm took hold of me. Try as I would, I could not calm myself. These words kept resounding in my ears; So, I will not only have to answer for myself on the day of judgment, but also for the souls of others. These words cut deep into my heart. When I returned home, I went to the little Jesus, fell on my face before the Blessed Sacrament and said to the Lord, "I will do everything in my power, but I beg You to be always with me and to give me strength to do Your holy will; for You can do everything, while I can do nothing of myself."

It has happened to me for some time now that I immediately sense in my soul when someone is praying for me; and I likewise sense it in my soul when some soul asks me for prayer, even though they do not speak to me about it. The feeling is one of certain disquiet, as if someone were calling me; and when I pray I obtain peace.

Once, I desired very much to receive Holy Communion, but I had a certain doubt, and I did not go. I suffered greatly because of this. It seemed to me that my heart would burst from the pain. When I set about my work, my heart full of bitterness, Jesus suddenly stood by me and said, "My daughter, do not omit Holy Communion unless you know well that your fall was serious; apart from this, no doubt must stop you from uniting yourself with Me in the mystery of My love. Your minor faults will disappear in My love like a piece of straw thrown into a great furnace. Know that you grieve Me much when you fail to receive Me in Holy Communion."

In the evening, when I entered the small chapel, I heard these words in my soul: "My daughter, consider these words: 'And being in agony, he prayed more earnestly." When I started to think about them more deeply, much light streamed into my soul. I learned how much we need perseverance in prayer and that our salvation often depends on such difficult prayer.

When I was at Kickers (1930) to replace one of the sisters for a short time, I went across the garden one afternoon and stopped on the shore of the lake; I stood there for a long time, contemplating my surroundings. Suddenly, I saw the Lord Jesus near me, and He graciously said to me, "All this I created for you, My spouse; and know that all this beauty is nothing compared to what I have prepared for you in eternity." My soul was inundated with such consolations that I stayed there until evening, and it seemed to me like a brief moment. That was my free day, set apart for a one - day retreat, so I was quite free to devote myself to prayer. Oh, how the infinite good God pursues us with His goodness! It often happens that the Lord grants me the greatest graces when I do not at all expect them.

O Blessed Host, in golden chalice enclosed for me. That through the vast wilderness of exile. I may pass - pure, immaculate, undefiled: Oh grant that through the power of Your love this might come to be.

O Blessed Host, take up Your dwelling within my soul, O Thou my heart's purest love! With Your brilliance the darkness dispel. Refuse not Your grace to a humble heart. O Blessed Host, enchantment of all heaven, Though Your beauty be veiled, And captured in a crumb of bread, Strong faith tears away that veil.


The crusade day, which is the fifth of the month, happened to fall on the First Friday of the month. This was my day for keeping watch before the Lord Jesus. It was my duty to make amends to the Lord for all offenses and acts of disrespect and to pray that, on this day, no sacrilege be committed. This day, my spirit was set aflame with special love for the Eucharist. It seems to me that I was transformed into a blazing fire. When I was about to receive Holy Communion, a second Host fell onto the priest's sleeve, and I did not know which Host I was to receive. After I had hesitated for a moment the priest made an impatient gesture with his hand to tell me I should receive the Host. When I took the Host he gave me, the other one fell into my hands. The priest went along the altar rail to distribute Communion, and I held the Lord Jesus in my hands all that time. When the priest approached me again, I raised the Host for him to put It back in the chalice, because when I had first received Jesus I could not speak before consuming the Host in my hand, and so could not tell him that the other had fallen. But while I was holding the Host in my hand, I felt such a power of love that for the rest of the day I could neither eat nor come to my senses. I heard these words from the Host: "I desired to rest in your hands, not only in your heart." And at that moment I saw the little Jesus. But when the priest approached, I saw once again only the Host.

O Mary, Immaculate Virgin, Pure crystal for my heart, You are my strength, O sturdy anchor! You are the weak heart's shield and protection.
O Mary you are pure, of purity incomparable; At once both Virgin and Mother, You are beautiful as the sun, without blemish, And Your soul is beyond all comparison.
Your beauty has delighted the eye of the Thrice - Holy - One.
He descended from heaven, leaving His eternal throne, And took Body and Blood of Your heart, And for nine months lay hidden in a Virgin's heart.
O Mother, Virgin, purest of all lilies, Your heart was Jesus' first tabernacle on earth. Only because no humility was deeper than yours. Were You raised above the choirs of Angels and above all Saints.
O Mary, my sweet Mother, I give you my soul, my body and my poor heart. Be guardian to my life, Especially at the hour of death, in the final strife.

J.M.J Jesus I trust in You. January 1, 1937.
Chart of internal control of the soul. Particular examine - to be united with the merciful Christ. Practice; inner silence, strict observance of silence.
The Conscience
January: God and the soul; silence. Victories 41, falls 4. Exclamatory Prayer: But Jesus remained silent.
February: God and the soul; silence. Victories 36, falls 3. Exclamatory Prayer; Jesus I trust in You.
March: God and the soul; silence. Victories 51, falls 2. Exclamatory Prayer; Jesus enkindle my heart with love.
April: God and the soul; silence. Victories 61, falls 4. Exclamatory Prayer; With God I can do all things.
May: God and the soul; silence. Victories 92, falls 3. Exclamatory Prayer; In His name is my strength.
June: God and the soul; silence.Victories 64, falls 1. Exclamatory Prayer; All for Jesus.
July: God and the soul; silence. Victories 62, falls 8. Exclamatory Prayer; Jesus, rest in my heart.
August: God and the soul; silence. Victories 88, falls 7. Exclamatory Prayer; Jesus You know....
September: God and the soul; silence. Victories 99, falls 1. Exclamatory Prayer; Jesus hide me in Your Heart.
October: God and the soul; silence. Victories 41, falls 3. Exclamatory Prayer; Mary, unite me with Jesus.
November: God and the soul; silence.Victories, falls. Exclamatory Prayer; O my Jesus have mercy!
December: God and the soul; silence. Victories, falls. Exclamatory Prayer; Hail, living Host!

J.M.J The year 1937
General Exercises
O Most Holy Trinity! As many times as I breathe, as many times as my heart beats, as many times as my blood pulsates through my body, so many thousand times do I want to glorify Your mercy.
I want to be completely transformed into Your mercy and to be Your living reflection, O Lord. May the greatness of all divine attributes, that of Your unfathomable mercy, pass through my heart and soul to my neighbor.
Help me, O Lord, that my eyes may be merciful, so that I may never suspect or judge from appearances, but look for what is beautiful in my neighbors' souls and come to their rescue.
Help me, that my ears may be merciful, so that I may give heed to my neighbors' needs and not be indifferent to their pains and meanings.
Help me, O Lord, that my tongue maybe merciful, so that I should never speak negatively of my neighbor, but have a word of comfort and forgiveness for all.
Help me, O Lord, that my hands may be merciful and filled with good deeds, so that I may do only good to my neighbors and take upon myself the more difficult and toilsome tasks.
Help me, that my feet may be merciful, so that I may hurry to assist my neighbor, overcoming my own fatigue and weariness. My true rest is in the service of my neighbor.
Help me, O Lord, that my heart may be merciful so that I myself may feel all the sufferings of my neighbor. I will refuse my heart to no one. I will be sincere even with those who, I know will abuse my kindness. And I will lock myself up in the most merciful Heart of Jesus. I will bear my own sufferings in silence. May Your mercy, O Lord, rest upon me. You yourself command me to exercise the three degrees of mercy. The first: the act of mercy, of whatever kind. The second: the word of mercy - if I cannot carry out a work of mercy, I assist by my words. The third: Prayer - if I cannot show mercy by deeds or words, I can always do so by prayer. My prayer reaches out even there where I cannot reach out physically.
O my Jesus, transform me into Yourself, for You can do all things.
(four pages left blank)


JMJ Warsaw, 1933.
Probation Before Perpetual Vows

When I learned I was to go for probation, my heart beat with joy at the thought of such an immense grace, that of the perpetual vows. I went before the Blessed Sacrament; and when I immersed myself in prayer of thanksgiving, I heard these words in my soul: "My child you are My delight, you are the comfort of My Heart. I grant you as many graces as you can hold. As often as you want to make Me happy, speak to the world about My great and unfathomable mercy."

A few weeks before I was told about the probation, I entered the chapel for a moment and Jesus said to me, "At this very moment the superiors are deciding which sisters are going to take perpetual vows. Not all of them will be granted this grace, but this is their own fault. He who does not take advantage of small graces will not receive great ones. But to you, my child, this grace is being given." My soul was seized with joyful surprise, because a few days earlier one of the sisters had to me "Sister, you will not be going for a third probation. I myself will see to it that you will not be permitted to make your vows." I said nothing to the sister, but felt great pain which I tried to conceal as best as I could.

O Jesus how strange are Your ways! I now see that people can do very little on their own, for I did make my probation, as Jesus had told me.

In prayer I always find light and strength of spirit, although there are moments so trying and hurtful, that it is sometimes difficult to imagine that these can happen in a convent. Strangely, God sometimes allows them, but always in order to manifest or develop virtue in a soul. This is the reason for trials.

Today (November, 1932), I arrived in Warsaw for the third probation. After a cordial meeting with the dear Mothers, I went into the small chapel for a moment. Suddenly God's Presence filled my soul, and I heard these words, "My daughter, I desire that your heart be formed after the model of My merciful Heart. You must be completely imbued with My mercy".

Dear Mother Directness (Margaret) at once asked me whether I had had a retreat that year and I said no. "Then you must first have a retreat of at least three days".

Thanks be to God there was at Walendow an eight - day retreat in which I could take part. But difficulties arose in regard to my leaving for this retreat. A certain person opposed my going very much, and it already (appeared that) I was not to go. After dinner, I went into the chapel for a five - minute adoration. Suddenly I saw the Lord Jesus, who said to me, "My daughter, I am preparing many graces for you, which you will receive during this retreat which you will begin tomorrow." I answered "Jesus, the retreat has already begun, and I am not supposed to go". And He said to me, "Get ready for it, because you will begin the retreat tomorrow. And as for your departure, I will arrange that with the superiors." And in an instant, Jesus disappeared.

I began to wonder how this was going to happen. But after a moment I rejected all such thoughts and devoted the time I had to prayer, begging the Holy Spirit for light to see the whole misery that I am. After a short while, I left the little chapel to go about my duties. Soon Mother General (Michael) called me and said "Sister, you will go to Walendow today with Mother Valerie so that you can start the retreat tomorrow. Fortunately, Mother Valerie happens to be here and you can go together." Within two hours I was already in Walendow. I reflected for a moment within myself and recognized that only Jesus can arrange things in such a way.

When the person who so strongly opposed my participation in the retreat saw me, she showed surprise and dissatisfaction. Paying no heed to this, I greeted her affectionately and went to visit the Lord, in order to learn how I should conduct myself during the retreat.

My conversation with the Lord Jesus before the retreat. Jesus told me that this retreat would be a little different from others, "You shall strive to maintain a profound peace in respect to your communing with Me. I will remove all doubts in this regard. I know that you are at peace now as as I speak to you, but the moment I stop talking you will start looking for doubts. But I want you to know that I will affirm your soul to such a degree that even if you wanted to be troubled, it will not be within your power. And as a proof that it is I who am speaking to you, you will go to confession on the second day of the retreat to the priest who is preaching the retreat; you will go to him as soon as he has finished his conference and will present to Him all your doubts concerning Me. I will answer you through his lips, and then your fears will end. During this retreat, observe such strict silence that it will be as though nothing exists around you. You shall speak only to Me and to your confessor; you will ask your superiors only for penances." I felt immense joy that the Lord would show me such kindness and lower himself so much for my sake.


The first day of the retreat I tried to be the first in the chapel in the morning; before the meditation I had a bit of time for prayer to the Holy Spirit and to Our Lady. I earnestly begged the Mother of God to obtain for me the grace of fidelity to these inner inspirations and of faithfully carrying out God's will, whatever it might be. I began this retreat with a very special kind of courage.

Struggle to keep silence. As usual, sisters from various houses came to the retreat. One of the sisters whom I had not seen for a long time, came to my cell and said she had something to tell me. I did not answer her, and she saw that I did not want to break silence. She said to me, "I didn't know you were such an eccentric, sister," and she went away. I was well aware that she had no other business with me that to satisfy her own curious self love. O God, preserve me in faithfulness.

The father, who preached the retreat came from America. He had come to Poland for only a short time, and it so happened that he conducted our retreat. A deep interior life was reflected from this person. His bearing testified to the greatness of his spirit. Mortification and recollection characterized this priest. But despite these great virtues, I experienced much difficulty in revealing my soul to him in regard to graces received; as for sins, it is always easy to do so, but in respect to graces I really have to make a great effort, and even then I do not tell everything.

Satan's temptations during meditation. I felt a strange fear that the priest would not understand me, or that he would have no time to hear everything I would have to say. How am I going to tell him all this? If it were Father Bukowski I could do it more easily, but this Jesuit whom I am seeing for the first time...Then I remembered Father Bukowski's advice that I should at least take brief notes of the lights sent to me by God during the retreats and give him at least a brief report on them. My God, for a day and a half all has gone well, and now a life and death struggle is beginning. The conference is to start in half an hour, and then I am to go to confession. Satan tried to persuade me into believing that if my superiors have have told me that my inner life is an illusion, why should I ask again and trouble the confessor? Didn't MIX. (probably Mother Jane) tell you that the Lord Jesus does not commune with souls as miserable as yours? This confessor is going to tell you the same thing. Why speak to him about all this? These are not sins, and Mother X told you that all this communing with the Lord Jesus was day dreaming and pure hysteria. So why tell it to this confessor? You would do better to dismiss all this as illusions. Look how many humiliations you have suffered because of them, and how many more are still awaiting you, and all the sisters know that you are a hysteric. "Jesus!" I called out with all the strength of my soul.

At that moment the priest came in and began the conference. He spoke for a short time, as if he were in a hurry. After the conference, he went over to the confessional. Seeing that none of the sisters were going there, I sprang from my kneeler, and in an instance was in the confessional. There was no time to deliberate. Instead of telling the father about the doubts that had been sown in me in respect to my dealings with the Lord Jesus, I began to speak about these temptations I have just described above. The confessor immediately understood my situation and said, "Sister, you distrust the Lord Jesus because He treats you so kindly. Well Sister, be completely at peace. Jesus is your Master, and your communing with Him is neither day dreaming is neither day dreaming nor hysteria nor illusion. Know that you are on the right path. Please try to be faithful to these graces; you are not free to shun them. You do not need at all, Sister, to tell your superiors about these interior graces, unless the Lord Jesus instructs you clearly to do so, and even then you should first consult with your confessor. But if the Lord Jesus demands something external, in this case, after consulting your confessor. But if the Lord Jesus demands something external, in this case, after consulting your confessor, you should carry out what He asks you, even if this costs you greatly. On the other hand, you must tell your confessor everything. There is absolutely no other course for you to take, Sister. Pray that you may find a spiritual director, or else you will waste these great gifts of God. I repeat once again, be at peace; you are following the right path. Take no heed of anything else, but always be faithful to the Lord Jesus, no matter what anyone else says about you. It is with just such miserable souls that the Lord Jesus communes in this intimate way. And the more you humble yourself, the more the Lord Jesus will unite Himself with you".

When I left the confessional, ineffable joy filled my soul, so that I withdrew to a secluded spot in the garden to hide myself from the sisters to allow my heart to pour itself out to God. God's presence penetrated me and, in an instant, all my nothingness was drowned in God; and at the same moment I felt, or rather discerned, the Three Divine Persons dwelling in me. And I had such great peace in my soul that I myself was surprised that I could have had so many misgivings.

RESOLUTIONS: Faithfulness to inner inspirations, even though I would have no idea how much I would have to pay for it. I must do nothing on my own without first consulting the confessor.

Renewal Of Vows. From the moment I woke up in the morning, my spirit was totally submerged in God, in that ocean of love. I felt that I had been completely immersed in Him. During Holy Mass, my love for Him reached a peak of intensity. After the renewal of vows and Holy Communion, I suddenly saw the Lord Jesus, who said to me with great kindness " "My daughter, look at My merciful Heart." As I fixed my gaze on the Most Sacred Heart, the same rays of light, as are represented in the image as blood and water, came forth from it, and I understood how great is the Lord's mercy. And again Jesus said to me with kindness, "My daughter, speak to priests about this inconceivable mercy of Mine. The flames of mercy are burning Me - clamoring to be spent; I want to keep pouring them upon souls; souls just don't want to believe in My goodness." Suddenly Jesus disappeared. But throughout that whole day my spirit remained immersed in God's tangible presence, despite the bud and chatter that usually follows a retreat. It did not disturb me in the least. My spirit was in God, although externally I took part in the conversations and even went to visit Derby.


Today we are beginning the third probation. All three of us met at Mother Margaret's as the other sisters were having their probation in the novitiate. Mother Margaret began with a prayer, explained to us what the third probation consists of, and then spoke on how great is the grace of the perpetual vows. Suddenly I began to cry out loud. In an instant, all of God's graces appeared before the eyes of my soul, and I saw myself so wretched and ungrateful toward God. The sisters began to rebuke me, saying "Why did she break out crying?" But Mother Margaret came to my defense, saying that she was not surprised.

At the end of the hour, I went before the Blessed Sacrament and, like the greatest and most miserable of wretches, I begged for His mercy that He might heal and purify my soul. Then I heard these words, "My daughter, all your miseries have been consumed in the flame of My love, like a twig thrown into a roaring fire. By humbling yourself in this way, you draw upon yourself and upon other souls an entire sea of mercy." " I answered, "Jesus, mold my poor heart according to Your divine delight."

Throughout the third probation it was my duty to help the sisters in the vestiary. This duty gave me many occasions to practice virtues. Sometimes I had to take linen to certain sisters three times and still one could not satisfy them. But I also came to recognize the great virtues of some sisters who always asked for the poorest things from the vestiary. I admired their spirit of humility and mortification.

During Advent, a great yearning for God arose in my soul. My spirit rushed toward God with all its might. During that time, the Lord gave me much light to know His attributes.

The first attribute which the Lord gave me to know is His Holiness. His Holiness is so great that all the Powers and Virtues tremble before Him. The pure spirits veil their faces and lose themselves in unending adoration, and with one single word they express the highest form of adoration; that is - Holy...The holiness of God is poured out upon the Church of God and upon every living soul in it, but not in the same degree. There are souls that are completely penetrated by God, and there are those who are barely alive.

The second kind of knowledge which the Lord granted me concerns His justice. His justice is so great and penetrating that it reaches deep into the heart of things, and all things stand before Him in naked truth, and nothing can withstand Him.

The third attribute is love and mercy. And I understood that the greatest attribute is love and mercy. It unites the creature with the Creator. This immense love and abyss of mercy are made known in the Incarnation of the Word and in the Redemption (of humanity), and it is here that I saw this as the greatest of all God's attributes.

Today I was cleaning the room of one of the sisters. Although I was trying to clean it with the utmost care, she kept following me all the time and saying, "You've left a speck of dust here and a spot on the floor there". At each of her remarks I did each place over a dozen times just to satisfy her. It is not work that makes me tired, but all this talking and excessive demands. My whole day's martyrdom was not enough for her, so she went to the Directness and complained, "Mother, who is this careless sister who doesn't know how to work quickly?" The next day, I went again to do the same job, without trying to explain myself. When she started driving me, I thought, "Jesus, one can be a silent martyr; it is not the work that wears you out, but this kind of martyrdom."

I learned that certain people have a special gift for vexing others. They try you as best as they can. The poor soul that falls into their hands can do nothing right; her best efforts are maliciously criticized.


CHRISTMAS EVE.
Today I was closely united with the Mother of God. I relived her interior sentiments. In the evening, before the ceremony of the breaking of the wafer, I went into the chapel to break the wafer in spirit, with my loved ones, and I asked the Mother of God for graces for them. My spirit was totally steeped in God. During the Midnight Mass (Pasterka or Shepherd's Mass), I saw the Child Jesus in the Host, and my spirit was immersed in Him. Although He was a tiny Child, His majesty penetrated my soul. I was permeated to the depths of my being by this mystery, this great abasement on the part of God, this inconceivable emptying of Himself. These sentiments remained vividly alive in my soul all through the festive season. Oh, we shall never comprehend this great self-abasement on the part of God; the more I think of it, (unfinished thought).

One morning after Holy Communion, I heard this voice, "I desire that you accompany Me when I go to the sick," I answered that I was quite willing, but after a moment of reflection I started wondering how I was going to do so; the sisters of the second choir do not accompany the Blessed Sacrament. It is always the sister -directresses who go. I thought to myself; Jesus will find away. Shortly afterwards, Mother Rappel sent for me and said "Sister, you will accompany the Lord Jesus when the priest goes to visit the sick." And all through the time of my probation I carried the light, accompanying the Lord and, as a knight of Jesus, I always tried to gird myself with an iron belt, for it would not be proper to accompany the King in everyday dress, and I offered this mortification for the sick.

Holy Hour. During this hour, I tried to meditate on the Lord's Passion. But my soul was filled with joy, and suddenly I saw the Child Jesus. But, His majesty penetrated me to such an extent that I said, "Jesus, You are so little, and yet I know that You are my Creator and Lord". And Jesus answered me, "I am, and I keep company with you as a child to teach you humility and simplicity."

I gathered all my sufferings and difficulties into a bouquet for Jesus for the day of our perpetual betrothal. Nothing was difficult for me, when I remembered that it was for my Betrothed as proof of my love for Him.

My silence for Jesus. I strove after great silence for Jesus. Amidst the greatest din, Jesus always found silence in my heart, although it sometimes cost me a lot. But what can be too great for Jesus, for Him whom I love with all the strength of my heart?

Today Jesus said to me, "I desire that you know more profoundly the love that burns in My Heart for souls, and you will understand this when you meditate upon My Passion. Call upon My mercy on behalf of sinners; I desire their salvation. When you say this prayer, with a contrite heart and with faith on behalf of some sinner, I will give him the grace of conversion. This is the prayer:
"O Blood and Water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fount of Mercy for us, I trust in You."

During the last days of the carnival, when I was making a Holy Hour, I saw how the Lord Jesus suffered as He was being scourged. Oh, such an inconceivable agony! How terribly Jesus suffered during the scourging! O poor sinners, on the day of judgment how will you face the Jesus whom you are now torturing so cruelly? His blood flowed to the ground, and in some places His flesh started to fall off. I saw a few bare bones on His back. The meek Jesus moaned so softly and sighed.

On one occasion, Jesus gave me to know how pleasing to Him is the soul that faithfully keeps the rule. A soul will receive greater reward for observing the rule than for penances and great mortifications. The latter will be rewarded also if they are undertaken over and above the rule, but they will not surpass the rule.

Once during an adoration, the Lord demanded that I give myself up to Him as an offering, by bearing a certain suffering in atonement, not only for the sins of the world in general, but specifically for transgressions committed in this house. Immediately I said, "Very good; I am ready". But Jesus gave me to see what I was going to suffer, and in one moment the whole passion unfolded itself before my eyes. Firstly, my intentions will not be recognized; there will be all kinds of suspicion and distrust as well as various kinds of humiliations and adversities. I will not mention everything here. All these things stood before my soul's eye like a dark storm from which lightening was ready to strike at any moment, waiting only for my consent. For a moment, my nature was frightened. Then suddenly the dinner bell rang. I left the chapel, trembling and undecided. But the sacrifice was ever present before me, for I had neither decided to accept it, nor had I refused the Lord. I wanted to place myself completely in His Will. If the Lord Jesus Himself were to impose it on me, I was ready. But Jesus gave me to know that I myself was to give my free consent and accept it with full consciousness, or else it would be meaningless. Its whole power was contained in my free act before God. But at the same time, Jesus gave me to understand that the decision was completely within my power. I could do it or not do it. And so I answered immediately, "Jesus, I accept everything that You wish to send me; I trust in Your goodness". At that moment, I felt that by this act I glorified God greatly. But I armed myself with patience. As soon as I left the chapel, I had an encounter with reality. I do not want to describe the details, but there was as much of it as I was able to bear. I would not have been able to bear even one drop more.


One morning I heard these words in my soul: "Go to Mother General (Michael) and tell her that this thing displeases Me in such and such a house." I cannot mention what the thing was nor the house in question, but I did tell it to Mother General, although it cost me very much.

Once, I took upon myself a terrible temptation which one of our students in the house at Warsaw was going through. It was the temptation of suicide. For seven days I suffered; and after the seven days Jesus granted her the grace which was being asked, and then my suffering also ceased. It was a great suffering. I often take upon myself the torments of our students. Jesus permits me to do this, and so do my confessors.

My heart is a permanent dwelling place for Jesus. No one but Jesus has access to it. It is from Jesus that derive strength to fight difficulties and oppositions. I want to be transformed into Jesus in order to be able to give myself completely to souls. Without Jesus I would not get near to souls, because I know what I am of myself. I absorb God into myself in order to give Him to souls.

March 27. I desire to struggle, toil and empty myself for our work of saving immortal souls. It does not matter if these efforts should shorten my life; it is no longer mine, but belongs to the Community. I want to be useful to the whole Church by being faithful to my Community.

O Jesus, today my soul is as though darkened by suffering. Not a single ray of light. The storm is raging, and Jesus is a sleep. O my Master, I will not wake You; I will not interrupt Your sweet sleep. I believe that You fortify me without my knowing it.

Throughout the long hours I adore You, O living Bread, amidst the great drought in my soul. O Jesus, pure Love, I do not need consolations; I am nourished by Your will, O Mighty One! Your will is the goal of my existence. It seems to me that the whole world serves me and depends on me. You, O Lord, understand my soul with all its aspirations.

Jesus, when I myself cannot sing You the hymn of love, I admire the singing of the Seraphim, they who are do dearly loved by You. I desire to drown myself in You as they do. Nothing will stem such love, for no might has power over it. It is like lightening that illuminates the darkness, but does not remain it. O my Master, shape my soul according to Your will and Your eternal designs!

A certain person seems to have made it her task to try out my virtue in all sorts of ways. One day, she stopped me in the corridor and began by saying that she had no grounds for rebuking me, but she ordered me to stand there opposite the small chapel for half an hour and to wait for Mother Superior, who was to pass by there after recreation, and I was to accuse myself of various things which she had told me to say. Although I had no idea of these things being on my soul, I was obedient and waited for Mother Superior for a full half hour. Each Sister who passed by looked at me with a smile. When I accused myself before Mother Superior (Raphael), she sent me to my confessor. When I made my confession, the priest saw immediately that this was something that did not come from my own soul and that I had not the faintest idea of such things. He was very surprised that this person had dared to take upon herself to give such orders.

O Church of God, you are the best mother, you alone can rear a soul and cause it to grow. Oh, how great is my love and respect for the Church, that best of all mothers!

On one occasion the Lord said to me, "My daughter, your confidence and love restrain My justice, and I cannot inflict punishment because you hinder Me from doing so." Oh, how great is the power of a soul filled with confidence!

When I think of my perpetual vows and Who it is that wants to be joined with me, for hours I become absorbed in the thought of Him. How can this be; You are God and I - I am Your creature. You, the Immortal King and, I, a beggar and misery itself! But now all is clear to me; Your grace and Your love, O Lord, will fill the gulf between You, Jesus, and me.

O Jesus, how deeply it hurts the soul when it is always trying to be sincere and they accuse it of hypocrisy and behave with mistrust toward it. O Jesus, You also suffered like this to make satisfaction to Your Father.

I want to hide myself so that no creature might know my heart. Jesus, You alone know my heart and possess it whole and entire. No one knows our secret. We understand each other mutually with one look. From the moment we came to know each other I have been happy. Your greatness is my fullness. O Jesus, when I am in the last place, lower than the postulants, even the youngest of them, then I feel that I am in my proper place. I did not know that the Lord had put so much happiness in these drab little corners. Now I understand that even in prison there can burst forth from a pure heart the fullness of love for You. O Lord! External things mean nothing to pure love; it cuts through them all. Neither prison doors not the gates of heaven are strong enough to stop it. It reaches God himself, and nothing can quench it. It knows no obstacles; it is free like a queen and has free access to all places. Death itself must bow its head before it....


My sister (Wanda) came to see me today. When she told me of her plans, I was horror stricken. How is such a thing possible? Such a beautiful little soul before the Lord, and yet great darkness had come over her, and she did not know how to help herself. She had a dark view of everything. The good God entrusted her to my care, and for two weeks I was able to work with her. But how many sacrifices this soul cost is known only to God. For no other soul did I bring so many sacrifices and sufferings and prayers before the throne of God as I did for her soul. I felt that I had forced God to grant her grace. When I reflect on all this, I reflect that it was truly a miracle. Now I can see how much power intercessory prayer has before God.

Now, during this Lent, I often experience the Passion of the Lord Jesus in my own body. I experience deeply in my heart all that Jesus suffered, although no exterior sign betrays these sufferings of mine. Only my confessor knows about them.

A short conversation with Mother Directness (Margaret).
When I asked her about some particulars concerning progress in the spiritual life, this holy Mother answered everything with great clarity. She said to me, "If you continue cooperating with God's grace in this way, Sister, you will be only one step away from close union with God. You understand what I mean by this. This means that your characteristic trait should be faithfulness to the grace of the Lord. God does not lead all souls along such a path."

The Resurrection. Today, during the (Mass of the ) Resurrection, I saw the Lord Jesus in the midst of a great light. He approached me and said, "Peace be to you, My children," and He lifted up His hand and gave His blessing. The wounds in His hands, feet and side were indelible and shining. When He looked at me with such kindness and love, my whole soul drowned itself in Him. And He said to me, "You have taken great part in My Passion; therefore I now give you a great share in My joy and glory." The whole time of the Resurrection (Mass) seemed like only a minute to me. A wondrous recollection filled my soul and lasted throughout the whole festal season. The kindness of Jesus is so great that I cannot express it.

The next day, after Communion, I heard the voice saying, "My daughter, look into the abyss of My mercy and give praise and glory to this mercy of Mine. Do it in this way: Gather all sinners from the entire world and immerse them in the abyss of My mercy. I want to give Myself to souls; I yearn for souls, My daughter. On the day of My feast, the Feast of Mercy, you will go through the whole world and bring fainting souls to the spring of My mercy. I shall heal and strengthen them."

I prayed today for a soul in agony, who was dying without the Holy Sacraments, although she desired them. But it was already too late. It was a relative of mine, my uncle's wife. She was a soul pleasing to God. There was no distance between us at that moment.

O you small, everyday sacrifices, you are to me like wild flowers which I strew over the feet of my beloved Jesus. I sometimes compare these trifles to the heroic virtues, and that is because their enduring nature demands heroism.

In my sufferings, I do not seek help from creatures, but God is everything to me. And yet, it often seems that even the Lord does not hear me. I arm myself with patience and silence, like a dove that does not complain and feels no bitterness when its children are being taken away from it. I want to sour into the very heart of the sun, and I do not want to stop in its vapors. I will not grow weary, because it is on You that I am leaning - O You, my Strength!

I fervently beg the Lord to strengthen my faith, so that in my drab, every day life I will not be guided by human dispositions, but by those of the spirit. Oh, how everything drags man towards the earth! But lively faith maintains the soul in the higher regions and assigns self - love its proper place; that is to say, the lowest one.


Once again, a terrible darkness envelopes my soul. It seems to me that I am falling prey to illusions. When I went to confession to obtain some light and peace, I did not find these at all. The confessor left me with even more doubts than I had before. He said to me, "I cannot discern what power is at work in you Sister; perhaps it is God and perhaps it is the evil spirit." When I left the confessional, I started to think about his words. The longer I did so, the deeper my soul sank into darkness. "Jesus, what am I to do"? When Jesus approached me with kindness, I was frightened. "Are you really Jesus?" On the one hand I am drawn by love and, on the other, by fear. What torture! I cannot describe it!

When I went to confession again, I got the answer, "I do not understand you Sister. It would be better if you did not come to me for confession". O my God!..... I have to do such violence to myself before I say anything about my spiritual life, and here I am getting this answer: "Sister, I do not understand you"!

When I left the confessional, a multitude of torments oppressed me. I went before the Blessed Sacrament and said "Jesus, save me; You see how weak I am!" Then I heard these words, "I will give you help during the retreat before the vows". Encouraged by these words, I began to go forward without asking anyone's advice. But I distrusted myself so much that I made up my mind to put an end to the doubts once and for all. I therefore looked forward with special eagerness to the treat before my perpetual vows. But even for many days before the retreat, I kept on asking God to give light to the priest who would hear my confession, so that he could say, once and for all, either yes, or no. And I thought to myself, "I'll be set at peace once and for all." But I continued to worry whether anyone would be willing to hear me out concerning all these matters. And yet again I decided not to think about all this and to put my trust in the Lord. The words that continued to ring in my ears were: "during the retreat".

Everything is now ready. Tomorrow morning we are leaving for Krakow, for the retreat. Today I entered the chapel to thank the Lord for the countless graces He has bestowed on me during these five months. My heart was deeply touched at the thought of so many graces and so much care on the part of the superiors.

"My daughter, be at peace; I am taking all these matters upon Myself. I will arrange things with your superiors and with the confessor. Speak to Father Endures with the same simplicity and confidence with which you speak to Me."

We have come to Krakow today (April 18, 1933). What a joy it is to find myself again where I took my first steps in the spiritual life! Dear Mother Directness (Mary Joseph) is ever the same, cheerful and full love of neighbor. I entered the chapel for a moment and joy filled my soul. In a flash I recalled the whole ocean of graces that had been given me as a novice here.

And today we gathered together to go for an hour's visit to the novitiate. The Mother Directness, Mary Joseph, gave us a short talk and outlined the program of the retreat. As she spoke these few words to us, I saw before my eyes all the good things this Mother had done for us. I felt in my soul such profound gratitude toward her. My heart grieved at the thought that this was the last time I would be in the novitiate. Now I must battle together with Jesus, work with Jesus, suffer with Jesus; in a word, live and die with Jesus. Mother Directness will no longer be at my heels to teach me here, warn me there, or to admonish, encourage or reproach me. I am so afraid of being of being on my own. Jesus, do something about this. I will always have a superior, that's true; but now a person is left more on her own.

Krakow, April 21, 1933.
For the Greater Glory of God. - The Eight Day Retreat before Perpetual Vows.
I am beginning the retreat today. Jesus, my Master, guide me. Govern me according to Your will, purify my love that it may be worthy of You, do with me as Your most Merciful Heart desires. Jesus, there will be just the two of us during these days until the moment of our union. Keep me, Jesus, in a recollected spirit!

In the evening, the Lord said to me, "My daughter, let nothing frighten or disconcert you. Remain deeply at peace. Everything is in My hands, I will give you to understand everything through Father Andrasz. Be like a child towards him."

A Moment Before the Blessed Sacrament.
O my eternal Lord and Creator, how am I going to thank You for this great favor; namely, that You have deigned to choose miserable me to be Your betrothed and that You are to unite me to yourself in an eternal bond? O dearest Treasure of my heart, I offer You all the adoration and thanksgiving of the Saints and of all the choirs of Angels, and I unite myself in a special way with Your Mother. O Mary, my Mother, I humbly beg of You, cover my soul with Your virginal cloak at this very important moment of my life, so that thus I may become dearer to Your Son and may worthily praise Your Son's mercy before the whole world and throughout all eternity.

I could not understand the meditation today. My spirit was so extraordinarily immersed in God. I could not force myself to think about what the priest was saying during the retreat (conferences). I am often unable to think according to the points; my spirit is with the Lord, and that is my meditation.


A few words from my conference with Mother Directress, Mary Joseph. She clarified many things for me, and she set me at peace as regards my spiritual life, reassuring me that I was on the right path. I thanked the Lord Jesus for this great favor, for she is the first of the superiors who did not cause me any doubts in this regard. Oh, how infinitely good God is!

O living Host, my one and only strength, fountain of loves and mercy, embrace the whole world, fortify faint souls. Oh, blessed be the instant and the moment when Jesus left us His most merciful Heart!
To suffer without complaining, to bring comfort to others and to drown my own sufferings in the most Sacred Heart of Jesus!

I will spend all my free moments at the feet of (Our Lord in) the Blessed Sacrament. At the feet of Jesus, I will seek light, comfort and strength. I will show my gratitude unceasingly to God for His great mercy towards me, never forgetting the favors He has bestowed on me, especially the grace of a vocation.
I will hide myself among the sisters like a little violet among lilies. I want to blossom for my Lord and Maker, to forget about myself, to empty myself totally for the sake of immortal souls - this is my delight.

A few of my thoughts. As regards Holy Confession, I shall choose what costs and humiliates me most. Sometimes a trifle costs more than something greater. I will call to mind the Passion of Jesus at each confession, to arouse my heart to contrition. Before I approach the confessional, I shall first enter the open and most merciful Heart of the Savior. When I leave the confessional, I shall rouse in my soul great gratitude to the Holy Trinity for this wonderful and inconceivable miracle of mercy that is wrought in my soul. And the more miserable my soul is, the more I feel the ocean of God's mercy engulfing me and giving me strength and great power.

The rules that I most often fail to obey; sometimes I break silence; disobedience to the signal of the bell; sometimes I meddle in other peoples affairs. I will do my best to improve.
I will avoid sisters who grumble, and if they cannot be avoided, I will at least keep silent before them, thus letting them know how sorry I am to hear such things.

I must take no heed of the opinion of others, but obey the evidence of my own conscience and take God to be the witness of all my actions. I must do everything and act in all matters now as I would like to do and act at the hour of my death. For this reason, in every action I must be mindful of God.

Avoid presumed permissions. I must report (even) small things to my superiors, and do so in as much detail as is possible. I must be faithful in my spiritual exercises; I must not easily ask to be dispensed from them. I must keep silent outside the time of recreation, and avoid jokes and witty words that make others laugh and break silence. I must have great appreciation for even the most minute rules. I must not let myself become absorbed in the whirl of work, (but) take a break to look up to heaven. Speak little with people, but a good deal with God. Avoid familiarity. I must pay little attention to who is for me and who is against me. I must not tell others about those things I have had to put up with. I must avoid speaking out loud to others during work. I must maintain peace and equanimity during times of suffering. In difficult moments I must take refuge in the wounds of Jesus; I must seek consolation, comfort, light and affirmation in the Wounds of Jesus.

In the midst of trials I will try to see the loving hand of God. Nothing is as constant as suffering - it always faithfully keeps the soul company. O Jesus, I will let no one surpass me in loving You!

O Jesus, hidden in the Blessed Sacrament, You see that in pronouncing my perpetual vows I am leaving the novitiate today. Jesus, You know how weak and little I am, and so from today on, I am entering Your novitiate in a special way. I continue to be a novice, but Your novice, Jesus, and You will be my Master to the last day. Daily I will attend lectures at Your feet, I will not do the least thing by myself, without consulting You first as my Master. Jesus, how happy I am that You yourself have drawn me and taken me into Your novitiate; that is to say, into the tabernacle. In making my perpetual vows, I have by no means become a perfect nun. No, no! I am still a weak little novice of Jesus, and I must strive to acquire perfection as I did in the first days of the novitiate, and I will make every effort to keep the same disposition of soul which I had on that first day the convent gate opened to admit me.

With the trust and simplicity of a small child, I give myself to You today, O Lord Jesus, My Master. I leave You complete freedom in directing my soul. Guide me along the paths You wish. I won't question them. I will follow You trustingly. Your merciful Heart can do all things!


The little novice of Jesus - Sister Faustina.
At the beginning of the retreat, Jesus told me, "During this retreat, I myself will direct your soul. I want to confirm you in peace and love". And so the first few days passed by. On the fourth day, doubts began to trouble me: Is not this tranquility of mine false? Then I heard these words, "My daughter, imagine that you are the sovereign of all the world and have the power to dispose of all things according to your good pleasure. You have the power to do all the good you want, and suddenly a little child knocks on your door, all trembling and in tears and, trusting in your kindness, asks for a piece of bread lest he die of starvation. What would you do for this child? Answer Me, my daughter." And I said, "Jesus, I would give the child all it asked and a thousand times more." And the Lord said to me, "That is how I am treating your soul. In this retreat I am giving you, not only peace, but also such a disposition of soul that even if you wanted to experience uneasiness you could not do so. My love has taken possession of your soul, and I want you to be confirmed in it. Bring your ear close to My Heart, forget everything else, and meditate upon My wondrous mercy. My love will give you the strength and courage you need in these matters".

Jesus, living Host, You are my Mother, You are my all! It is with simplicity and love, with faith and trust that I will always come to You, O Jesus! I will share everything with You, as a child with its loving mother, my joys and sorrows - in a word, everything.

No one can comprehend what my heart feels when I meditate on the fact that God unites me with himself through the vows. God makes known to me, even now, the immensity of the love He already had for me before time began; and as for me, I have just begun to love Him, in time. His love was (ever) great, pure and disinterested, and my love for Him comes from the fact that I am beginning to know Him, the more ardently, the more fiercely I love Him, and the more perfect my acts become. Meanwhile, each time I call to mind that in a few days I am to become one with the Lord through perpetual vows, a joy beyond all description floods my soul. From the very first time that I came to know the Lord, the gaze of my soul became drowned in Him for all eternity. Each time the Lord draws close to me and my knowledge of Him grows deeper, a more perfect love grows within my soul.

Before confession, I heard these words in my soul, My daughter, tell him everything and reveal your soul to him as you do before Me. Do not fear anything. It is to keep you in peace that I place this priest between your soul and Myself. The words he will speak to you are My words. Reveal to him your soul's greatest secrets. I will give him light to know your soul."

When I approached the confessional, I felt so much at ease in my soul about speaking of everything that, later on, I myself was astounded. His answers brought great peace into my soul. His words were, are and will always be pillars of fire which enlightened and will go on enlightening my soul in its pursuit of the greatest sanctity.

The directions I received from Father Andrasx I have noted on another page in this notebook (cf Diary no 55).

When I finished this confession, my spirit was immersed in God, and I prayed for three hours, but it seemed to me like only a few minutes. Since then, I have placed no obstacles in the way of grace working in my soul. Jesus knew why I had been afraid to commune intimately with Him and was not at all offended. From the moment the priest assured me that what I had experienced was not an illusion, but the grace of God, I have tried to be faithful to God in everything. I can see now that there are few such priests who understand the full depth of God's work in the soul. Since then, my wings have been set free for flight, and I yearn to soar into the very fire of the sun. My flight will not come to an end until I rest in Him forever. When we fly very high, all the vapors, mist and clouds are beneath our feet, and our whole carnal being is necessarily subject to the spirit.


O Jesus, I long for the salvation of immortal souls. It is in sacrifice that my heart will find free _expression, in sacrifice that my heart will find free _expression, in sacrifice which no one will suspect. I will burn and be consumed unseen in the holy flames of the love of God. The presence of God will help my sacrifice to be perfect and pure.

Oh, how misleading are appearances, and how unjust the judgments. Oh, how often virtue suffers only because it remains silent. To be sincere with those who are incessantly stinging us demands much self- denial. One bleeds, but there are no visible wounds. O Jesus, it is only on the last days that many of these things will be made known. What joy - none of our efforts will be lost!

Holy Hour. During this hour of adoration, I saw the abyss of my misery; whatever there is of good in me is Yours O Lord. But because I am so small and wretched, I have a right to count on Your boundless mercy.

Evening. O Jesus, tomorrow morning I am to make my perpetual vows. I had asked heaven and earth and had called upon all beings to thank God for this immense and inconceivable favor of His when suddenly I heard these words, "My daughter, your heart is My heaven." Just a few moments of prayer and I have to run, as they drive us out of everywhere; because every place - the chapel, the refectory, the recreation room and the kitchen - is being made ready for tomorrow, and we are to go to bed. However, sleep is out of the question. Joy has driven sleep away. I thought; What is it going to be like in heaven, if already here in exile God so fills my soul.

Prayer during the Mass on the day of perpetual vows. Today I place my heart on the pattern where Your Heart has been placed, O Jesus, and today I offer myself together with You to God, Your Father and mine, as a sacrifice of love and praise. Father of Mercy, look upon the sacrifice of my heart, but through the wounds in the Heart of Jesus.

May 1, 1933. First Day.
Union with Jesus on the day of perpetual vows. Jesus, from now on Your Heart is mine, and mine is Yours alone. The very thought of Your Name, Jesus, is the delight of my heart. I truly would not be able to live without You, even for a moment, Jesus. Today my soul has lost itself in You, my only treasure. My love knows no obstacles is giving proof of itself to its Beloved.

The words of Jesus during my perpetual vows: "My spouse, our hearts are joined forever. Remember to Whom you have vowed..." everything can not be put into words.

My petition while we were lying prostrate under the pall. I begged the Lord to grant me the grace of never consciously and deliberately offending Him by even the smallest sin or imperfection.
Jesus, I trust in You, I love You with all my heart! When times are most difficult, You are my Mother.
For love of You, O Jesus, I die completely to myself today and begin to live for the greater glory of Your Holy Name.

Love, it is for love of You, O Most Holy Trinity, that I offer myself to You as an oblation of praise, as a holocaust of total self - immolation. And through this self - immolation, I desire the exaltation of Your Name. O Lord, I cast myself as a little rosebud at Your feet, O Lord, and may the fragrance of this flower be known to You alone.


Three requests on the day of my perpetual vows. Jesus, I know that today You will refuse me nothing.

First request: Jesus, my most beloved Spouse, I beg You for the triumph of the Church, particularly in Russia and in Spain; for blessings on the Holy Father, Pius X1, and on all the clergy; for the grace of conversion for impenitent sinners. And I ask You for a special blessing and for light, O Jesus, for the priests before whom I will make my confession throughout my life time.

Second request: I beg Your blessings on our Congregation, and may it be filled with great zeal. Bless O Jesus, our Mother General and our Mother Directress, all the novices and all the superiors. Bless my dearest parents. Bestow Your grace, O Jesus, on our wards; strengthen them so powerfully by Your grace so that those who leave our houses will no longer offend You by any sin. Jesus, I beg You for my homeland; protect it against the assaults of its enemies.

Third request. Jesus, I plead with You for the souls that are most in need of prayer. I plead for the dying; be merciful to them. I also beg You Jesus, to free all souls from Purgatory.

Jesus, I commend to You these particular persons: My confessors, persons recommended to my prayers, a certain person... Father Andrasz, Father Czaputa, and the priest I met in Vilnius (Father Sopocko), who is to be my confessor, a certain soul....a certain priest, a certain religious to whom You know how much I owe, Jesus, and all and all the people who have been recommended to my prayer. Jesus, on this day You can do everything for those whom I am pleading. For myself I ask Lord, transform me completely into Yourself, maintain in me a holy zeal for Your glory, give me the grace and spiritual strength to do Your holy will in all things.

Thank You, o my dearest Bridegroom, for the dignity You have conferred on me, and in particular for the royal coat - of - arms which will adorn me from this day on and which even the Angels do not possess; namely the cross, the sword and the crown of thorns. But above all, O my Jesus, I thank You for Your Heart - it is all I need.

Mother of God, Most Holy Mary, my Mother, You are my Mother in a special way now because Your beloved Son is my Bridegroom, and thus we are both Your children. For Your Son's sake, You have to love me. O Mary, my dearest Mother, guide my spiritual life in such a way that it will please Your Son.

Holy and Omnipotent God, at this moment of immense grace by which You are uniting me with Yourself forever, I, mere nothingness, with the utmost gratitude, cast myself at Your feet like a tiny, unknown flower and, each day, the fragrance of that flower of love will ascend to Your throne.

In times of struggle and suffering, of darkness and storm, of yearning and sorrow, in times of difficult trials, in times when nobody will understand me, when I will even be condemned and scorned by everyone, I will remember the day of my perpetual vows, the day of God's incomprehensible grace.

J.M.J
Special Resolutions of the Retreat, May 1, 1933.
Love of neighbor. First: Helpfulness towards the sisters. Second: Do not speak about those who are absent, and defend the good name of my neighbor. Third: Rejoice in the success of others.

O God, how much I desire to be a small child. You are my Father, and You know how little and weak I am. So I beg You, keep me close by Your side all my life and especially at the hour of my death. Jesus, I know that Your goodness surpasses the goodness of a most tender mother.

I will thank the Lord Jesus for every humiliation and will pray specially for the person who has given me the chance to be humiliated. I will immolate myself for the benefit of souls. I will not count the cost of any sacrifice. I will cast myself beneath the feet of the sisters, like a carpet that they can not only tread, but also wipe their feet. My place is under the feet of the sisters, I will make every effort to obtain that place unnoticed by others. It is enough that God sees this.

Now a gray, ordinary day has begun. The solemn hours of the perpetual vows have passed, but God's great grace has remained in my soul. I feel I am all God's, I feel I am His child, I feel I am wholly God's property. I experience this in a way that can be physically sensed. I am completely at peace about everything, because I know that it is the Spouse's business to look after me. I have forgotten about myself completely. My trust placed in His Most Merciful Heart has no limit. I am continuously united with Him. It seems to me as though Jesus could not be happy without me, nor could I without Him. Although I understand that, being God, He is happy in himself and has absolutely no need of any creature, still His goodness compels Him to give himself to the creature, and with a generosity which is beyond understanding.

My Jesus, I will now strive to give honor and glory to Your Name, doing battle till the day on which You yourself will say, enough! Every soul You have entrusted to me, Jesus, I will try to aid with prayer and sacrifice, so that Your grace can work in them. O great lover of souls, my Jesus, I thank You for this immense confidence with which you have deigned to place souls in our care. O you days of work and of monotony, you are not monotonous to me at all, for each moment brings me new graces and opportunity to do good.


(April) 25, 1933
Monthly Permissions.
To enter the chapel when I pass near it. To pray in my moments of leisure. To accept, give or lend small things. To have a mid - morning and an afternoon snack. Sometimes I will not be able to take part in recreation. Sometimes I will not be able to take part in community exercises. Sometimes I will not be able to take part in evening and morning prayers. Sometimes to remain at work a little longer after nine or to make my spiritual exercises after nine. To write down something or take notes when I have a free moment. To telephone. To go out of the house. To visit a church when I am in town. To enter other sisters' cells in case of need. To take a drink of water occasionally outside the prescribed times.

Small Mortifications.
To recite the Chaplet of The Divine Mercy with outstretched arms. On Saturday, to say five decades of the Rosary with outstretched arms. To sometimes recite a prayer (while) lying prostrate. On Thursdays, a Holy Hour. On Fridays, some greater mortification for dying sinners.

Jesus, Friend of a lonely heart, You are my haven, serenity in moments of struggle and amidst an ocean of doubts. You are the bright ray that lights up the path of my life. You are everything to a lonely soul. You understand the soul even though it remains silent. You know our weaknesses, and like a good physician, You comfort and heal, sparing us sufferings - expert that You are.

The words of the Bishop (Rospond) spoken at the ceremony of the taking of perpetual vows: "Accept this candle as a sign of heavenly light and of burning love".

While giving the ring: "I betroth you to Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father Most High; may He keep unblemished. Take this ring as a sign of the eternal covenant you are making with Christ, the Spouse of Virgins. May it be for you the ring of faith and the sign of the Holy Spirit, that you may be called the bride of Christ and, if you serve Him faithfully, be crowned (as such) for all eternity.

Jesus, I trust in You; I trust in the ocean of Your mercy. You are a Mother to me.

This year, 1933, is for me an especially solemn year, because of this Jubilee Year of the Lord's Passion, I have taken my perpetual vows. I have joined my sacrifice in a special way to the sacrifice of the crucified Jesus, in order to thus become more pleasing to God. I do all things with Jesus, through Jesus, in Jesus.

After perpetual vows, I stayed in Cracow throughout the month of May, because it was undecided whether I was to go to Rabka or to Vilnius. Once Mother General (Michael) asked me, "Why are you sitting here so quietly and not getting ready to go somewhere Sister?" I answered, "I want to do God's pure will; wherever you bid me to go dear Mother, I will know God's pure will for me will be there, without any admixture on my part."

Mother General replied to this, "Very well!" The next day she summoned me and said, "You wanted to have God's pure will, Sister; very well, then; you are going to Vilnius". I thanked her and awaited the day when I would be told to go. However, my soul was filled with a certain joy and fear, at one and the same time. I felt that God was preparing great graces for me there, but also great sufferings. Yet I stayed on in Cracow until the 27th of May. As I had no regular duties, I only went to help in the garden. And as it happened that I worked all alone for the whole month, I was able to make a Jesuit retreat. Although I went to community recreation, I still managed to make the Jesuit retreat. I received mush light from God at this time.

It was four days after my perpetual vows. I was trying to make a Holy Hour. It was the first Thursday of the month. As soon as I entered the chapel, God's presence enveloped me. I was distinctly aware that the Lord was near me. After a moment, I saw the Lord all covered with wounds; and He said to me, "Look at whom you have espoused." I understood the meaning of these words and answered the Lord, "Jesus, I love You more when I see You wounded and crushed with suffering like this than if I saw You in majesty." Jesus asked, "Why?" I then replied, "Great majesty terrifies me, little nothing that I am, and Your wounds draw me to Your Heart and tell me of Your great love for me". After this conversation there was silence. I fixed my gaze upon His sacred wounds and felt happy to suffer with Him. I suffered, and yet I did not suffer, because I felt happy to know the depth of His love, and the hour passed like a minute.

I must never judge anyone, but look at others with leniency and at myself with severity. I must refer everything to God and, in my own eyes recognize myself for what I am: utter misery and nothingness. In suffering, I must be patient and quiet, knowing that everything passes in time. The moment lived through when I was taking my perpetual vows are better left unsaid.


I am in Him and He in me. As the Bishop (Rospond) was putting the ring on my finger, God pervaded my whole being, and since I cannot express that moment, I will be silent about it. My relationship with God, since perpetual vows, has been more intimate than it has ever been before. I sense that I love God and that He loves me. Having once tasted God, my soul could not live without Him. One hour spent at the foot of the altar in the greatest dryness of spirit is dearer to me than a hundred years of worldly pleasures. I prefer to be a lowly drudge in the convent than a queen in the world.

I will hide from people's eyes whatever good I am able to do so that God Himself may be my reward. I will be like a tiny violet hidden in the grass, which does not hurt the foot that treads on it, but diffuses its fragrance and forgetting itself completely, tries to please the person who has crushed it underfoot. This is very difficult for human nature, but God's grace comes to one's aid.

Thank You Jesus, for the great favor of making known to me the whole abyss of my misery. I know that I am an abyss of nothingness and that, if Your holy grace did not hold me up, I would return to nothingness in a moment. And so, with every beat of my heart, I thank You, my God, for Your great mercy towards me.

Tomorrow I am to leave for Vilnius. Today, I went to confession to Father Andrasz, this priest who is so filled with the spirit of God, who united my wings so that I could soar to the highest summits. He reassured me in everything and told me to believe in Divine Providence. "Have confidence and walk ahead with courage". An extraordinary, divine power came over me after that confession. Father stressed that I must be faithful to God's grace and said "No harm will come to you if, in the future, you continue to keep this same simplicity and obedience. Have confidence in God; you are on the right path and in good hands, in God's hands."

That evening I remained in the chapel a little longer. I talked to the Lord about a certain souls. Encouraged by His goodness, I said, "Jesus, You gave me this Father who understands my inspirations, and now You are taking him away from me again. What am I going to do in this Vilnius? I don't know anyone there, and even the dialect of the people there is foreign to me." And the Lord said to me, "Do not fear; I will not leave you to yourself." My soul drowned itself in a prayer of thanksgiving for all the graces that the Lord had granted me through the mediation of Father Andrasz.

Suddenly I remembered the vision in which I had seen that priest between the confessional and the altar, trusting that I would meet him some day. And the words I heard came back vividly: "He will help you to fulfill my will here on earth."

Today, 27 (May 1933), I am leaving for Vilnius. When I came out of the house, I looked at the garden and the house, and when I cast a glance at the novitiate, tears suddenly ran down my cheeks. I remembered all the blessings and graces bestowed on me by the Lord. Then suddenly and unexpectantly, I saw the Lord by the flower bed, and He said to me, "Do not weep; I am with you always." God's presence, which enveloped me as Jesus was speaking, accompanied me throughout the journey.

I had permission to visit Czestochowa while on my journey. I saw the Mother of God (image) for the first time, when I was to attend the unveiling of the image at five in the morning. I prayed without interruption until eleven, and it seemed to me that I had just come in. The superior of the house there (Mother Serafin) sent a sister for me, to tell me to come to breakfast and said she was worried that I would miss my train. The Mother of God told me many things. I entrusted my perpetual vows to Her. I felt that I was Her child and that She was my Mother. She did not refuse any of my requests.

I am already in Vilnius today. A few scattered tiny huts make up the convent. It seems a bit strange to me after the large buildings of Jozefow. There are only eighteen sisters here. The house is small, but the community life is more intimate. All the sisters received me warmly, which was for me a great encouragement to endure the hardships that lay ahead. Sister Justine had even scrubbed the floor in anticipation of my arrival.

When I went to Benediction, Jesus enlightened me on how I was to conduct myself in respect to certain persons. I clung with all my might to the most sweet Heart of Jesus, knowing how much I would be exposed to external distractions because of the work I would be doing here in the garden, where I necessarily would be in close contact with lay persons.


The week for confession came and, to my great joy, I saw the priest I had known before coming to Vilnius. (That is to say,) I had known him by seeing him in a vision. At that moment, I heard these words in my soul, "This is My faithful servant; he will help you to fulfill My will here on earth". Yet, I did not open myself to him as the Lord wished. And for some time I struggled against grace. During each confession, God's grace penetrated me in a very special way, yet I did not reveal my soul before him, and I had the intention of not going to confession to that priest. After this decision, a terrible anxiety entered my soul. God reproached me severely. When I did lay bare my soul completely to this priest, Jesus poured an ocean of graces into it. Now I understand what it means to be faithful to a particular grace. That one grace draws down a whole series of others.

O my Jesus, keep me near to You! See how weak I am! I cannot go a step forward by myself; So You Jesus, must stand by me constantly like a mother by a helpless child - and even more so.

Days of work, of struggle and of suffering have begun. Everything continued according to the convent routine. One is always a novice, having to learn many things and to get to know about many things, because although the rule is the same, each house has its own customs; and thus, each change is a little novitiate.

August 5, 1933. The Feast of Our Lady of Mercy.
Today I received a great and incomprehensible grace, a purely interior one, for which I will be grateful to God throughout this life and in eternity...

Jesus told me that I please Him best by meditating on His sorrowful Passion, and by such meditation much light falls upon my soul. He who wants to learn true humility should reflect upon the Passion of Jesus. When I meditate upon the Passion of Jesus, I get a clear understanding of many things I could not comprehend before. I want to resemble You O Jesus, - You crucified, tortured and humiliated. Jesus, imprint upon my heart and soul Your own humility. I love You Jesus, to the point of madness, You who were crushed with suffering as described by the prophet (cf. Isaiah 53: 2-9), as if he could not see the human form in You because of Your great suffering. It is in this condition, Jesus, that I love You to the point of madness. O eternal and infinite God, what has love done to You?...

October 11, 1933 - Thursday. - I tried to make a Holy Hour, but began with great difficulty. A certain yearning started to tear at my heart. My mind was dimmed so that I could not understand the simplest forms of prayer. And so passed by an hour of prayer, or rather of struggle. I resolved to pray for a second hour, but my inner sufferings increased - great dryness and discouragement. I resolved to pray for a third hour. In the third hour, which I resolved to spend kneeling without any support, my body started to clamor for rest. But I in no way relented. I stretched out my arms and, though I spoke no words, I persisted by sheer will. After a while, I took the ring off my finger and asked Jesus to look at the ring, that sign of our eternal union, and I offered Jesus the feelings I had, had on the day of perpetual vows. After a while, I feel my heart inundated with a wave of love. A sudden recollection of spirit, the senses quiet down, and God's presence pervades my soul. I know only this: that it is Jesus and I. I saw Him just had He had appeared to me in that instant after my perpetual vows, when I was likewise making a Holy Hour. Jesus was suddenly standing before me, stripped of His clothes, His body completely covered with wounds, His eyes flooded with tears and blood, His face disfigured and covered with spittle. The Lord then said to me, "The bride must resemble her Betrothed." I understood these words to the very depth. There is no room for doubt here. My likeness to Jesus must be through suffering and humility. "See what love of human souls has done to Me. My daughter, in your heart I find everything that so great a number of souls refuses Me. Your heart is My repose. I often wait with great graces until towards the end of prayer."

Once, when I had finished a novena to the Holy Spirit for the intention of my confessor (Father Sopocko), the Lord answered, "I made him known to you even before your superiors had sent you here. As you will act towards your confessor, so I will act toward you. If you conceal something from him, even though it be the least of My graces, I too will hide myself from you, and you will remain alone." And so I followed God's wish, and a deep peace filled my soul. Now I understand how the Lord defends confessors and how He protects them.


Advice of the Rev. Dr. Sopocko.
Without humility, we cannot be pleasing to God. Practice the third degree of humility; that is, not only must one refrain from explaining and defending oneself when reproached with something, but one should rejoice at the humiliation.

If the things you are telling me really come from God, prepare your soul for great suffering. You will encounter disapproval and persecution. They will look upon you as a hysteric and an eccentric, but the Lord will lavish His graces upon you. True works of God always meet opposition and are marked by suffering. If God wants to accomplish something, sooner or later He will do so in spite of the difficulties. Your part in the meantime, is to arm yourself with great patience.

When the Rev. Dr. Sopocko went to the Holy Land, Father Dabrowski, S. J., was the community's confessor. During one confession he asked me if I was aware of the high degree of (spiritual) life that was present in my soul. I answered that I was aware of it and knew what was going on within me. To this the Father replied, "You must not destroy what is going on in your soul, Sister, nor must you change anything on your own. It is not in every soul that the beautiful gift of a higher interior life is manifest as it is in your case, Sister, for it is manifest in an immense degree. Be careful not to waste these great graces of God; a great..... "(Here the thought breaks off).

But previously, this priest had put me through many trials. When I told him that the Lord wanted these things of me (that, is the painting of the image, the establishing of a feast of The Divine Mercy, and the founding of a new community), he laughed at me and told me to come to confession at eight in the evening. When I came at eight, a brother was already locking the church. When I told him that Father had ordered me to come at that time and asked him to let Father know I was there, the good brother went to let him know. Father told him to tell me that priests do not hear confession at that time of day. I returned home empty handed and did not go to confession to him again, but I made a whole hour's adoration and took on certain mortifications for him, that he might obtain light from God in order to know souls. But when Father Sopocko left, and he substituted for him, I was forced to go to confession to him. Yet, while previously he had been unwilling to acknowledge these inner inspirations, he now put me under obligation to be faithful to them. God lets such things happen sometimes, but may He be glorified in everything. Still, it requires much grace not to falter.

Annual Retreat. January 10, 1934.
My Jesus, again the moment approaches when I will be a lone with You, Jesus, I ask You with all my heart, let me know what there is in me that displeases You and also let me know what I should do to become more pleasing to You. Do not refuse me this favor and be with me. I know that without You Lord, all my efforts will not amount to much. Oh, how I rejoice at Your greatness, O Lord! The more I come to know You, the more ardently I yearn for You and sigh after You! Jesus, gave me the grace of knowing myself. In this divine I see my principal fault; it is pride which takes the form of my closing up within myself and of a lack of simplicity in my relations with Mother Superior (Irene).

The second light concerns speaking. I sometimes talk too much. A thing could be settled in one or two words, and as for me, I take too much time about it. But Jesus wants me to use that time to say some short indulgenced prayers for the souls in purgatory. And the Lord says that every word will be weighed on the day of judgment.

The third light concerns our rules. I have not sufficiently avoided the occasions that lead to breaking the rules, especially that of silence. I will act as if the rule were written just for me; it should effect me at all how anyone else might act, as long as I myself act as God wishes.

Resolution. Whatever Jesus asks of me regarding external things, I will immediately go and tell my superiors. I shall strive for childlike openness and frankness in my relations with the superior.

Jesus loves hidden souls. A hidden flower is the most fragrant. I must strive to make the interior of my soul a resting place for the Heart of Jesus. In difficult and painful moments, O my Creator, I sing You a hymn of trust, for bottomless is the abyss of my trust in You and in Your mercy!

From the moment I came to love suffering, it ceased to be a suffering for me. Suffering is the daily food of my soul.
I will not speak with a certain person, because I know that Jesus does not like it and that she does not profit by it.


At the feet of the Lord. Hidden Jesus, Eternal Love, our Source of Life, Divine Madman, in that You forget Yourself and see only us. Before creating heaven and earth, You carried us in the depths of Your Heart. O Love, O depth of Your abasement, O mystery of happiness, why do so few people know You? Why is Your loved not returned? O Divine Love, who do You hide your beauty? O Infinite One beyond all understanding, the more I know You the less I comprehend You, I better comprehend Your greatness. I do not envy the Seraphim their fire, for I have a greater gift deposited in my heart. They admire You in rapture, but Your Blood mingles with mine. Love is heaven given us already here on earth. Oh, why do You hide in faith? Love tears away the veil. There is no veil before the eye of my soul, for You Yourself have drawn me into the bosom of secret love forever. Praise and glory be to You, O indivisible Trinity, One God unto ages of ages!

God made known to me what true love consists in and gave light to me about how, in practice to give proof of it to Him. True love of God consists in carrying out God's will. To show God our love in what we do, all our actions, even the least, must spring from our love of God. And the Lord said to me, "My child, You please Me most by suffering. In your physical as well as your mental sufferings, My daughter, do not seek sympathy from creatures. I want the fragrance of your suffering to be pure and unadulterated. I want you to detach yourself, not only from creatures, but also from yourself. My daughter, I want to delight in the love of your heart, a pure love, virginal, unblemished, untarnished. The more you will come to love suffering, My daughter, the purer your love for Me will be."

Jesus commanded me to celebrate the Feast of God's Mercy on the first Sunday after Easter. (This I did) through interior recollection and exterior mortification, wearing the belt for three hours and praying continuously for sinners and for mercy on the whole world. And Jesus said to me, "My eyes rest with pleasure upon this house today."

I feel certain that my mission will not come to an end upon my death, but will begin. O doubting souls, I will draw aside for you the veils of heaven to convince you of God's goodness, so that you will no longer continue to wound with your distrust the sweetest Heart of Jesus. God is Love and Mercy.

Once the Lord said to me, "My Heart was moved by great mercy towards you, My dearest child, when I saw you torn to shreds because of the great pain you suffered in repenting your sins. I see your love, so pure and true that I give you first place among the virgins. You are the honor and glory of My Passion. I see every abasement in your soul, and nothing escapes my attention. I lift up the humble even to My even to my very throne, because I want it so."

God, One in the Holy Trinity.
I want to love You as no human soul has ever loved You before; and although I am utterly miserable and small, I have nevertheless cast the anchor of my trust deep down into the abyss of Your mercy, O my God and Creator! In spite of my great misery I fear nothing, but hope to sing You a hymn of glory forever. Let no soul, even the most miserable, fall prey to doubt; for, as long as one is alive, each one can become a great saint, so great is the power of God's grace. It remains only for us not to oppose God's actions.

O Jesus, if only I could become like mist before Your eyes, to cover the earth so that You would not see its terrible crimes. Jesus, when I look at the world and its indifference towards You, again and again it brings tears to my eyes; but when I look at a cold soul of a religious, my heart bleeds.


1934. Once, when I returned to my cell, I was so tired that I had to rest a moment before I started to undress, and when I was already undressed, one of the sisters asked me to fetch her some hot water. Although I was tired, I dressed quickly and brought her the water she wanted, even though it was quite a long walk from the cell to the kitchen, and the mud was ankle deep. When I re-entered my cell, I saw the ciborium with the Blessed Sacrament, and I heard this voice, "Take this ciborium and bring it to the tabernacle." " I hesitated at first, but when I approached and touched it, I heard these words, "Approach each of the sisters with the same love with which You approach Me; and whatever You do for them, You do for Me." A moment later, I saw that I was alone.

Once, after an adoration for our country, a pain pierced my soul, and I began to pray in this way: "Most merciful Jesus, I beseech You through the intercession of Your Saints, and especially the intercession of Your dear Mother who nurtured You from childhood, bless my native land. I beg You Jesus, look not on our sins, but on the tears of little children, on the hunger and cold they suffer. Jesus for the sake of these innocent ones, grant me the grace that I am asking of You for my country." At that moment, I saw the Lord Jesus, His eyes filled with tears, and He said to me, "You see, My daughter, what great compassion I have for them. Know that it is they that uphold the world."

My Jesus, when I look at this life of souls, I see that many of them serve You with some mistrust. At certain times, especially when there is an opportunity to show their love for God, I see them running away from the battlefield. And once Jesus said to me, "Do you, My child, also want to act like that?" I answered the Lord , "Oh no, my Jesus, I will not retreat from the battle field, even if mortal sweat breaks out on my brow; I will not let the sword fall from my hand until I rest at the feet of the Holy Trinity!" Whatever I do, I do not rely on my own strength, but on God's grace. With God's grace a soul can overcome the greatest difficulties.

Once when I was having a long talk with Jesus about our students, encouraged by His kindness, I asked Him, "Do You have among our students any who are a comfort to Your Heart?" The Lord answered (that) He has, "But their love is weak, and so I put them in your special care - pray for them".

O great God, I admire Your goodness! You are the Lord of heavenly hosts, and yet You stoop so low to Your miserable creatures. Oh, how ardently I desire to love You with every beat of my heart! The whole extent of the earth is not enough for me, heaven is too small, and boundless space is nothing; You alone are enough for me, Eternal God! You alone can fill the depths of my soul.
My happiest moments are when I am alone with my Lord. During these moments I experience the greatness of God and my own misery.

Once Jesus said to me, "Do not be surprised that you are sometimes unjustly accused. I myself first drank this cup of undeserved suffering for love of you."

Once, when I was deeply moved by the thought of eternity and its mysteries, my soul became fearful; and when I pondered about these a little longer, I started to be troubled by various doubts. Then Jesus said to me, "My child, do not be afraid of the house of your Father. Leave these vain inquiries to the wise of this world. I want to see you always as a little child. Ask your confessor about everything with simplicity, and I will answer you through his lips."

On a certain occasion, I saw a person about to commit a mortal sin. I asked the Lord to send me the greatest torments so that, that soul could be saved. Then I suddenly felt a terrible pain of a crown of thorns on my head. It lasted for quite a long time, but that person remained in the Lord's grace. O my Jesus, how very easy it is to become holy; all that is needed is a bit of good will. If Jesus sees this little bit of good will in the soul, He hurries to give Himself to the soul, and nothing can stop Him, neither short comings or falls - absolutely nothing. Jesus is anxious to help that soul, and if it is faithful to this grace from God, it can very soon attain the highest holiness possible for a creature here on earth. God is very generous and does not deny His grace to anyone. Indeed He gives more than what we ask of Him. Faithfulness to the inspirations of the Holy Spirit - that is the shortest route.

When a soul loves God sincerely, it ought not to fear anything in the spiritual life. Let it subject itself to the action of grace, and let it not impose any restraints on itself in communing with the Lord.


When Jesus ravished me by His beauty and drew me to Himself, I then saw what in my soul was displeasing to Him and made my mind up to remove it, cost what it may; and aided by the grace of God I did remove it at once. This magnanimity pleased the Lord, and from that moment God started granting me higher graces. In my interior life I never reason; I do not analyze the ways in which God's Spirit leads me. It is enough for me to know that I am loved and that I love. Pure love enables me to know God and understand many mysteries. My confessor is an oracle for me. His word is sacred to me - I am speaking about the spiritual director (Father Sopocko).

Once the Lord said to me, "Act like a beggar who does not back away when he gets more alms (than he asked for), but offers thanks the more fervently. You too should not back away and say that you are not worthy of receiving greater graces when I give them to you. I know you are unworthy, but rejoice all the more and take as many treasures from My Heart as you can carry, for then you will please Me more. And I will tell you one more thing; Take these graces not only for yourself, but also for others; that is, encourage the souls with whom you come in contact to trust in My infinite mercy. Oh, how I love those souls who have complete confidence in Me. I will do everything for them."

At that moment Jesus asked me, "My child, how is your retreat going?" I answered, "But Jesus, You know how it is going". "Yes, I know, but I want to hear it from your own lips and from your heart." O my Master, when You are leading me, everything goes smoothly, and I ask You Lord, to never leave my side." And Jesus said, " Yes, I will be with you always, if you always remain a little child and fear nothing. As I was your beginning here, so I will also be your end. Do not rely on creatures, even in the smallest things, because this displeases Me. I want to be alone in your soul. I will give light and strength to your soul, and you will learn from My representative that I am in you, and your uncertainty will vanish like mist before the rays of the sun."

O Supreme Good, I want to love You as no one on earth has ever loved You before! I want to adore You with every moment of my life an unite my will closely to Your holy will. My life is not drab or monotonous, but it varied like a garden of fragrant flowers, so that I don't know which flower to pick first, the lily of suffering or the rose of love of neighbor or the violet of humility. I will not enumerate these treasures in which my every day abounds. It is a great thing to know how to make use of the present moment.

Jesus, Supreme Light, grant me the grace of knowing myself, and pierce my dark soul with Your light, and fill the abyss of my soul with Your own self, for You alone (....)

O my Jesus, the Life, the Way and the Truth, I beg You to keep me close to You as a mother holds a baby to her bosom, for I am not only a helpless child, but an accumulation of misery and nothingness.

The Mystery of the Soul Vilnius, 1934.
When on one occasion, my confessor told me to ask the Lord Jesus the meaning of the two rays in the image, I answered, "Very well, I will ask the Lord."

During prayer I heard these words within me: "The two rays denote Blood and Water. The pale ray stands for the Water which makes souls righteous. The red ray stands for the Blood which is the life of souls....
"These two rays issued forth from the very depths of My tender mercy when My agonized Heart was opened by a lance on the Cross.
"These rays shield souls from the wrath of My Father. Happy is the one who will dwell in their shelter, for the just hand of God shall not lay hold of him. I desire that the first Sunday after Easter be the Feast of Mercy.

"Ask of my faithful servant (Father Sopocko) that on this day, he tell the whole world of My great mercy; that whoever approaches the Fount of Life on this day will be granted complete remission of sins and punishment.
"Mankind will not have peace until it turns with trust to My mercy.
"Oh, how much I am hurt by a soul's distrust! Such a soul professes that I am Holy and Just, but does not believe that I am Mercy and does not trust in My Goodness. Even the devils glorify My Justice but do not believe in My Goodness.

"My Heart rejoices in this title of Mercy. "Proclaim that mercy is the greatest attribute of God. All the works of My hands are crowned with mercy."

O Eternal Love, I want all the souls You have created to come to know You. I would like to be a priest, for then I would speak without cease about Your mercy to sinful souls drowned in despair. I would like to be a missionary and carry the light of faith to savage nations in order to make You known to souls, and to be completely consumed for them and to die a martyr's death, just as You died for them and for me. O Jesus, I know only too well that I can be priest, a missionary, a preacher, and that I can die a martyr's death by completely emptying myself and denying myself for love of You, O Jesus, and of immortal souls.

Great love can change small things into great ones, and it is only love which lends value to our actions. And the purer our love becomes, the less there will be within us for the flames of suffering to feed upon, and the suffering will cease to be a suffering for us; it will become a delight! By the grace of God, I have received such a disposition of heart that I am never so happy as when I suffer for Jesus, whom I love with every beat of my heart.


Once when I was suffering greatly, I left my work and escaped to Jesus and asked Him to give me strength. After a very short prayer I returned to my work and escaped to Jesus and asked Him to give me His strength. After a very short prayer I returned to my work filled with enthusiasm and joy. Then, one of the sisters (probably Sister Justine) said to me, "You must have many consolations today, Sister; you look so radiant. Surely, God is giving you no suffering, but only consolations." "You are greatly mistaken, Sister," I answered, "for it is precisely when I suffer much that my joy is greater; and when I suffer less, my joy also is less." However, that soul was letting me recognize that she does not understand what I was saying. I tried to explain to her that when we suffer much we have a great chance to show God that we love Him; but when we suffer little we have less occasion to show God our love; and when we do not suffer at all, our love is then neither great nor pure. By the grace of God, we can attain a point where suffering will become a delight to us, for love can work such things in pure souls.

O my Jesus, my only hope, thank You for the book which You have opened before my soul's eyes. That book is Your Passion which You underwent for love of me. It is from this book that I have learned how to love God and souls. In this book there are found for us inexhaustible treasures. O Jesus, how few souls understand You in Your martyrdom of love! Oh, how great is the fire of purest love which burns in Your Most Sacred Heart! Happy the soul that has come to understand the love of the Heart of Jesus!

It is my greatest desire that souls should recognize You as their eternal happiness, that they should come to believe in Your goodness and glorify Your infinite mercy.

I asked the Lord to grant me the grace that my nature be immune and resist the influences that sometimes try to draw me away from the spirit of our rule and from the minor regulations. These minor transgressions are like little moths that try to destroy the spiritual life within us, and they surely will destroy it if the soul is aware of these minor transgressions and yet disregards them as small things. I can see nothing that is small in the religious life. Little matter if I am sometimes the object of vexation and jeers, as long as my spirit remains in harmony with the spirit of the rules, the vows and the religious statutes.

O my Jesus, delight of my heart, You know my desires. I should like to hide from people's sight so as to be like one alive and yet not living. I want to live pure as a wild flower; I want my love always to be turned to You, just as a flower that is always turning to the sun. I want the fragrance and the freshness of the flower of my heart to be always preserved for You alone. I want to live beneath Your divine gaze, for You alone are enough for me. When I am with You, Jesus, I fear nothing, for nothing can do me harm.

1934. Once during Lent, I saw a great light and a great darkness over house and chapel. I saw the struggle of these two powers...

1934, Holy Thursday. Jesus said to me, "I desire that you make an offering of yourself for sinners and especially for those souls who have lost hope in God's mercy."

God and Souls. An Act of Oblation.
Before heaven and earth, before all the choirs of Angels, before the most Holy Virgin Mary, before all the powers of heaven, I declare to the One Triune God that today, in union with Jesus Christ, Redeemer of souls, I make a voluntary offering of myself for the conversion of sinners, especially for those souls who have lost hope in God's mercy. This offering consists in my accepting, with total subjection to God's will, all the sufferings, fears and terrors with which sinners are filled. In return, I give them all the consolations which my soul receives from my communion with God. In a word, I offer everything for them: Holy Masses, Holy Communions, penances, mortifications, prayers. I do not fear the blows, blows of divine justice, because I am united with Jesus. O my God, in this way I want to make amends to you for the souls that do not trust in Your goodness. I hope against all hope in the ocean of Your mercy. My Lord and my God, my portion - my portion forever, I do not base this act of oblation on my own strength, but on the strength that flows from the merits of Jesus Christ. I will daily repeat this act of self - oblation by pronouncing the following prayer which You yourself have taught me, Jesus,

"O Blood and Water which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a Fount of Mercy for us, I trust in You!"

S.M. Faustina of the Blessed Sacrament - Holy Thursday, during Holy Mass, March 29, 1934.

"I am giving you a share in the redemption of mankind. You are solace in My dying hour."

When I received permission from my confessor (Father Sopocko) to make an act of oblation, I soon learned that it was pleasing to God, because I immediately began to experience its effects. In a moment my soul became like a soul - dried up, filled with torment and disquiet. All sorts of blasphemies and curses kept pressing upon my ears. Distrust and despair invaded my heart. This is the condition of the poor people, which I have taken upon myself. At first, I was very much frightened by these horrible things, but during the first (opportune) confession, I was set at peace.

Once when I went outside the convent to go to confession (St. Michael's Church), I chanced upon my confessor (Father Sopocko) saying Mass just then. After a while I saw the Child Jesus on the altar, joyfully and playfully holding out His hands to him. But a moment later the priest took this beautiful Child into his hands, broke Him up and ate Him alive. At the first instant I felt a dislike for the priest for having done this to Jesus, but I was immediately enlightened in the matter and understood that this priest was very pleasing to God.


Once, when I was visiting the artist (Eugene Kazimieroqski) who was painting the image, and saw that it was not as beautiful as Jesus is, I felt very sad about it, but I hid this deep in my heart. When we had left the artist's house, Mother Superior (Irene) stayed in town to attend to some matters while I returned home alone. I went immediately to the chapel and wept a good deal. I said to the Lord, "Who will paint You as beautiful as You really are?" Then I heard these words: "Not in the beauty of the color, nor of the brush lies the greatness of this image, but in My grace".

When I went to the garden one afternoon, my Guardian Angel said to me, "Pray for the dying". And so I began at once to pray the rosary with the gardeners for the dying. After the rosary, we said varies prayers for the dying. After the prayers, the wards began to chat gaily among themselves. In spite of the noise they were making, I heard these words in my soul: "Pray for me"! But as I could not understand these words very well, I moved a few steps away from the wards, trying to think who it could be who was asking me to pray. Then I heard the words, "I am Sister...." This sister was in Warsaw while I was, at the time, in Vilnius. "Pray for me until I tell you to stop. I am dying". Immediately, I began to pray fervently for her, (addressing myself) to the expiring Heart of Jesus. She gave me no respite, and I kept praying from three (O'clock) until five. At five I heard the words: "Thank you!" and I understood that she had died. But during Holy Mass on the following day, I continued to pray fervently for her soul. In the afternoon, a postcard came saying that Sister... had died at such and such a time. I understood that it was at the same hour when she said to me "Pray for me".

Mother of God, Your soul was plunged into the sea of bitterness; look upon Your child and teach her to suffer and to love while suffering. Fortify my soul that pain will not break it. Mother of grace, teach me to live by (the power of) God.

Once, the Mother of God came to visit me. She was sad. Her eyes were cast down. She made it clear that She wanted to say something, and yet on the other hand, it was as if She did not want to speak to me about it. When I understood this, I began to beg the Mother of God to tell me and to look at me. Just then Mary looked at me with a warm smile and said, "You are going to experience certain sufferings because of an illness and the doctors; you will also suffer much because of the image, but do not be afraid of anything." The next day I fell ill and suffered a great deal, just as the Mother of God had told me. But my soul was ready for the sufferings. Suffering is a constant companion of my life.

O my God, my only hope, I have placed all my trust in You, and I know I shall not be disappointed.

I often feel God's presence after Holy Communion is a special and tangible way. I know God is in my heart. And the fact that I feel Him in my heart does not interfere with my duties. Even when I am dealing with very important matters which require attention, I do not lose the presence of God in my soul, and I am closely united with Him. With Him I go to work, with Him I go for recreation, with Him I suffer, with Him I rejoice; I live in Him and He in me. I am never alone, because He is my constant companion. He is present to me at every moment. Our intimacy is very close, through a union of blood and of life.

August 9, 1934. Night adoration on Thursdays. I made my hour of adoration from eleven o'clock till midnight. I offered it for the conversion of hardened sinners, especially for those who have lost hope in God's mercy. I was reflecting on how much God had suffered and on how great was the love He had shown for us, and on the fact that that we still do not believe that God loves us so much. O Jesus, who can understand this? What suffering it is for our Savior! How can He convince us of His love if even His death cannot convince us? I called upon the whole of heaven to join me in making amends to the Lord for the ingratitude of certain souls.

Jesus made known to me how very pleasing to Him were the prayers of atonement. He said to me, "The prayer of a humble and loving soul disarms the anger of My Father and draws down an ocean of blessings." After the adoration, half way to my cell, I was surrounded by a pack of huge black dogs who were jumping and howling and trying to tear me to pieces. I realized that they were not dogs, but demons. One of them spoke up in a rage, "Because you have snatched so many souls away from us this night, we will tear you to pieces." I answered, "If that is the will of the most merciful God, tear me to pieces, for I have justly deserved it, because I am the most miserable of all sinners, and God is ever Holy, just and infinitely merciful." To these words all the demons answered as one, "Let us flee, for she is not alone; the Almighty is with her!" And they vanished like dust, like the noise of the road, while I continued on my way to my cell undisturbed, finishing my Te Deum and pondering the infinite and unfathomable mercy of God.


August 12, 1934.
A sudden illness - a mortal suffering. It was not death, that is to say, a passing over to real life, but a taste of the sufferings of death. Although it gives us eternal life, death is dreadful. Suddenly, I felt sick, I gasped for breath, there was darkness before my eyes, my limbs grew numb - and there was a terrible suffocation. Even a moment of such suffocation is extremely long.... There also comes a strange fear, in spite of trust. I wanted to receive the last Sacraments, but it was extremely difficult to make a confession even though I decided to do so. A person does not know what he is saying; not finishing one thing, he begins another.

Oh, may God keep every soul from delaying confession until the last hour! I understood the great power of the priest's words when they poured out upon the sick person's soul. When I asked my spiritual father whether I was ready to stand before the Lord and whether I could be at peace, I received the reply, "You can be completely at peace, not only right now but after each weekly confession". Great is the divine grace that accompanies these words of the priest. The soul feels power and courage for battle.

O my Congregation, my mother, how sweet it is to live in you, but it is even better to die in you!

After I received the last sacraments, there was a definite improvement. I remained alone. This lasted for half an hour and then came another attack; but this one was not so strong, as the doctor intervened.

I united my sufferings with the sufferings of Jesus and offered them for myself and for the conversion of souls who do not trust in the goodness of God. Suddenly, my cell was filled with black figures full of anger and hatred for me. One of them said, "Be damned, you and He who is within you, for you are beginning to torment us even in hell." As soon as I said, "And the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us," the figures vanished in a sudden whir.

The next day, I felt very weak, but experienced no further suffering. After Holy Communion, I saw the Lord Jesus just as I had seen Him during one adoration. The Lord's gaze pierced my soul through and through, and not even the least speck of dust escaped His notice. And I said to Jesus, "Jesus, I thought You were going to take me." And Jesus answered, "My will has not yet been fully accomplished in you; you will still remain on earth, but not for long. I am well pleased with your trust, but your love should be ardent. Pure love gives the soul strength at the very moment of dying. When I was dying on the Cross, I was not thinking about Myself, but about poor sinners, and I prayed for them to My Father. I want your last moments to be completely similar to Mine on the cross. There is but one price at which souls are bought, and that is suffering united to My suffering on the cross. Pure love understands these words; carnal love will never understand them."

1934. On the day of the Assumption of the Mother of God, I did not assist at Holy Mass. The woman doctor did not allow me; but I prayed fervently in my cell. After a short time, I saw the Mother of God, unspeakably beautiful. She said to me, "My daughter, what I demand from you is prayer, prayer and once again prayer, for the world and especially for your country. For nine days receive Holy Communion in atonement and unite yourself closely to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. During these nine days you will stand before God as an offering; always and everywhere, at all times and places, day or night, whenever you wake up, pray in the spirit. In spirit one can always remain in prayer."

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